Thou Shalt Live Alone and Like It

HOROSCOPE: Be at peace tonight. Don't go out. Meditate.

Of course, this would be my horoscope on a Saturday.

If I was advised not to go out on a Tuesday, I'd be all about it. But I have to stay home on a Saturday night?

Is SNL even on anymore?

ADAM: What are you going to meditate on?
ME: My life.
ADAM: That should take about five minutes.
ME: I guess by always going out on weekends I'm just conforming to societal norms.
ADAM: So you're knocking societal norms? Does that mean you're going to give up bathing and watching the Olympics?
ME: Oh! I can watch the Olympics!
ADAM: Have fun. I think tonight is table tennis.
ME: Wah.

I would never say that I was Mr. Popular, but it would stand to reason that the one night I decide to stay in is the night I get the most offers to go out.

BETH: Come drink with me.
ME: Beth, you know I don't drink.
BETH: Come watch me drink and judge me.
ME: I can't--not because I wouldn't love to--but I have to stay in tonight and be at peace with myself.
BETH: Is that code for jerking off?

* * * * *

CARLY: But you have to be my wingman tonight!
ME: Carly, whenever I'm your wingman I end up at a straight bar by myself apologizing to the owner for something you did right before you left.
CARLY: I know! It's our Saturday night tradition!
ME: Ask Beth to be your wingman...woman...whatever. She's looking for someone to drink with tonight.
CARLY: Is she good at dealing with the cops?
ME: Not as good as me, but she'll do. Have her tell Officer Dan I said hi.
CARLY: Ohh Officer Dan. He's the best at frisking.

* * * * *

SHANE: So I'm on my own tonight?
ME: Sorry babe.
SHANE: It's okay. I can use the time to read.
ME: What are you reading?
SHANE: Poetry by some homo.
ME: Is that the official title?
SHANE: No, it's called something like "Lovers and Syphilis."
ME: I think that was an Oprah's book club selection.
SHANE: You going to be okay sitting at home alone with your thoughts?
ME: Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Two hours later...

ME: Niiiiite--oh. Me say niiite--oh. Saturday comes and I wanna go oooout.

It got worse. I resorted to the unthinkable.

Spending time with my family.

ME: Hey Mom, you want to watch a movie together?
MOM: I can't. Me and Grandma are going to Bingo.
ME: Wouldn't you rather spend time with your son than gamble?
MOM: Yes, I would...on a weeknight. But tonight is money night. Love you.

* * * * *

ME: Roger, do you want to have a philosophical discussion about something?
ROGER: Like what?
ME: Suicide.
ROGER: Is it weighing on your mind?
ME: It's a Saturday night and I'm actively seeking quality time with my stepfather. What else would be on my mind?
ROGER: Sorry Kev, I have poker night.
ME: It's all right. I'm sure I can have that discussion with myself while I drive to the nearest bridge.

* * * * *

ME: Hey Danny, whatcha doing?
DANNY: Reading the Bible.
ME: Okay, I'm not that desperate. Where's Rory?
DANNY: He's out.
ME: It's midnight.
DANNY: Yes it is.
ME: He's fourteen.
DANNY: Yes, he is.
ME: You don't think that's a little--
DANNY: I think we should have put him in a home years ago. Did you have a stricter curfew at fourteen?
ME: At fourteen, I was home watching SNICK.
DANNY: What's SNICK?

Oh Christ...

Danny took a break from Job, and ate some ice cream with me.

ME: I think I know why I have a problem not going out.
DANNY: Because this house smells like old cheerios.
ME: No, but now that you mention it--
DANNY: Are you afraid of being alone?
ME: No, I mean, I'm not alone now. It's just that...when I was a kid, I never did anything. I never went anywhere. I was such a homebody. Mom would try to get me to go out and I'd cry and pout and finally she just gave up. And even though it seemed like that was what I wanted, I was always so sad that I was by myself. I felt like there was this big party going on that I just wasn't invited to. And then once I broke out of that, I kept trying to find that party, and I keep thinking that if I go out--
DANNY: Maybe one day you'll run into it?
ME: But there is no party, is there?
DANNY: If there is, everybody there probably wants to be at another party. That's the downside of being social. It's not always very fulfilling.

So maybe that was why I needed to stay home. To learn that the only time you're satisfied being where you are is when you're satisfied with yourself.

Hey, look at me growing as a person!

ADAM: Oh my God, you missed such a good time tonight.

...And now that the lesson is learned, I can continue to go out all the time...

Yay!