Thursday, October 2, 2008

Thou Shalt Exorcise Old Friends

HOROSCOPE: An old friend who did you wrong is back in town. Why not take this opportunity to settle the score? Revenge is petty, but a good confrontation is what separates the boys from the Queens.

I rarely get so nervous that I shake.

But I was shaking.

I like to put out this idea of myself--an appearance, but...

Well, remember on Buffy when Willow went crazy and became a baddie?

No?

You don't watch Buffy--or didn't?

Okay, so I need a better analogy.

Well, why don't I just put it this way--

There is no enemy scarier than an old friend.

ME: Friend, you're my Julia Child.
FRIEND: Oh, honey...Fuck off.

For those of you who haven't met Friend, please check out my earlier blog--www.100dates100boys.blogspot.com.

He's pretty prevalent throughout all of it.

But after it was done, so was our friendship.

And not in any grand, big finale fashion.

He just...stopped.

No more phone calls.
No more text messages.
No answers to anything I asked.

It all just...stopped.

Part of it was that my Friend was a big fan of Charlie, who you'll also meet if you choose to peruse the blog, and when Charlie and I ended, I think my Friend felt that he was in the right, and that--well, that I was a little too hard to support during the break-up.

Truth be told, I really don't blame him. I'm not always the easiest guy to stick up for.

So, I consulted with some of my 100 Dates friends to see what they thought I should do.

BRIAN: Sock him in the f**king face when you see him.
ME: Brian--
SCOOTER: I concur.
ME: Did you just use the word 'concur'?
TURNER: I'm sorry, but you're friends with someone you don't expect them to always do the right thing or be a saint. We were all friends with you back then and yes, you were a little rough around the edges--
ME: Is this supposed to be helpful?
TURNER: --And you still are--We all are!--But we don't judge and bail on each other.
BRIAN: Kevin, your Dad was in the hospital, you were going through a break-up, and all you could get out of your Friend was--

Stop.

Just stop.

That was all I ever got.

BRIAN: I'm telling you, punch him in the f**king teeth.

And yet, I really can't.

But I do have some things to say--if I could just stop shaking.

I don't see him when he comes in the cafe. As it is, I had to trick him to meet me here, but it felt necessary at the time. Now it just feels cheesy.

He sits down with that look on his face. It's a look that you give a project when it's over and yet, still giving you trouble.

Like my science project in fifth grade that never quite seemed completed.

That was the look.

I couldn't imagine what he would say, but then--

FRIEND: What?

There it was.

ME: Hi.
FRIEND: Where's Charlie?
ME: He's not coming.
FRIEND: He said--
ME: What I asked him to say. Strangely enough, he's gotten past hating me, but you haven't.
FRIEND: Have a good day.

He started to leave.

ME: I'm not sure why I'm surprised every time you run away.

This stopped him. He turned around, came back to the table, and sat down.

FRIEND: If you want to do this, we can do this, but it's not going to be pretty.
ME: I don't need pretty, I need the truth.
FRIEND: The truth is you started to annoy me, I didn't like the way you were treating Charlie, and basically, I stopped liking you. So I cut you off, as is my prerogative. I don't care what you or anybody else thinks about it, or me, and I've moved on to much bigger and better things in my life.
ME: Oh right. You're one of those people who really want to act, but don't have the confidence for it, so they become a jaded behind-the-scenes boy.
FRIEND: No respect for the little people?
ME: A good tech person is beyond value, but that's not what you are. You're just a scared little actor too afraid to step in front of the curtain.

This was all petty of me, but I didn't care. Somehow I went from nervous to furious. It was probably because furious is easier to deal with in the long run.

ME: You didn't like the way I treated Charlie? What about the way you treat guys?
FRIEND: What way is that?
ME: The same way you treated me. You insert yourself into their lives and just when you become indispensable you disappear with no consideration for them at all.
FRIEND: And your mistake was thinking you were going to be any different.
ME: So you don't see a friend as being different from a fling?
FRIEND: People are people. When they start wearing thin, they need to go.
ME: I wonder if you'll still have that attitude thirty years from now when you're surrounded by cats and antique chairs, watching PBS and riddled with syphilis.
FRIEND: Are you calling me a slut? Because that would be--
ME: Pot, kettle, black? Oh, don't I know it. The only difference is, I never dressed up my hookups to look like relationships. I called them like they were.
FRIEND: So you're a public slut, I'm a private one. Maybe I just don't like strutting my business throughout the town on any blog I can get my hands on.

I believe this is where my only thought, bitch it's on.

ME: By the time our friendship ended, I couldn't even go out with you because we'd run into too many boys looking to kill you. Most of them ugly and stupid, might I add.
FRIEND: Maybe if you hadn't gone out so much, Charlie wouldn't have sent you packing.
ME: Maybe if Charlie, like some of my friends, could handle hearing the truth, he would have wanted me to stick around. You two got along so well because you both like doing the wrong thing and then having your--big quotations here--friends tell you you're doing the right thing.
FRIEND: As opposed to you, who always knows you're doing the wrong thing and does it anyway?
ME: I never said I was perfect.
FRIEND: I wouldn't even say you were of value.
ME: You're right. I couldn't get TGIFriday's waiters to give me their phone numbers. Why bother to go on?
FRIEND: And you always broke your own rules. You have this huge list of rules that everybody has to follow or they get the cold shoulder from you, and then you break every one of those rules and expect that--
ME: Are you calling me a hypocrite? Guilty. Obnoxious? Yes. Sanctimonious? Probably. But I'm sorry, did you not know all this when we first became friends--
FRIEND: I--
ME: How about during the year we talked every single day? Did you just not notice that I was a big pile of crazy?
FRIEND: So you've made peace with yourself?
ME: I've made peace knowing that if your Dad was in the hospital and all you needed was to hear my voice, I would have called you. I can make peace with myself knowing that I'm not that heartless. That I can't put down those walls even if I want to. That at the end of the day, given the choice between helping you and hurting you, I'd still choose to help if you were in trouble. I can make peace knowing that within myself there's a person who can do that despite all the bullshit that might be piled on top of the good stuff. And every time I'd have trouble sleeping at night repeating everything I said to you right before you cut me off, that would be my lullaby. That I wouldn't do to you what you did to me. That I might be awful, but I wasn't that awful. That's how I made peace with it. So question, Friend, how do you make peace with yourself?
FRIEND: I don't know. Maybe I just like being an asshole. Do you have a monologue all prepared in case I answered with apathy? In case I just don't care?

Actually, I sort of did.

ME: Don't believe what everyone tells you. Who you associate with can determine your perceived worth, and whether or not you care, you should keep that in mind. You're incredibly talented at what you do. I love the pride you take in your work. You made me laugh harder than just about anybody I've ever met in my life. Thank you for a wonderful year of friendship. I'm sorry for everything I did wrong, and I forgive you for doing the one thing to me you knew I might not survive. I survived, but I still miss you terribly sometimes. Good-bye.

