Thou Shalt Support a Friend

HOROSCOPE: Support a friend in need. Be a cheerleader.

As many of you know, I hung out with the drama kids in high school, not so much the cheer leading squad--are they even called squads anymore?

I always think squad sounds like the plural form of squid.

We were attacked by a squad in the Atlantic! The horror!

Proving that horoscopes are in fact omniscient, my friend Adam ended his relationship yesterday and really needed some supporting. Before I could do that though, I needed to confer with an actual cheerleader.

CARLY: The important thing is to give good head.

So of course, I called Carly.

CARLY: They love when you do it while you're wearing the actual cheer-leading outfit.
ME: Maybe I should have been more specific when I asked for help. I want to know how to make people feel better.
CARLY: There are things that make boys feel better than oral stimulation?
ME: Yes, Judd Apatow and undercooked meat.
CARLY: Eww...
ME: I just don't know if I'm very good at supporting people.
CARLY: That's because you live your life like a cathedral's roof. Everything has to support you or you'll fall down and kill us all.
ME: Thanks for not overdoing the metaphor.
CARLY: No problem.

I decided to just dive in and then learn to swim.

Another practice I need to give up...

Adam met me at a bar downtown. I was getting there after a show so I was running late and he was--

ADAM: Kevinnnnn Broccoliiiiiii!

Already drunk.

ADAM: Guess who hates their life?
ME: Any one of the Kardashians?
ADAM: Nope.
ME: Well, they should.
ADAM: I'm never going to know happiness again.

Time to be supportive!

ME: Of course you will! Lots of other stuff makes you happy besides being in a relationship.
ADAM: Like what?
ME: Bad reality television, Oprah, [title of show].
ADAM: I've consumed all of the above in the past twenty-four hours. I cried my eyes out to "A Way Back to Then" so many times the CD has a skip in it.
ME: You still buy CD's?

SUPPORTIVE, KEVIN, SUPPORTIVE!

ME: Hey! Let's get out of here and go get pancakes! Pancakes always make people feel better.
ADAM: And by people you mean truckers?
ME: I'm sorry. I suck at cheering people up.
ADAM: You don't have to try so hard. Just you being here is a big help.
ME: Really?
ADAM: Well, getting laid wouldn't hurt either, but yeah.
ME: Aw, that means a lot--the former, not so much the latter.

Maybe Carly was onto something. Maybe I do impose too much on people, forcing them to always support me so that when they need me I don't know what the hell to do.

Well, enough of that. I'm not going to be the cathedral roof anymore! From now on, I'm the...

...um...

The nave!

(Speaking of which, if you haven't read The Pillars of the Earth, I highly recommend it.)

ADAM: Oprah does.

Well, there you go.