Thou Shalt Not Tolerate Lisa

Horoscope: Feeling like a pencil? Because it's time to erase somebody from your life.

Normally, I would chalk that kind of foretelling up to a catty day at the astrologist's office, but with the arrival of my friend Lisa in town, I knew serendipity was in play.

ADAM: You're cutting Lisa out of your life?
ME: It's cold and unfeeling, I know.
ADAM: It's amazing! I'm doing it, too!
ME: So I'm not a bad person?
ADAM: Kevin, Lisa is impossible. She's self-centered, obnoxious, and pretentious.
ME: Aren't we all of those things too?
ADAM: Yeah, but we're funny too, so it all evens out.

Before you all start judging, I should probably give you some background on my friend Lisa.

I met her in high school, and we ended up going to the same college together. We've worked on shows together, we took most of the same classes together, and we've always lived within reasonable proximity of each other until she moved to Seattle upon graduating.

It was then that I realized something.

I don't like Lisa.

LISA: Oh my God! So that guy who I told you about? The one who was in love with me?
ME: Tim?
LISA: No. It turns out Tim is gay. I'm talking about AJ.
ME: Okay.
LISA: I thought AJ was in love with me.
ME: But he's not?
LISA: Oh, he totally is, but he won't admit it. He's like, getting married or something. And he like, won't return my phone calls.
ME: That's...well...he might be busy with the wedding.
LISA: Whatever. That's no reason to be rude.

Because Lisa and I have always--some might say forcibly--been a part of each other's lives, it just seemed logical that we should be friends. But once life wasn't demanding that we spend so much time together, it became clear that when the geographic closeness evaporated, so did every other kind of closeness.

It's not just that she's self-centered--

LISA: You have cancer? That's awful. It reminds me of when I had strep...

--Obnoxious--

LISA: You should hear me do that song. You know what? I'll just sing it for you a capella right now. That way you'll hear what I mean.

--Pretentious--

LISA: I mean, I just don't see how you can be a woman and not understand that the preeminent theatrical event of our time was A Streetcar Named Desire.

Like I said, everyone else I know exhibits those qualities too.

It's the fact that she's not aware she's any of those things. I know I do something tool-ish at least once an hour, and most of my friends revel in their cockiness. Lisa, on the other hand, likes to put on false humility when really you can see it in her eyes that she thinks she's better than everyone else. It's hard to be in a room with her where someone's telling a story without sensing how uncomfortable she is that nobody's paying attention to her.

And she's gone to some extreme lengths to get that attention.

LISA: Look, I don't want anyone's pity, but I just need you all to know that my Mom's cousin had two seizures yesterday and I'm just really upset about it.
ME: Lisa, have you ever met your Mom's cousin?
LISA: Like, once, I think. But I mean, a tragedy is a tragedy, even from afar. I think O'Neill said that.

See what I mean?

CARLY: I think O'Neill also said, "That bitch is crazy."
ME: She just sucks the energy out of you. It's like she's an energy vampire.
CARLY: Do I even have to say it?
ME: I know, Die Vampire Die. But this is Lisa! I've known her for years!
CARLY: Because you've had to know her for years. Now you don't have to.
ME: It's not like she can help being the way she is.
CARLY: Exactly. If there was any hope of her changing, I'd say stick it out and maybe she'll stop being a soul-crushing idiot, but since she's been this way forever, there's no point in waiting it out.
ME: I still feel bad.
CARLY: God, you sound like an abused husband still defending his wife.
ME: Lisa has hit me accidentally before--she was swatting at a fly and slapped me across the face.
CARLY: Yup, keep telling yourself that, Norma Lou.

I knew cutting ties with Lisa was going to be awful. She's prone to theatrics. And since I couldn't tell her the real reasons I wouldn't be talking to her anymore, but I didn't want to lie, I'd have to find some brilliant way to get my point across.

BETH: Fake amnesia.
ME: Remember me saying I can't lie?
BETH: Then you're screwed.
ME: Can you come with me?
BETH: No chance in hell.
ME: You're supposed to be her friend too!
BETH: As a show of solidarity with you, I'm cutting Lisa out of my life as well. Carly and Adam are doing the same.
ME: You can't do that! We can't all stop being friends with her! She'll be devastated!
BETH: If you can do it, why can't we?
ME: Because I thought of it first and I have a witty blog that needs material?
BETH: Nice try, Dear Abby.

I wish people would stop calling me lady names.

Dinner with Lisa was in a few hours, and I still couldn't figure out how I was going to get rid of her with all the grace and poise I'm noted for...

I needed to go to somebody who could supply me with sage wisdom. Unfortunately, Yoda was out of town, so I asked my brother, Danny.

DANNY: Does it really bother you that much to have her in your life, or is it simply an annoyance?
ME: She makes me want to rip off my own skin and kick myself in the head.
DANNY: So that would be...?
ME: An annoyance.
DANNY: So put up with it. Life isn't supposed to be one cakewalk after another.
ME: I'm sorry, but you're seventeen and you just used the word 'cakewalk'--
DANNY: Whether or not she shows it, I'm sure you being in her life means a lot to her, probably more than having her in your life irritates you.

Leave it to my brother to make me feel guilty.

ME: You missed out on a great career as an Italian mother, Danny.
DANNY: Shut up and eat.

See what I mean?

I had dinner with Lisa. It was excruciating, as usual, but maybe that's me being dramatic. At the end of the meal we hugged, and promised to hang out again the next time she's in town.

It's fair to say I shouldn't have to put up with anybody I don't want to, but then again, that's life, isn't it?

Maybe Danny's right. Maybe, despite the difficulty I have in finding it, I bring Lisa some small bit of joy. And a small bit of joy can be worth a lot of aggravation.

So I guess that means I'm going against my horoscope for the day. Nobody gets erased.

ADAM: You're a wimp.

...Then again...