I stood up.

FRIEND: What the hell was that?
ME: That was everything I wanted to say to you that I refused to leave in a voicemail.
FRIEND: How poignant.
ME: By the way, I still love you more than my luggage. And that person inside will still force me to answer the phone if you ever decide to call. I just think you should know that.
FRIEND: So now you want a hug?
ME: No, now I have to be the one to leave.

And I did.

I walked away.

The shaking started again, but this time it felt like it was shaking something out. Shaking out all the rage and pain and tears and frustration.

And when I stopped shaking again, I knew I wouldn't start again any time soon.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Thou Shalt Converse with the Other Generation

HOROSCOPE: Remember to keep in touch with your grandparents. After all, time is precious.

After reading this, I decided to give each of my grandparents a phone call. This is a little tricky since both sets of my grandparents are divorced and remarried.

PHONE CALL #1: Dad's Stepmother

ME: Hi Grandma Elaine.
ELAINE: Kevin!
ME: How are you?
ELAINE: Oh, I miss your grandfather like a madwoman.
ME: Really? Even after ten years?
ELAINE: Every day I mourn for him.
ME: Well, I'm glad I called you then.
ELAINE: I'd love to talk, honey, but I'm heading out.
ME: Where to?
ELAINE: Oh, just out with a friend.
ME: To bingo or something?
ELAINE: No, a gentleman friend.
ME: A date? You're going on a date?
ELAINE: Just an outing.
ME: Where are you going?
ELAINE: Dinner and a movie, then maybe stop by the beach.
ME: That's a date!
ELAINE: I'm a grown woman. I can go where I want.
ME: Of course you can. I just thought you were mourning grandpa.
ELAINE: We all grieve in our own way. Don't judge me.
ME: Grandma, God rest his soul, but Grandpa was a miserable old man. Live it up.
ELAINE: That's my boy.

Sound of motorcycle.

ELAINE: Gotta run.

PHONE CALL #2: Mom's Dad and Stepmother

ME: Hi Grandma Sarah, how's Florida?
SARAH: Bruce! Kevin's on the phone!
BRUCE: Who?
SARAH: YOUR GRANDSON! HE'S ON THE PHONE!
ME: Did I call at a bad time?
BRUCE: WHO?
SARAH: Of course not! How are you, honey? You sound thin.
ME: Same weight as always.
SARAH: Thin, right. BRUCE!

The other line picks up.

BRUCE: Hello?
ME: Hi Grandpa.
SARAH: Are you doing any more shows?
BRUCE: Is this Kevin?
ME: Yup.
BRUCE: You son-of-a-bitch!
SARAH: Bruce!
BRUCE: When are you coming down here?
ME: You know I hate flying.
BRUCE: You little chickenshit! Hahaha...

My grandfather treats me like I'm one of his old buddies from the pub.

SARAH: You have to send me pictures from your last show!
ME: I'm working on it.
SARAH: I tell all my friends you do theater.
ME: What do they say?
SARAH: Well, usually they tell me about their grandsons who are doctors or lawyers.
ME: Oh...sorry.
SARAH: Oh, don't worry about it. I tell them you like boys and that shuts them up.
BRUCE: Old bitches.
SARAH: Everybody wants a gay grandson now. You should hear them down here. My grandson is marrying this shiksa, which I think is Latvian for whore.
ME: It's Yiddish.
BRUCE: Who?
ME: Never mind.
SARAH: So I say, Well I don't have to worry about that, because my grandson Kevin likes boys. The jealously that fills their eyes--
BRUCE: Priceless.
SARAH: Priceless.
BRUCE: Shuts those old bitches right up.

Now you know where I get my swearing from--

SARAH: You know whose a handsome man? What's-his-name from the gay cowboy movie. Not the dead one.
ME: Jake Gyllenhaal?
SARAH: Him!

Why does everyone in my family want to set me up with Jake Gyllenhaal?

ME: He likes girls, or so they say. He's with Reese Witherspoon.
SARAH: That shiksa?
BRUCE: She's stiffer than a corpse.
ME: You know shiksa--never mind.
BRUCE: You little asshole! We got to get you down here.
ME: Not a chance, geezer.
BRUCE: Hahaha! I love you, you little prick.

Sentiment like that they don't make at Hallmark.

PHONE CALL #3: Dad's Mom

NANCY: How's school, darlin?
ME: I'm out of school, Grandma.
NANCY: Is this Steve?
ME: No, this is Kevin.
NANCY: The one who married Igor?
ME: No, that's Steve, and I thought we all agreed we were going to stop calling Maria that?
NANCY: Are you the one with the weird eye?
ME: No, that's Mark.
NANCY: The bad teeth?
ME: That's my Dad.
NANCY: The one on the third marriage?
ME: That could be a few people.
NANCY: The one who got arrested for kiddie porn?
ME: I'm not even sure who that would be, but you just convinced me not to attend the Family Reunion.
NANCY: Well if you're not any of those wackos, then that's good.
ME: Have you quit smoking yet?
NANCY: Just like Bad Teeth. Always on me about the smoking.
ME: Dad's been telling you to quit smoking?
NANCY: Yeah.
ME: What did you say?
NANCY: I told him to quit marrying twelve-year olds.
ME: Well, there's really no arguing with that now is there?

Grandma Nancy isn't what I'd call...maternal.

PHONE CALL #4: Mom's Mom

I know I shouldn't play favorites but--

BIANCA: You were so good in your play!

--Grandma Bianca kind of kicks everyone else's ass.

BIANCA: But you should have had that other boy's part.
ME: Grandma, that 'boy' is forty-five.
BIANCA: He was so boring. It was like listening to paint dry.
ME: I'm not sure that makes a sound.
BIANCA: They could have put gray make-up on you, and you would have been fine.
ME: Eh, I liked my role.
BIANCA: You know who you should play? One of those cats.
ME: I'd rather kill myself.
BIANCA: What's wrong with being a cat?
ME: It's not really...Well, for one thing, I can't dance.
BIANCA: Since when can't you dance?
ME: Have you ever seen me dance?
BIANCA: You danced that one time at the wedding where you had that seizure.
ME: The dancing was the seizure.
BIANCA: Oh my...Well, I'm glad you don't seize.
ME: Thank you.
BIANCA: You know, you're my favorite, but don't tell your brothers.

She tells us all that.

All four phone calls took a total of three hours.

(My Thanksgivings usually last a total of three weeks.)

Next week I'm starting on the aunts and uncles...

Heaven help me.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Thout Shalt Bond with Family, James Bond

HOROSCOPE: Let a common bond unite you when it comes to family matters.

A well-known fact to everyone who knows me.

My family owns the Bond franchise.

Let me clarify.

