Thou Shalt Be a Family Man

HOROSCOPE: Spend more time with your family--whether you like it or not.

It's not that I don't enjoy spending time with my family.

DAD: The gays across the street are having one of their ecstasy parties again.

It's just that I would prefer to do many, many other things.

ADAM: I love hanging out with my family.
ME: That's because they give you money and get you drunk. Mine give me guilt and get me agitated.
ADAM: And there's the difference between the Italian and the Irish.
ME: My Dad's side is Italian. We're just odd around each other because of the...thing.
ADAM: You being a homo?
ME: Yeah, that thing.

Luckily, my horoscope was forcing me to enjoy time with my father at a time when I would have had to anyway.

We were celebrating my niece's birthday party. Little Bella is already one-years-old, which is shocking to me. Even more shocking is that my brother hasn't forgotten her anywhere yet.

HARRY: Today she said crap. Can you believe it?
ME: That classy Broccoli nature is already blossoming.

Deana, my brother's wife, has developed quite a backbone. Whereas she used to be quiet and sweet, she's now constantly steering my brother away from Bella in case he makes some silly little "new father" blunder--like putting her in the refrigerator.

HARRY: It was a joke, Deana!
DEANA: Like your face. Now give me the baby.

See what I mean?

My stepmother Stacey has responded to being a grandmother with gusto. And by gusto, I mean shopping.

STACEY: Look at this new face cream I got.
ME: It has rubies in it?
STACEY: Big chunks of them.
ME: Has does rubbing rock against your face make it smoother exactly?
STACEY: It puts the smell of the rich into your pores.
ME: Yes, because who wouldn't want to smell like Rupert Murdoch? The man looks like the Crypt Keeper.

We were all celebrating Bella's birthday in our usual Broccoli style--by fighting.

DAD: Those damn gays.
ME: Dad, could you call them something else?
DAD: I'm sorry--what's the politically correct name?
ME: Homosexuals would be fine.
DAD: Those limp-wristed homosexuals and their raves are driving me nuts!
ME: Way to slip in an adjective.
DAD: Is that a new drug?

I looked out the window at the supposed rave, and found that it was actually an outdoor dinner party my father's neighbors were hosting on his patio.

ME: Yeah Dad, it looks like quite the Gomorrah over there.
DAD: Don't let them fool you. They're using the barbecue as a front to make porn and sell drugs.
STACEY: Big Kev, I went over there yesterday and I didn't see any cameras or drugs.
DAD: You went over there?
STACEY: Whatever they were making smelled so good I just had to ask for the recipe.
ME: You went to get fashion advice, didn't you?
STACEY: Well you're no help! You told me that blouse looked fine.
ME: It did!
STACEY: It made me look boxy! The gays confirmed it!

Annie came running into the room. She's about to go into fourth grade, and every time I think of that it makes me weep uncontrollably. There should be a button you can put on your younger siblings so that they'll never grow up to know what a schmuck you are.

ANNIE: Kevin, I'm opening a lemonade stand.
ME: Since when do you call me Kevin? I'm Butter!

(Like Brother)

HARRY: She's too old to keep calling you Butter.
ME: Who asked you?
DEANA: Time for dinner, Bella.
DAD: You're going to whip out that boob right at the table?
STACEY: It's perfectly natural, Kev.
DAD: It can be natural in another room. I'm trying to eat here.
ME: I don't like being called Kevin.
ANNIE: It's your name.
ME: Stop growing! Take up smoking or something.

She laughed and ran away. Meanwhile, Deana was feeding Bella.

DAD: So much for dinner.

Just then, we heard music wafting in through the windows. It sounded like Sinatra.

DAD: Are those gays playing Sinatra?
ME: See that, Dad? They're just like you.
HARRY: Gay guys like Sinatra?
ME: Are you kidding? Those eyes--
DAD: Nothing's sacred anymore. Nothing.

Watching my father's idol embraced by dinner party-throwing gay guys was pretty sweet. It reminded me that, as a member of the younger generation, the future is on my side.

And when it comes to family, isn't that all that really matters?