Thout Shalt Bond with Family, James Bond

HOROSCOPE: Let a common bond unite you when it comes to family matters.

A well-known fact to everyone who knows me.

My family owns the Bond franchise.

Let me clarify.

My grandfather's cousin was Albert "Cubby" Broccoli, and his children own pretty much anything Ian Fleming ever wrote.

When I was kid this impressed me, because Ian Fleming also wrote Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

As I got older, I liked...bigger men.

ME: You know who was a hot Bond? Timothy Dalton.
ADAM: Oh my God, shut up. You are the only person on the face of the earth that liked Timothy Dalton.
ME: Hey! He was in The Rocketeer! Show a little respect.

My father's side of the family has always resented the fact that a mere limb away on the family tree sits a pile of money and prestige that we will never get to.

DAD: Unless they were all to die in some horrible accident.
ME: Dad!
DAD: I'm just saying!
ME: That's my line. Don't use that.

Over dinner at my Dad's house, we often discuss what we would do if that avalanche ever takes out all of the wealthy citizens of Long Island where the Rich Broccolis reside.

DAD: You know who'd make a good Bond girl? Heather Locklear.
ME: Dad, she's too old.
DAD: She's my age.
ME: You're old.
DAD: Hey!
STACEY: I think Jake Gyllenhaal would be a good James Bond.
ME: Yeah, if he ever manages to look something other than befuddled.
HARRY: Okay, I guess we all forgot you're the creative genius. Who would you cast?
ME: Me, duh!

Riotous laughter.

ME: Um, what's so funny? At least I'm a brunette, unlike that poser Daniel Craig.
DEANNA: If there was a gay James Bond, it should be--
STACEY: Jake Gyllenhaal.
DEANNA: Rupert Everett.
DAD: Liberace.

Silence.

DAD: What? Is he old, too?
ME: No, he's dead.

I could be such a kickass James Bond.

And my Bond boy?

HARRY: Are you kidding?
ME: Justin Chatwin would be such a choice Bond boy.
DEANNA: Whose he?
ME: Go watch The Invisible.
STACEY: I saw that. It wasn't every good.
ME: You have to watch it with the sound off to really enjoy his performance.
DAD: Okay, enough talk of desecrating the family cash cow.
ME: Were you not the one who wanted to cast the playmates from The Girls Next Door as the first ever Bond Blonde triplets?
DAD: That was a choice based on autistic merit.
HARRY: Dad, you mean artistic--
ME: No, he had it right the first time.

I guess you could say we all have...creative differences.