My grandfather's cousin was Albert "Cubby" Broccoli, and his children own pretty much anything Ian Fleming ever wrote.

When I was kid this impressed me, because Ian Fleming also wrote Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

As I got older, I liked...bigger men.

ME: You know who was a hot Bond? Timothy Dalton.
ADAM: Oh my God, shut up. You are the only person on the face of the earth that liked Timothy Dalton.
ME: Hey! He was in The Rocketeer! Show a little respect.

My father's side of the family has always resented the fact that a mere limb away on the family tree sits a pile of money and prestige that we will never get to.

DAD: Unless they were all to die in some horrible accident.
ME: Dad!
DAD: I'm just saying!
ME: That's my line. Don't use that.

Over dinner at my Dad's house, we often discuss what we would do if that avalanche ever takes out all of the wealthy citizens of Long Island where the Rich Broccolis reside.

DAD: You know who'd make a good Bond girl? Heather Locklear.
ME: Dad, she's too old.
DAD: She's my age.
ME: You're old.
DAD: Hey!
STACEY: I think Jake Gyllenhaal would be a good James Bond.
ME: Yeah, if he ever manages to look something other than befuddled.
HARRY: Okay, I guess we all forgot you're the creative genius. Who would you cast?
ME: Me, duh!

Riotous laughter.

ME: Um, what's so funny? At least I'm a brunette, unlike that poser Daniel Craig.
DEANNA: If there was a gay James Bond, it should be--
STACEY: Jake Gyllenhaal.
DEANNA: Rupert Everett.
DAD: Liberace.

Silence.

DAD: What? Is he old, too?
ME: No, he's dead.

I could be such a kickass James Bond.

And my Bond boy?

HARRY: Are you kidding?
ME: Justin Chatwin would be such a choice Bond boy.
DEANNA: Whose he?
ME: Go watch The Invisible.
STACEY: I saw that. It wasn't every good.
ME: You have to watch it with the sound off to really enjoy his performance.
DAD: Okay, enough talk of desecrating the family cash cow.
ME: Were you not the one who wanted to cast the playmates from The Girls Next Door as the first ever Bond Blonde triplets?
DAD: That was a choice based on autistic merit.
HARRY: Dad, you mean artistic--
ME: No, he had it right the first time.

I guess you could say we all have...creative differences.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Thou Shalt Bang the Drum Slowly

Okay, so I've returned from a mini-hiatus.

www.thiscantbetheater.blogspot.com is still going.

But in the meantime, I still need to work on some things.

For one, I've always thought I should be able to play a musical instrument.

ADAM: Do you know how?
ME: No.
ADAM: Do you have the patience to learn?
ME: Sure. I can take a week or so.
ADAM: Why the sudden interest?
ME: It would be nice to have an actual skill.
ADAM: You mean besides being able to recite all of 'Modern Major General.'
ME: That's not a...yeah, I need to get on this.

I went through the list of potential musical instruments I could learn in a day or two.

The tambourine--a little too flaming.
The triangle--rock bands don't usually required them.
The xylophone--getting closer...

Drums.

I need to play the drums.

CARLY: Oooh drummers are hot.
ME: I know. I think I might have a shot at being legendary, like Pam's ex.
CARLY: Tommy Lee?
ME: Yeah, him.
CARLY: You'd be better off replicating some of his other...talents.
ME: Obvi, but for now let's talk about rhythm.
CARLY: Forget it. Use a condom.
ME: What?
CARLY: Oh, I thought you meant the method.
ME: Ah.
CARLY: Do you have any rhythm.
ME: Good question.

I decided to give my brother's set a try. I sat down and tried to play Wipeout.

I wiped out.

RORY: To be a drummer you have to lose all inhibition.
ME: Like Animal from the Muppets?
RORY: Who are the Muppets?
ME: Never mind, I'm old.
RORY: Just let yourself go.

I have major problems with that.

Anything that involves me letting loose makes me nervous.

Swing sets.
Twirling in a circle.
Letting people kiss the left side of my body.

It just makes me nervous.

BETH: I'm the same way with my right elbow. You kiss it; I scream and punch you.
ME: Why would anyone kiss your right elbow?
BETH: I dated a guy who was into elbows.
ME: Let's get off that topic as quick as possible.
BETH: Are you going to try the drums again?
ME: Yeah, tonight.
BETH: Just do it Animal.
ME: LADY! LADY!
BETH: Okay, that's just scary.

I sat down at the drum set, and tried to let go. After a few minutes, I was jamming away, but it didn't sound good at all.

My stepfather Roger heard me and came downstairs.

ROGER: I thought it was Rory, but I didn't hear any obscenities.
ME: It didn't sound good, did it?
ROGER: It sounded fun.
ME: Is that good or bad?
ROGER: Kevin, your problem starts with you even asking that question.
ME: Huh?
ROGER: Who cares if it's bad? Music is supposed to be fun. For you.
ME: Thanks Mr. Holland.
ROGER: Any time.

He went upstairs and I started to drum again.

Somewhere along the way, the music stopped being anything but a riot.

And I mean that in the best sense of the word.

I'm even thinking of starting my own band--

The Kevin Broccoli Tambourine Music Project But With No Tambourine Cause We're Better Than That

It could be kind of a big deal.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Thou Shalt Put on a Show

HOROSCOPE: Today's the day to take on that endeavor that you've been too afraid to try.

Eating a tomato it is.

Just kidding.

ADAM: You're going to put on a show?
ME: You know, I bounce around from theater to theater, and hope and pray that I'm going to strike gold every time. Why don't I just make my own gold?
ADAM: Because only the Earth can do that. It's geography.
ME: You mean geology?
ADAM: Whatever. Point being, you can't just decide you're going to put on a show and then do it. You're not Mickey Rooney, and I am not Judy Garland.
ME: You're not?
ADAM: Okay, maybe in the shower, but otherwise--

It's not like I'm completely naive to what it takes to get a production together.

Good people.
Lots of outside support.
A script people can get behind.

BETH: Money, money, money, money--
ME: Yes, I'm aware that--
BETH: Money, money, money, money--
ME: OKAY! OKAY!
BETH: And you have none.
ME: I got along just fine in college when I was doing shows without that much money.
BETH: That was because space rental was free. That's what's going to kill you. The cost of space.
ME: There has to be some way around that. How did they do it in Shakespeare's time?
BETH: They declared war on the theater owners.
ME: That's not completely out of the question yet.

I kept reading through scripts to find that magical work. It has to be something so momentous I can't help but push for it.

So far the stage version of Growing Pains and Fraggle Rock: A Media Extravaganza! are out of the running.

CARLY: Theater snob.
ME: I just want to wow people.
CARLY: Then quilt. Theater doesn't wow anymore.
ME: It could--give the right--um--
CARLY: Given a miracle?
ME: Yeah, one of those would help.
CARLY: I'd offer to lend my support, but I don't like to fail at anything.
ME: Can you at least work box office?
CARLY: For a show that's never going to happen? Sure. Count me in.

