Thou Shalt Stay Calm

So I've come up with a game plan for reforming myself.

I'm going to follow a tried and true method of living.

My horoscope.

ADAM: Hey, I checked your horoscope today. It says you're a tool.
ME: Did it give any advice?
ADAM: Yeah. Stop being a tool.
ME: I'll take that into consideration.
ADAM: This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard from you next to 'I'm sure it's not contagious.'
ME: You still can't prove that it was, in fact, contagious, and I think you can find some good, sound advice in your horoscope. Besides, I'm taking the whole thing with a grain of salt.
ADAM: You should try taking meds instead.

I realize it's not the most conventional idea, but it's better than reading those self-help books that tell you to realize that your energy is equal to that of a deer or a muffin.

HOROSCOPE: You will be put into a tense situation. Stay calm.

I had to get up early to drive my family to the airport so they could jet off to Florida. I'm doing a show right now, so I had to stay behind.

I didn't mind. A week in a house by myself with central air conditioning and no family is all the vacation I need.

But before I could enjoy all that, I had to get myself into a tense situation.

ME: You need to get over to the other lane!
MOM: I'll go when I need to go! I don't need to go yet!
ROGER: You're going to slide right into that semi!
DANNY: Our father, who art in Heaven...
RORY: Mom, do it! It'll be so spaz.
ME: Stop saying spaz like it's a cool thing! Mom, get over now!

Welcome to Tension Town. Next right, Aneurysm Alley.

My mother never lets me drive, even when it's my own car, so I'm subjected to seeing the car I haven't even paid off yet do things that no vehicle not owned by a NASCAR driver should be forced to do.

Then I remembered to stay calm.

ME: Mom, you might want to consider slowing down a little.
MOM: I'm doing forty.
ME: The speedometer says seventy.
MOM: You have to round down.
ROGER: Danny and Rory, I'm teaching you both how to drive.
MOM: Why? So little old ladies can pass them on the highway?
RORY: I think we ran over every old lady on this highway.

Dee breaths, deep breaths.

MOM: Don't forget to eat.
ME: Mom, eating really isn't something you forget to do.
MOM: No parties.
ME: I'm sorry. Am I Ferris Bueller?
RORY: Who's that?
ME: God help us.
DANNY: That's what I'm hoping for. There's construction near the airport.
MOM: I'll just go around it.
ROGER: You can't go around construction!

Lamaze breathing, lamaze breathing.

ME: Hee hee hoooooo...hee hee hooooo...
RORY: Mom, I think Kevin's giving birth!
DANNY: Why are you doing this?
ME: I want to stay calm.
DANNY: You should read this new book--it's all about the energy of muffins.
ME: Are we there yet?
MOM: Not unless the hearse in front of me decides to get the corpse wherever it's going before it thaws out.
DANNY: Mother!
ROGER: Don't bother, Danny. When Mom drives, she turns into Grandma.
MOM: Don't make me turn this car around!

Finally, we made it to the airport.

RORY: We're alive.
DANNY: Yeah, now we just have to get on a giant mechanism designed to stay afloat in the skies thereby defying God's will.
RORY: I call window seat!

I gave everybody a hug good-bye. Truth be told, I don't like having relatives travel, it puts me on edge.

MOM: You going to miss us?
ME: I'm holding back the tears, Ma.
MOM: Take care of yourself.

I could see her eyes tearing up.

ME: Aw, Mom, relax. I'll be okay.

But she was already hugging me again, and not showing any signs of letting go.

She just doesn't handle tense situations very well.