Thou Shalt Exorcise Old Friends

HOROSCOPE: An old friend who did you wrong is back in town. Why not take this opportunity to settle the score? Revenge is petty, but a good confrontation is what separates the boys from the Queens.

I rarely get so nervous that I shake.

But I was shaking.

I like to put out this idea of myself--an appearance, but...

Well, remember on Buffy when Willow went crazy and became a baddie?

No?

You don't watch Buffy--or didn't?

Okay, so I need a better analogy.

Well, why don't I just put it this way--

There is no enemy scarier than an old friend.

ME: Friend, you're my Julia Child.
FRIEND: Oh, honey...Fuck off.

For those of you who haven't met Friend, please check out my earlier blog--www.100dates100boys.blogspot.com.

He's pretty prevalent throughout all of it.

But after it was done, so was our friendship.

And not in any grand, big finale fashion.

He just...stopped.

No more phone calls.
No more text messages.
No answers to anything I asked.

It all just...stopped.

Part of it was that my Friend was a big fan of Charlie, who you'll also meet if you choose to peruse the blog, and when Charlie and I ended, I think my Friend felt that he was in the right, and that--well, that I was a little too hard to support during the break-up.

Truth be told, I really don't blame him. I'm not always the easiest guy to stick up for.

So, I consulted with some of my 100 Dates friends to see what they thought I should do.

BRIAN: Sock him in the f**king face when you see him.
ME: Brian--
SCOOTER: I concur.
ME: Did you just use the word 'concur'?
TURNER: I'm sorry, but you're friends with someone you don't expect them to always do the right thing or be a saint. We were all friends with you back then and yes, you were a little rough around the edges--
ME: Is this supposed to be helpful?
TURNER: --And you still are--We all are!--But we don't judge and bail on each other.
BRIAN: Kevin, your Dad was in the hospital, you were going through a break-up, and all you could get out of your Friend was--

Stop.

Just stop.

That was all I ever got.

BRIAN: I'm telling you, punch him in the f**king teeth.

And yet, I really can't.

But I do have some things to say--if I could just stop shaking.

I don't see him when he comes in the cafe. As it is, I had to trick him to meet me here, but it felt necessary at the time. Now it just feels cheesy.

He sits down with that look on his face. It's a look that you give a project when it's over and yet, still giving you trouble.

Like my science project in fifth grade that never quite seemed completed.

That was the look.

I couldn't imagine what he would say, but then--

FRIEND: What?

There it was.

ME: Hi.
FRIEND: Where's Charlie?
ME: He's not coming.
FRIEND: He said--
ME: What I asked him to say. Strangely enough, he's gotten past hating me, but you haven't.
FRIEND: Have a good day.

He started to leave.

ME: I'm not sure why I'm surprised every time you run away.

This stopped him. He turned around, came back to the table, and sat down.

FRIEND: If you want to do this, we can do this, but it's not going to be pretty.
ME: I don't need pretty, I need the truth.
FRIEND: The truth is you started to annoy me, I didn't like the way you were treating Charlie, and basically, I stopped liking you. So I cut you off, as is my prerogative. I don't care what you or anybody else thinks about it, or me, and I've moved on to much bigger and better things in my life.
ME: Oh right. You're one of those people who really want to act, but don't have the confidence for it, so they become a jaded behind-the-scenes boy.
FRIEND: No respect for the little people?
ME: A good tech person is beyond value, but that's not what you are. You're just a scared little actor too afraid to step in front of the curtain.

This was all petty of me, but I didn't care. Somehow I went from nervous to furious. It was probably because furious is easier to deal with in the long run.

ME: You didn't like the way I treated Charlie? What about the way you treat guys?
FRIEND: What way is that?
ME: The same way you treated me. You insert yourself into their lives and just when you become indispensable you disappear with no consideration for them at all.
FRIEND: And your mistake was thinking you were going to be any different.
ME: So you don't see a friend as being different from a fling?
FRIEND: People are people. When they start wearing thin, they need to go.
ME: I wonder if you'll still have that attitude thirty years from now when you're surrounded by cats and antique chairs, watching PBS and riddled with syphilis.
FRIEND: Are you calling me a slut? Because that would be--
ME: Pot, kettle, black? Oh, don't I know it. The only difference is, I never dressed up my hookups to look like relationships. I called them like they were.
FRIEND: So you're a public slut, I'm a private one. Maybe I just don't like strutting my business throughout the town on any blog I can get my hands on.

I believe this is where my only thought, bitch it's on.

ME: By the time our friendship ended, I couldn't even go out with you because we'd run into too many boys looking to kill you. Most of them ugly and stupid, might I add.
FRIEND: Maybe if you hadn't gone out so much, Charlie wouldn't have sent you packing.
ME: Maybe if Charlie, like some of my friends, could handle hearing the truth, he would have wanted me to stick around. You two got along so well because you both like doing the wrong thing and then having your--big quotations here--friends tell you you're doing the right thing.
FRIEND: As opposed to you, who always knows you're doing the wrong thing and does it anyway?
ME: I never said I was perfect.
FRIEND: I wouldn't even say you were of value.
ME: You're right. I couldn't get TGIFriday's waiters to give me their phone numbers. Why bother to go on?
FRIEND: And you always broke your own rules. You have this huge list of rules that everybody has to follow or they get the cold shoulder from you, and then you break every one of those rules and expect that--
ME: Are you calling me a hypocrite? Guilty. Obnoxious? Yes. Sanctimonious? Probably. But I'm sorry, did you not know all this when we first became friends--
FRIEND: I--
ME: How about during the year we talked every single day? Did you just not notice that I was a big pile of crazy?
FRIEND: So you've made peace with yourself?
ME: I've made peace knowing that if your Dad was in the hospital and all you needed was to hear my voice, I would have called you. I can make peace with myself knowing that I'm not that heartless. That I can't put down those walls even if I want to. That at the end of the day, given the choice between helping you and hurting you, I'd still choose to help if you were in trouble. I can make peace knowing that within myself there's a person who can do that despite all the bullshit that might be piled on top of the good stuff. And every time I'd have trouble sleeping at night repeating everything I said to you right before you cut me off, that would be my lullaby. That I wouldn't do to you what you did to me. That I might be awful, but I wasn't that awful. That's how I made peace with it. So question, Friend, how do you make peace with yourself?
FRIEND: I don't know. Maybe I just like being an asshole. Do you have a monologue all prepared in case I answered with apathy? In case I just don't care?

Actually, I sort of did.

ME: Don't believe what everyone tells you. Who you associate with can determine your perceived worth, and whether or not you care, you should keep that in mind. You're incredibly talented at what you do. I love the pride you take in your work. You made me laugh harder than just about anybody I've ever met in my life. Thank you for a wonderful year of friendship. I'm sorry for everything I did wrong, and I forgive you for doing the one thing to me you knew I might not survive. I survived, but I still miss you terribly sometimes. Good-bye.

I stood up.

FRIEND: What the hell was that?
ME: That was everything I wanted to say to you that I refused to leave in a voicemail.
FRIEND: How poignant.
ME: By the way, I still love you more than my luggage. And that person inside will still force me to answer the phone if you ever decide to call. I just think you should know that.
FRIEND: So now you want a hug?
ME: No, now I have to be the one to leave.

And I did.

I walked away.

The shaking started again, but this time it felt like it was shaking something out. Shaking out all the rage and pain and tears and frustration.

And when I stopped shaking again, I knew I wouldn't start again any time soon.