An undertaking like this means I'm going to have put everything else aside.

SHANE: Huh?
ME: Not you, sweetie. But you may have to act in it.
SHANE: Sweet!

This blog, however, has to go.

In its place, I'm going to document everything about what it takes to put on this show.

That's right--it's a brand new blog.

www.thiscantbetheater.blogspot.com

Get ready to be wowed.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Thou Shalt Be On Time

HOROSCOPE: You're very often late--kick that habit before it kicks you.

Thanks, Poor Richard. You want me to invent a cast-iron stove while I'm at it?

Yes, I'm late.

I'm late a lot.

I have a big problem being punctual, but from now, no more!

ADAM: I'm proud of you.
ME: Thank you, Adam.
ADAM: You realize you were supposed to meet me fifteen minutes ago, right?
ME: DAMN!

As I raced to meet Adam, I wondered why I'm always behind the clock?

SHANE: It might be your ego. People who are always late tend to believe the world can wait for them.
ME: I never think that! If anything I'm mortified every time I'm late. I used to skip classes rather than be late in college.
SHANE: That's a little extreme.
ME: Well, it was usually Introduction to Computers, so it's not like I put up much of a fight.
SHANE: Babe, I don't care if you're late. It doesn't bother me.
ME: But it bothers me. You're right when you say it makes me look ego maniacal, not to mention insensitive. And I'm not insensitive at all!
SHANE: Shouldn't you be getting off the phone so you can get to Adam?
ME: Oh, he can wait.

I ended up only being about ten minutes late--Adam, as usual, was exaggerating. After the movie we went out to eat. Carly and Beth joined us.

CARLY: So do you just have no concept of time? I get like that sometimes when I'm making love. It seems like hours have gone by and it's been only a few minutes.
ADAM: You're hooking up with that guy Bad in Bed Bobby again, aren't you?
CARLY: It's called a dry spell, Adam. You try living through it.
ME: I have a concept of time. It's just...I'm scared of getting anywhere before people.
BETH: Why?
ME: Because--
BETH: Because they might not show up.
CARLY: You're not the one taking a chance.
ADAM: If you show up late, either they're there or they're not there, but the power was in your hands.
ME: Wow...a fear of rejection. Like when I would wait for my dad to pick me up and he wouldn't show.
CARLY: That's a bit of a stretch.
ME: It's okay. Anything I can blame my father for is fine with me.

So now I just have to get over my fear of rejection--not nearly as easy as making sure I'm on time. I came up with a new system for ensuring I'd be all right.

ME: So you're there now?
SHANE: Yes, I'm here. I'm right here.
ME: You're going to be there when I get there.
SHANE: Yup.
ME: You're not somewhere else and just saying you're there, right?
SHANE: No, and I'd also like to mention that only a crazy person would do that and I'm not crazy.
ME: No, but I am. I love you.
SHANE: I love you, too.

Sometimes a little support goes a long way to getting you where you need to be...on time.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Thou Shalt Be Mr. Popular

Horoscope: You're especially charismatic today, so go out and work it. Surround yourself with strangers, and treat them like friends.

Easier said than done, horoscope. I live in Rhode Island, what strangers am I supposed to meet? You can barely walk down the road in this state without running into a former boyfriend, your dentist, or both.

ADAM: Oh Dr. Schweitzer, we shared so much more than dental hygiene tips.

I decided that the only way to make new friends and be the life of the party was to find a party I could be the life of--

ADAM: Huh?

--or something like that.

ADAM: Try going to a straight bar.
ME: You want me to be a one-man guerrilla take-over? What am I supposed to win them over with? Witty anecdotes about my dating life?
ADAM: Yeah, pass out printed entries from your 100 Hookups blog and let the fun begin.
ME: Or I could just strive to be friendly and see who I meet?
ADAM: Chances are you're going to meet a lot of freaks. I say go for it!
ME: Laugh it up, broseph, but guess whose coming with me?
ADAM: Beth? Carly? Shane, whose required to because he's your love prisoner?
ME: Try again.

Adam and I went out and I made a solid effort to meet and talk to new people.

It didn't go over as I planned.

ME: Hi, I'm Kevin. I don't think we've met.
NEWBIE #1: Actually, we have. You attacked my boyfriend once.
ME: I did.
NEWBIE #1: You two went out on a date and when you got him back to your place you lunged at him.
ADAM: He had rabies for awhile there. You'll have to forgive him.
ME: I never lunged at anybody! I'm not a gazelle!
NEWBIE #1: Whatever. He and I have moved past it and we're now very happy together.
ADAM: Is that him making out with that shotboy?
NEWBIE #1: Jesus Christ, not again!

Second time around...

ME: Hi, I'm Kevin. I don't think we've met.
NEWBIE #2: Actually we went to school together.
ME: We did?
NEWBIE #2: Yeah, I was in your gym class in high school.
ME: Shut up! I don't remember you.
NEWBIE #2: That's because you called me Frosted Flakes.
ME: Frosted Flakes! With the flaky dandruff hair--ohhh, I'm so sorry. I was such a bitch in high school.
ADAM: Oh, so much has changed since then. Turn away, Ali Sheedy, I feel like its snowing.

Third time's a charm.

ME: Hi, I'm Kevin. I don't think we've met.
NEWBIE #3: You're right. We haven't.
ME: Jackpot!
NEWBIE #3: Wanna do some blow in my car?
ME: Como estas?
ADAM: Donde mi integrito?

I give up.

On the way back from the car, I felt despondent. Not only was I not Mr. Popular, but it seemed like way more people dislike me than I originally though.

ADAM: Look at it this way, most people barely have enough time for their friends. Why bother getting all new ones you're going to have even less time for?

Leave it to Adam to come up with an insensitive, and yet, practical solution.

ME: Want to get IHOP with me?
ADAM: Nah, I've had enough of you for the night.

And he keeps me very, very grounded.

I suppose I'll have to be charming and magnetic some other day.

Until then, I'm flying solo.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Thou Shalt Not Spend Money

HOROSCOPE: Watch your finances today. Avoid spending if you can help it.

Can't I just say 'The Boy Can't Help It' and leave it at that?

ADAM: There is no way you can do a day without spending money frivolously.
ME: Sure I can! I didn't buy anything unnecessary yesterday.
ADAM: Didn't you buy a journal for eight dollars?
ME: It was green and pretty...
ADAM: You already have a journal.
ME: It's blue and filled with the ramblings of a whiny gay.
ADAM: Here's an entry for your new pretty journal--Today I went against my horoscope and--
ME: No chance. Today my wallet is going into lockdown mode.
ADAM: Sounds like my love life.

Everything started off well. I avoided getting my usual morning treat of two chocolate frosted donuts and an iced tea. Instead, I drank water at work.

