Thou Shalt Not Cause a Scene

Horoscope: Don't cause a scene today, even though you may be tempted...

When have I ever caused a scene?

2002

ME: It's my goddammed graduation and if I want to throw my cap in the air I'm going to!
MOM: Honey, try to remember that you're graduating from a Catholic school, and saying goddam in a cathedral is frowned upon.

2004

ME: Fine! Break up with me! You couldn't get me a better birthday present!
CARLY: Should we all leave the room for this?
ME: No! I still want cake!

2006

ME: Who the fuck ate my English muffins?
GRANDMA: That would be me.
ME: Oh...carry on.

Okay, so maybe I've been known to be a little dramatic.

But lately I've been doing so well.

ADAM: That's because the drugs are working.
ME: They most certainly are not. I'm just mellowing with age.
ADAM: Is that why you disowned me last week when I saw The Mummy 3 without you?
ME: You know we always see bad movies together! It's our thing!
ADAM: Weren't you not supposed to freak out today?
ME: I...uh...I'm hanging up now.

Most normal people would avoid going out when they've been warned that they might be prone to theatrics, but hey, I'm a theater guy, theatrics are unavoidable.

Hence, I didn't even hesitate to go out with the boy in my life for a night on the town.

SHANE: So it's my job to make sure you don't punch someone tonight?
ME: Oh, like you don't have a temper?

Shane is pretty much everything you could want in a guy--passionate, funny, intelligent, tattooed, pierced, and willing to do karaoke.

Plus, he puts up with me.

Saying he makes me happy is like saying Ben and Jerry make ice cream.

SHANE: I only have a temper when creepy pervs are looking you over at the bar.
ME: Well tonight feel free to get into a fight with them about it. I can't be the one causing the fight if I'm the one breaking it up.
SHANE: So I get to be violent tonight?
ME: Happy belated birthday, babe.
SHANE: Yay!

We went out to our usual stomping ground and everything was going fine. Shane sang Natalie Merchant doing Pat Benatar and I did "Private Dancer" because nobody channels Tina like I do, and the world demands that I do it--who am I to say no?

Smooth sailing, right up until Shane went outside to smoke....

VOICE: Nice job on the song.

Catty laughter.

I knew then I was going to fail today's mission.

Turning around, I saw a bunch of college bitches cackling.

ME: Thanks.
CATTY BITCH #1: I was being sarcastic.
ME: Sarcasm? Is that like when I say 'You and your boyfriend look so happy together' when really he's on craig's list under 'Raw and ready'?
CATTY BITCH #2: So are you on there under 'Tacky and tactless'?

Touche.

ME: I would think someone trying to sport a faux hawk after 2004 would be hesitant to use the word tacky...
CATTY BITCH #3: Are you upset because nobody pays attention to you?
ME: No, I'm upset because your shirt is giving me a headache and your attitude weighs almost about as much as your beer belly. I'd lay off the coors--being a shrew doesn't speed up your metabolism, you know.

With that, I walked away and right into Shane.

SHANE: I leave you for five minutes--
ME: That's why you need to quit smoking. I need a more committed baby-sitter.
SHANE: Hey, you're the one making resolutions.

Yeah, keep reminding me.