Then, I ran into a snag.

RORY: Kevin, can you pick me up something at the bookstore?
ME: No.
RORY: Why not?
ME: If I go to the bookstore I'll spend money.
RORY: On what?
ME: Brazilian whores.
RORY: They those at Barnes and Noble?
ME: On books, Rose! I'll spend money on books. Do I have to get the cheesecake now?
RORY: But you work at a library.
ME: It doesn't matter. I buy books compulsively and I can't take the chance of going to the bookstore and seeing something I want.
RORY: So now I'm not going to do my summer reading and fail school!
ME: You don't want a summer reading book. You want the soundtrack to Camp Rock.
RORY: I--That's--Shut up!

Disaster averted.

BETH: How do you define frivolous?
ME: Unnecessary.
BETH: Would that include cigarettes?
ME: Considering I don't smoke, yes.
BETH: But I mean, for me--
ME: I'm pretty sure for you they're right up there with food and oxygen.
BETH: How about alcohol?
ME: That would still be frivolous.
BETH: Blockbuster movie rentals?
ME: Do they have any educational value?
BETH: They're all documentaries about the atrocities of war.
ME: Beth, you're perfectly capable of depressing yourself for free, you don't need movies to help you out.
BETH: Good point.

Nighttime was going to be the real test. Shane and I went out, and I avoided parking anywhere that would charge me, which wasn't so hard.

(Providence is fine when it comes to free parking. If I lived in Boston, I would have already given up on this venture and busted out my ATM card.)

Cover was cheap--about four dollars. I reasoned that it was necessary because otherwise I'd be sitting at home on a Wednesday night, which is so uncool.

Wednesday is the new Saturday, after all.

The real test came after the club. My hankering for my post-club meal started up--

I wanted pancakes.

SHANE: Pancakes are food. You can't say food is unnecessary.
ME: It is when I'm not really hungry.
SHANE: But you want pancakes.
ME: I want a lot of things. I want a new car. I want a vacation to Vegas. I want 30 Rock Season Two on DVD--
SHANE: Kevin, you work hard. You shouldn't feel guilty about spending your money.
ME: But if I spend recklessly--
SHANE: You're in your early twenties. If you're not going to be reckless now, when are you?
ME: I'm actually considered mid-twenties, but I see your point.
SHANE: So?
ME: Rooty Tootie Fresh and Fruity it is.

And I wasn't referring to the guys who had been dancing on the box all evening.

Ba dum bum.

As Shane and I ate our 2am breakfast, all I could think was--

What good is having money if you can't spend it...on fruit-covered flapjacks?

Sorry Horoscope, when you can't answer back, you can't argue.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Thou Shalt Be a Family Man

HOROSCOPE: Spend more time with your family--whether you like it or not.

It's not that I don't enjoy spending time with my family.

DAD: The gays across the street are having one of their ecstasy parties again.

It's just that I would prefer to do many, many other things.

ADAM: I love hanging out with my family.
ME: That's because they give you money and get you drunk. Mine give me guilt and get me agitated.
ADAM: And there's the difference between the Italian and the Irish.
ME: My Dad's side is Italian. We're just odd around each other because of the...thing.
ADAM: You being a homo?
ME: Yeah, that thing.

Luckily, my horoscope was forcing me to enjoy time with my father at a time when I would have had to anyway.

We were celebrating my niece's birthday party. Little Bella is already one-years-old, which is shocking to me. Even more shocking is that my brother hasn't forgotten her anywhere yet.

HARRY: Today she said crap. Can you believe it?
ME: That classy Broccoli nature is already blossoming.

Deana, my brother's wife, has developed quite a backbone. Whereas she used to be quiet and sweet, she's now constantly steering my brother away from Bella in case he makes some silly little "new father" blunder--like putting her in the refrigerator.

HARRY: It was a joke, Deana!
DEANA: Like your face. Now give me the baby.

See what I mean?

My stepmother Stacey has responded to being a grandmother with gusto. And by gusto, I mean shopping.

STACEY: Look at this new face cream I got.
ME: It has rubies in it?
STACEY: Big chunks of them.
ME: Has does rubbing rock against your face make it smoother exactly?
STACEY: It puts the smell of the rich into your pores.
ME: Yes, because who wouldn't want to smell like Rupert Murdoch? The man looks like the Crypt Keeper.

We were all celebrating Bella's birthday in our usual Broccoli style--by fighting.

DAD: Those damn gays.
ME: Dad, could you call them something else?
DAD: I'm sorry--what's the politically correct name?
ME: Homosexuals would be fine.
DAD: Those limp-wristed homosexuals and their raves are driving me nuts!
ME: Way to slip in an adjective.
DAD: Is that a new drug?

I looked out the window at the supposed rave, and found that it was actually an outdoor dinner party my father's neighbors were hosting on his patio.

ME: Yeah Dad, it looks like quite the Gomorrah over there.
DAD: Don't let them fool you. They're using the barbecue as a front to make porn and sell drugs.
STACEY: Big Kev, I went over there yesterday and I didn't see any cameras or drugs.
DAD: You went over there?
STACEY: Whatever they were making smelled so good I just had to ask for the recipe.
ME: You went to get fashion advice, didn't you?
STACEY: Well you're no help! You told me that blouse looked fine.
ME: It did!
STACEY: It made me look boxy! The gays confirmed it!

Annie came running into the room. She's about to go into fourth grade, and every time I think of that it makes me weep uncontrollably. There should be a button you can put on your younger siblings so that they'll never grow up to know what a schmuck you are.

ANNIE: Kevin, I'm opening a lemonade stand.
ME: Since when do you call me Kevin? I'm Butter!

(Like Brother)

HARRY: She's too old to keep calling you Butter.
ME: Who asked you?
DEANA: Time for dinner, Bella.
DAD: You're going to whip out that boob right at the table?
STACEY: It's perfectly natural, Kev.
DAD: It can be natural in another room. I'm trying to eat here.
ME: I don't like being called Kevin.
ANNIE: It's your name.
ME: Stop growing! Take up smoking or something.

She laughed and ran away. Meanwhile, Deana was feeding Bella.

DAD: So much for dinner.

Just then, we heard music wafting in through the windows. It sounded like Sinatra.

DAD: Are those gays playing Sinatra?
ME: See that, Dad? They're just like you.
HARRY: Gay guys like Sinatra?
ME: Are you kidding? Those eyes--
DAD: Nothing's sacred anymore. Nothing.

Watching my father's idol embraced by dinner party-throwing gay guys was pretty sweet. It reminded me that, as a member of the younger generation, the future is on my side.

And when it comes to family, isn't that all that really matters?

Friday, August 15, 2008

Thou Shalt Not Tolerate Lisa

Horoscope: Feeling like a pencil? Because it's time to erase somebody from your life.

Normally, I would chalk that kind of foretelling up to a catty day at the astrologist's office, but with the arrival of my friend Lisa in town, I knew serendipity was in play.

ADAM: You're cutting Lisa out of your life?
ME: It's cold and unfeeling, I know.
ADAM: It's amazing! I'm doing it, too!
ME: So I'm not a bad person?
ADAM: Kevin, Lisa is impossible. She's self-centered, obnoxious, and pretentious.
ME: Aren't we all of those things too?
ADAM: Yeah, but we're funny too, so it all evens out.

Before you all start judging, I should probably give you some background on my friend Lisa.

I met her in high school, and we ended up going to the same college together. We've worked on shows together, we took most of the same classes together, and we've always lived within reasonable proximity of each other until she moved to Seattle upon graduating.

It was then that I realized something.

I don't like Lisa.

LISA: Oh my God! So that guy who I told you about? The one who was in love with me?
ME: Tim?
LISA: No. It turns out Tim is gay. I'm talking about AJ.
ME: Okay.
LISA: I thought AJ was in love with me.
ME: But he's not?
LISA: Oh, he totally is, but he won't admit it. He's like, getting married or something. And he like, won't return my phone calls.
ME: That's...well...he might be busy with the wedding.
LISA: Whatever. That's no reason to be rude.

Because Lisa and I have always--some might say forcibly--been a part of each other's lives, it just seemed logical that we should be friends. But once life wasn't demanding that we spend so much time together, it became clear that when the geographic closeness evaporated, so did every other kind of closeness.

It's not just that she's self-centered--

LISA: You have cancer? That's awful. It reminds me of when I had strep...

--Obnoxious--

LISA: You should hear me do that song. You know what? I'll just sing it for you a capella right now. That way you'll hear what I mean.

--Pretentious--

LISA: I mean, I just don't see how you can be a woman and not understand that the preeminent theatrical event of our time was A Streetcar Named Desire.

Like I said, everyone else I know exhibits those qualities too.

It's the fact that she's not aware she's any of those things. I know I do something tool-ish at least once an hour, and most of my friends revel in their cockiness. Lisa, on the other hand, likes to put on false humility when really you can see it in her eyes that she thinks she's better than everyone else. It's hard to be in a room with her where someone's telling a story without sensing how uncomfortable she is that nobody's paying attention to her.

And she's gone to some extreme lengths to get that attention.

LISA: Look, I don't want anyone's pity, but I just need you all to know that my Mom's cousin had two seizures yesterday and I'm just really upset about it.
ME: Lisa, have you ever met your Mom's cousin?
LISA: Like, once, I think. But I mean, a tragedy is a tragedy, even from afar. I think O'Neill said that.

See what I mean?

CARLY: I think O'Neill also said, "That bitch is crazy."
ME: She just sucks the energy out of you. It's like she's an energy vampire.
CARLY: Do I even have to say it?
ME: I know, Die Vampire Die. But this is Lisa! I've known her for years!
CARLY: Because you've had to know her for years. Now you don't have to.
ME: It's not like she can help being the way she is.
CARLY: Exactly. If there was any hope of her changing, I'd say stick it out and maybe she'll stop being a soul-crushing idiot, but since she's been this way forever, there's no point in waiting it out.
ME: I still feel bad.
CARLY: God, you sound like an abused husband still defending his wife.
ME: Lisa has hit me accidentally before--she was swatting at a fly and slapped me across the face.
CARLY: Yup, keep telling yourself that, Norma Lou.

I knew cutting ties with Lisa was going to be awful. She's prone to theatrics. And since I couldn't tell her the real reasons I wouldn't be talking to her anymore, but I didn't want to lie, I'd have to find some brilliant way to get my point across.

BETH: Fake amnesia.
ME: Remember me saying I can't lie?
BETH: Then you're screwed.
ME: Can you come with me?
BETH: No chance in hell.
ME: You're supposed to be her friend too!
BETH: As a show of solidarity with you, I'm cutting Lisa out of my life as well. Carly and Adam are doing the same.
ME: You can't do that! We can't all stop being friends with her! She'll be devastated!
BETH: If you can do it, why can't we?
ME: Because I thought of it first and I have a witty blog that needs material?
BETH: Nice try, Dear Abby.

I wish people would stop calling me lady names.

Dinner with Lisa was in a few hours, and I still couldn't figure out how I was going to get rid of her with all the grace and poise I'm noted for...

I needed to go to somebody who could supply me with sage wisdom. Unfortunately, Yoda was out of town, so I asked my brother, Danny.

DANNY: Does it really bother you that much to have her in your life, or is it simply an annoyance?
ME: She makes me want to rip off my own skin and kick myself in the head.
DANNY: So that would be...?
ME: An annoyance.
DANNY: So put up with it. Life isn't supposed to be one cakewalk after another.
ME: I'm sorry, but you're seventeen and you just used the word 'cakewalk'--
DANNY: Whether or not she shows it, I'm sure you being in her life means a lot to her, probably more than having her in your life irritates you.

Leave it to my brother to make me feel guilty.

ME: You missed out on a great career as an Italian mother, Danny.
DANNY: Shut up and eat.

See what I mean?

I had dinner with Lisa. It was excruciating, as usual, but maybe that's me being dramatic. At the end of the meal we hugged, and promised to hang out again the next time she's in town.

It's fair to say I shouldn't have to put up with anybody I don't want to, but then again, that's life, isn't it?

Maybe Danny's right. Maybe, despite the difficulty I have in finding it, I bring Lisa some small bit of joy. And a small bit of joy can be worth a lot of aggravation.

So I guess that means I'm going against my horoscope for the day. Nobody gets erased.

ADAM: You're a wimp.

...Then again...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Thou Shalt Live Alone and Like It

HOROSCOPE: Be at peace tonight. Don't go out. Meditate.

Of course, this would be my horoscope on a Saturday.

If I was advised not to go out on a Tuesday, I'd be all about it. But I have to stay home on a Saturday night?

Is SNL even on anymore?

ADAM: What are you going to meditate on?
ME: My life.
ADAM: That should take about five minutes.
ME: I guess by always going out on weekends I'm just conforming to societal norms.
ADAM: So you're knocking societal norms? Does that mean you're going to give up bathing and watching the Olympics?
ME: Oh! I can watch the Olympics!
ADAM: Have fun. I think tonight is table tennis.
ME: Wah.

I would never say that I was Mr. Popular, but it would stand to reason that the one night I decide to stay in is the night I get the most offers to go out.

BETH: Come drink with me.
ME: Beth, you know I don't drink.
BETH: Come watch me drink and judge me.
ME: I can't--not because I wouldn't love to--but I have to stay in tonight and be at peace with myself.
BETH: Is that code for jerking off?

* * * * *

CARLY: But you have to be my wingman tonight!
ME: Carly, whenever I'm your wingman I end up at a straight bar by myself apologizing to the owner for something you did right before you left.
CARLY: I know! It's our Saturday night tradition!
ME: Ask Beth to be your wingman...woman...whatever. She's looking for someone to drink with tonight.
CARLY: Is she good at dealing with the cops?
ME: Not as good as me, but she'll do. Have her tell Officer Dan I said hi.
CARLY: Ohh Officer Dan. He's the best at frisking.

* * * * *

SHANE: So I'm on my own tonight?
ME: Sorry babe.
SHANE: It's okay. I can use the time to read.
ME: What are you reading?
SHANE: Poetry by some homo.
ME: Is that the official title?
SHANE: No, it's called something like "Lovers and Syphilis."
ME: I think that was an Oprah's book club selection.
SHANE: You going to be okay sitting at home alone with your thoughts?
ME: Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Two hours later...

ME: Niiiiite--oh. Me say niiite--oh. Saturday comes and I wanna go oooout.

It got worse. I resorted to the unthinkable.

Spending time with my family.

ME: Hey Mom, you want to watch a movie together?
MOM: I can't. Me and Grandma are going to Bingo.
ME: Wouldn't you rather spend time with your son than gamble?
MOM: Yes, I would...on a weeknight. But tonight is money night. Love you.

* * * * *

ME: Roger, do you want to have a philosophical discussion about something?
ROGER: Like what?
ME: Suicide.
ROGER: Is it weighing on your mind?
ME: It's a Saturday night and I'm actively seeking quality time with my stepfather. What else would be on my mind?
ROGER: Sorry Kev, I have poker night.
ME: It's all right. I'm sure I can have that discussion with myself while I drive to the nearest bridge.

* * * * *

ME: Hey Danny, whatcha doing?
DANNY: Reading the Bible.
ME: Okay, I'm not that desperate. Where's Rory?
DANNY: He's out.
ME: It's midnight.
DANNY: Yes it is.
ME: He's fourteen.
DANNY: Yes, he is.
ME: You don't think that's a little--
DANNY: I think we should have put him in a home years ago. Did you have a stricter curfew at fourteen?
ME: At fourteen, I was home watching SNICK.
DANNY: What's SNICK?

Oh Christ...

Danny took a break from Job, and ate some ice cream with me.

ME: I think I know why I have a problem not going out.
DANNY: Because this house smells like old cheerios.
ME: No, but now that you mention it--
DANNY: Are you afraid of being alone?
ME: No, I mean, I'm not alone now. It's just that...when I was a kid, I never did anything. I never went anywhere. I was such a homebody. Mom would try to get me to go out and I'd cry and pout and finally she just gave up. And even though it seemed like that was what I wanted, I was always so sad that I was by myself. I felt like there was this big party going on that I just wasn't invited to. And then once I broke out of that, I kept trying to find that party, and I keep thinking that if I go out--
DANNY: Maybe one day you'll run into it?
ME: But there is no party, is there?
DANNY: If there is, everybody there probably wants to be at another party. That's the downside of being social. It's not always very fulfilling.

So maybe that was why I needed to stay home. To learn that the only time you're satisfied being where you are is when you're satisfied with yourself.

Hey, look at me growing as a person!

ADAM: Oh my God, you missed such a good time tonight.

...And now that the lesson is learned, I can continue to go out all the time...

Yay!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Thou Shalt Not Cause a Scene

Horoscope: Don't cause a scene today, even though you may be tempted...

When have I ever caused a scene?

2002

ME: It's my goddammed graduation and if I want to throw my cap in the air I'm going to!
MOM: Honey, try to remember that you're graduating from a Catholic school, and saying goddam in a cathedral is frowned upon.

2004

ME: Fine! Break up with me! You couldn't get me a better birthday present!
CARLY: Should we all leave the room for this?
ME: No! I still want cake!

2006

ME: Who the fuck ate my English muffins?
GRANDMA: That would be me.
ME: Oh...carry on.

Okay, so maybe I've been known to be a little dramatic.

But lately I've been doing so well.

ADAM: That's because the drugs are working.
ME: They most certainly are not. I'm just mellowing with age.
ADAM: Is that why you disowned me last week when I saw The Mummy 3 without you?
ME: You know we always see bad movies together! It's our thing!
ADAM: Weren't you not supposed to freak out today?
ME: I...uh...I'm hanging up now.

Most normal people would avoid going out when they've been warned that they might be prone to theatrics, but hey, I'm a theater guy, theatrics are unavoidable.

Hence, I didn't even hesitate to go out with the boy in my life for a night on the town.

SHANE: So it's my job to make sure you don't punch someone tonight?
ME: Oh, like you don't have a temper?

Shane is pretty much everything you could want in a guy--passionate, funny, intelligent, tattooed, pierced, and willing to do karaoke.

Plus, he puts up with me.

Saying he makes me happy is like saying Ben and Jerry make ice cream.

SHANE: I only have a temper when creepy pervs are looking you over at the bar.
ME: Well tonight feel free to get into a fight with them about it. I can't be the one causing the fight if I'm the one breaking it up.
SHANE: So I get to be violent tonight?
ME: Happy belated birthday, babe.
SHANE: Yay!

We went out to our usual stomping ground and everything was going fine. Shane sang Natalie Merchant doing Pat Benatar and I did "Private Dancer" because nobody channels Tina like I do, and the world demands that I do it--who am I to say no?

Smooth sailing, right up until Shane went outside to smoke....

VOICE: Nice job on the song.

Catty laughter.

I knew then I was going to fail today's mission.

Turning around, I saw a bunch of college bitches cackling.

ME: Thanks.
CATTY BITCH #1: I was being sarcastic.
ME: Sarcasm? Is that like when I say 'You and your boyfriend look so happy together' when really he's on craig's list under 'Raw and ready'?
CATTY BITCH #2: So are you on there under 'Tacky and tactless'?

Touche.

ME: I would think someone trying to sport a faux hawk after 2004 would be hesitant to use the word tacky...
CATTY BITCH #3: Are you upset because nobody pays attention to you?
ME: No, I'm upset because your shirt is giving me a headache and your attitude weighs almost about as much as your beer belly. I'd lay off the coors--being a shrew doesn't speed up your metabolism, you know.

With that, I walked away and right into Shane.

SHANE: I leave you for five minutes--
ME: That's why you need to quit smoking. I need a more committed baby-sitter.
SHANE: Hey, you're the one making resolutions.

Yeah, keep reminding me.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Thou Shalt Support a Friend

HOROSCOPE: Support a friend in need. Be a cheerleader.

As many of you know, I hung out with the drama kids in high school, not so much the cheer leading squad--are they even called squads anymore?

I always think squad sounds like the plural form of squid.

We were attacked by a squad in the Atlantic! The horror!

Proving that horoscopes are in fact omniscient, my friend Adam ended his relationship yesterday and really needed some supporting. Before I could do that though, I needed to confer with an actual cheerleader.

CARLY: The important thing is to give good head.

So of course, I called Carly.

CARLY: They love when you do it while you're wearing the actual cheer-leading outfit.
ME: Maybe I should have been more specific when I asked for help. I want to know how to make people feel better.
CARLY: There are things that make boys feel better than oral stimulation?
ME: Yes, Judd Apatow and undercooked meat.
CARLY: Eww...
ME: I just don't know if I'm very good at supporting people.
CARLY: That's because you live your life like a cathedral's roof. Everything has to support you or you'll fall down and kill us all.
ME: Thanks for not overdoing the metaphor.
CARLY: No problem.

I decided to just dive in and then learn to swim.

Another practice I need to give up...

Adam met me at a bar downtown. I was getting there after a show so I was running late and he was--

ADAM: Kevinnnnn Broccoliiiiiii!

Already drunk.

ADAM: Guess who hates their life?
ME: Any one of the Kardashians?
ADAM: Nope.
ME: Well, they should.
ADAM: I'm never going to know happiness again.

Time to be supportive!

ME: Of course you will! Lots of other stuff makes you happy besides being in a relationship.
ADAM: Like what?
ME: Bad reality television, Oprah, [title of show].
ADAM: I've consumed all of the above in the past twenty-four hours. I cried my eyes out to "A Way Back to Then" so many times the CD has a skip in it.
ME: You still buy CD's?

SUPPORTIVE, KEVIN, SUPPORTIVE!

ME: Hey! Let's get out of here and go get pancakes! Pancakes always make people feel better.
ADAM: And by people you mean truckers?
ME: I'm sorry. I suck at cheering people up.
ADAM: You don't have to try so hard. Just you being here is a big help.
ME: Really?
ADAM: Well, getting laid wouldn't hurt either, but yeah.
ME: Aw, that means a lot--the former, not so much the latter.

Maybe Carly was onto something. Maybe I do impose too much on people, forcing them to always support me so that when they need me I don't know what the hell to do.

Well, enough of that. I'm not going to be the cathedral roof anymore! From now on, I'm the...

...um...

The nave!

(Speaking of which, if you haven't read The Pillars of the Earth, I highly recommend it.)

ADAM: Oprah does.

Well, there you go.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Thou Shalt Stay Calm

So I've come up with a game plan for reforming myself.

I'm going to follow a tried and true method of living.

My horoscope.

ADAM: Hey, I checked your horoscope today. It says you're a tool.
ME: Did it give any advice?
ADAM: Yeah. Stop being a tool.
ME: I'll take that into consideration.
ADAM: This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard from you next to 'I'm sure it's not contagious.'
ME: You still can't prove that it was, in fact, contagious, and I think you can find some good, sound advice in your horoscope. Besides, I'm taking the whole thing with a grain of salt.
ADAM: You should try taking meds instead.

I realize it's not the most conventional idea, but it's better than reading those self-help books that tell you to realize that your energy is equal to that of a deer or a muffin.

HOROSCOPE: You will be put into a tense situation. Stay calm.

I had to get up early to drive my family to the airport so they could jet off to Florida. I'm doing a show right now, so I had to stay behind.

I didn't mind. A week in a house by myself with central air conditioning and no family is all the vacation I need.

But before I could enjoy all that, I had to get myself into a tense situation.

ME: You need to get over to the other lane!
MOM: I'll go when I need to go! I don't need to go yet!
ROGER: You're going to slide right into that semi!
DANNY: Our father, who art in Heaven...
RORY: Mom, do it! It'll be so spaz.
ME: Stop saying spaz like it's a cool thing! Mom, get over now!

Welcome to Tension Town. Next right, Aneurysm Alley.

My mother never lets me drive, even when it's my own car, so I'm subjected to seeing the car I haven't even paid off yet do things that no vehicle not owned by a NASCAR driver should be forced to do.

Then I remembered to stay calm.

ME: Mom, you might want to consider slowing down a little.
MOM: I'm doing forty.
ME: The speedometer says seventy.
MOM: You have to round down.
ROGER: Danny and Rory, I'm teaching you both how to drive.
MOM: Why? So little old ladies can pass them on the highway?
RORY: I think we ran over every old lady on this highway.

Dee breaths, deep breaths.

MOM: Don't forget to eat.
ME: Mom, eating really isn't something you forget to do.
MOM: No parties.
ME: I'm sorry. Am I Ferris Bueller?
RORY: Who's that?
ME: God help us.
DANNY: That's what I'm hoping for. There's construction near the airport.
MOM: I'll just go around it.
ROGER: You can't go around construction!

Lamaze breathing, lamaze breathing.

ME: Hee hee hoooooo...hee hee hooooo...
RORY: Mom, I think Kevin's giving birth!
DANNY: Why are you doing this?
ME: I want to stay calm.
DANNY: You should read this new book--it's all about the energy of muffins.
ME: Are we there yet?
MOM: Not unless the hearse in front of me decides to get the corpse wherever it's going before it thaws out.
DANNY: Mother!
ROGER: Don't bother, Danny. When Mom drives, she turns into Grandma.
MOM: Don't make me turn this car around!

Finally, we made it to the airport.

RORY: We're alive.
DANNY: Yeah, now we just have to get on a giant mechanism designed to stay afloat in the skies thereby defying God's will.
RORY: I call window seat!

I gave everybody a hug good-bye. Truth be told, I don't like having relatives travel, it puts me on edge.

MOM: You going to miss us?
ME: I'm holding back the tears, Ma.
MOM: Take care of yourself.

I could see her eyes tearing up.

ME: Aw, Mom, relax. I'll be okay.

But she was already hugging me again, and not showing any signs of letting go.

She just doesn't handle tense situations very well.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Thou Shalt Try Again

Whenever you think you're through improving yourself--

ADAM: You're a trainwreck.

--Ask your best friend what he thinks.

ME: I wouldn't say trainwreck.
ADAM: Please, the plane has crashed into the train on the plane in Spain.
ME: Well luckily I'm giving up everything I gave up last time, except this time it's going to stick.
ADAM: So no more--
ME: Nail-biting, coffee, judging people, meddling, or lying.
ADAM: You already broke the last one by saying you're going to do all that stuff.
ME: I haven't had coffee in days and I already stopped the nail-biting.
ADAM: The meddling and the judging?
ME: Did you hear me comment on the boy you're dating yet?
ADAM: Ohhh...that's why. So do you not like him?
ME: I like him, but I don't like the two of you together.
ADAM: So you think we should break up?
ME: That's something you have to decide.
ADAM: Do you think I'm an idiot for dating him?
ME: I think you should do what makes you happy.
ADAM: I hate it when you're loving and supportive.
ME: The Old New me is back, bitch.

Here we go again...