For those of you who read last week's entry and are saying--But wait, aren't meddling and judging really similar? Well, meddling is like judging--only the next step. Meddling is active judging. It's putting your judging skills to the test. So Kevin, you say, since you gave up judging--wouldn't meddling go with it?
Yeah, it's not that simple.
ADAM: Explain this to me.
ME: Apparently you can meddle without judgment.
ADAM: Of course you can. It's called manipulation. It's my favorite party game.
ME: No more of that for me. From now on, I'm going to let people live and...um...let live.
ADAM: So you're not going to give your opinion anymore?
ME: No.
ADAM: Interfere in other people's lives?
ME: Nope.
ADAM: Tell me when I'm making the wrong decision as I'm walking into a taken guy's house at 2am slightly tipsy and poised to strike?
ME: That one might be harder to give up, but I'll manage.
ADAM: You're never going to be able to keep this up.
ME: Watch me, Madam.
But this time, and I don't say this often, Madam may have been right...
I woke up and began my new life as a meddlesome free person confident that I could achieve my new goal. That lasted until breakfast when I walked into the living room to find Rory and Mom looking out the window with the blinds closed. It was then I knew this day was going to be--
RORY: Here comes another one.
--Noteable.
ME: Another what? Police officer up the walk coming to take you two away?
Mom flipped around looking guilty. Rory, however, didn't budge.
MOM: Good morning, honey. Do you want breakfast?
ME: Don't try sweet talking me, Peeping Tomasina. What I want to know is if Roger's outside on the branches of a nearby tree with a pair of binoculars.
RORY: Shut up. I can't concentrate.
ME: On what?
MOM: We have new neighbors.
ME: Congratulations Mom, it's happened. You're a desperate housewife.
RORY: Kev, they're amazing.
VOICE: Oh God, not the neighbors.
Danny was walking in from the porch after doing his morning prayers. Don't ask me why he does them outside...Something about communing with nature, and blah blah blah--
DANNY: You've been watching them for two days now. Give it a rest.
ME: Two days? Are they Kennedys?
RORY: Better--come look.
I decided to see what all the fuss was about. Apparently, the Real World's standards have gotten so low they're doing one in Johnston, Rhode Island. Across the street from me where Mrs. Brennan with the one eye used to live--she now lives in Florida where I would imagine she continues to raise cats and give two-dollar haircuts--there now resided four gorgeous college-age kids. There was a blonde girl with a perfect body, a Mediterranean boy with a perfect body, a punk-rock looking boy with red and blue hair who resembled Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, and a studious looking brunette who was totally working the Linda Cardellini look. There was also a fifth roommate--a not-so-hot guy in major need of one of Mrs. Brennan's haircuts and a visit from the Queer Eye guys.
I knew all this because they were all sitting together in their kitchen eating breakfast, which I have a perfect view of from my living room.
ME: Wow.
RORY: It's like Newport Beach--minus Odd Guy.
ME: I hope you're not actually referring to him as Odd Guy?
RORY: Who else would I be talking about?
MOM: I wonder how they met him.
ME: Yes, because people that beautiful don't interact with the outside world.
MOM: That's not what I meant. They just all seem to be so much more, um--
DANNY: I think they're students.
ME: Students where? We don't live near a college.
RORY: Maybe they go to RIC.
ME: I went to RIC. People who go to RIC don't look like that, trust me. People who look like that go to beaches in Miami and do calendar shoots.
I had to admit--I was a little fascinated by the Model 4 Plus 1, but I had other things to do today--or rather, things not to do, since I planned on being a model of my own--a model non-meddler.
ME: I'm going to be late for work. Rory, keep the stalking to a minimum.
RORY: You know, you always tell me to get a hobby and then when I do--
ME: Mom, try not to encourage this too much.
DANNY: At least he's not setting anything on fire.
RORY: Kev, you should go talk to them. Find out about them--like why they're friends with Odd Guy.
ME: Absolutely not. I'm not going to insert myself into the lives of our hot new neighbors--not even the life of the one with the really nice tan.
MOM: He has a six pack. I saw it when he was doing sit-ups in his room this morning.
Awkward silence.
DANNY: Good to know my prayers for all of you are working.
So far I had avoided meddling once today--if you can even consider that meddling--but it was clear harder challenges were ahead of me.
Before I had even gotten to work, I was faced with the opportunity to put my two cents in on a Beth predicament.
BETH: Tell me to quit my job.
ME: Beth, I can't do that.
BETH: Kevin, my boss is a nightmare.
Beth's boss is a flamboyant man named Carlos who always seems to get under her skin with minor little catty comments.
For example:
CARLOS: Beth, when I asked you to file those forms, I meant alphabetically--not in Beth's Magical Mystery Order, which it seems is any which way but loose.
...And...
CARLOS: Beth, are you taking another smoking break? Something tells me you're going to give our health insurance provider a run for its money sometime in the near future.
...And who could forget...
CARLOS: Beth, that outfit again...really?
So, it wasn't that I didn't think Beth should quit and tell Carlos to take the job and snap snap shove it. I just decided it wasn't my business to say.
BETH: But I'm asking your opinion!
ME: But my opinion isn't needed. You should just do what you want to do.
BETH: I want to run over his mailbox!
ME: Okay, well...Do you want to go to jail?
BETH: See, that was helpful. You dissuaded me from doing something illegal.
ME: No, I didn't. I just asked an innocent question that led you to a reasonable answer.
BETH: Fine, Broccoli, we'll play it your way. Ask me if I want to quit my job.
ME: Do you?
BETH: I don't know! Tell me what to do!
ME: Beth, you already know what you want to do, you're just asking me because you're second-guessing yourself.
BETH: You're right.
I heard a bump on the other end of the line.
ME: Tell me that wasn't his mailbox.
BETH: I can't confirm or deny anything.
My convo with Beth made me five minutes late for work. Luckily, the place is dead on Fridays so it wasn't like the place was overflowing with work that needed to be done.
MARTHA: Well, look who's gracing us with his presence.
ME: If you're not good, you don't get the donuts I brought.
MARTHA: There's the grandson I never had!
I handed out the chocolate frosted goods and went to work. Downstairs Daisy was substituting for the children's librarian who had called out sick. That's right. Daisy was doing Story Time. I found her reading of Where the Wild Things Are to be particularly engaging.
DAISY: Now, I might change this part around a little bit only because I don't want any of you to get scared.
LITTLE BOY: I won't get scared. My Mommy lets me watch Saw.
DAISY: Is that on Nickelodeon?
LITTLE GIRL: I like Hostel!
DAISY: Let's see what happens to Max. I hope he doesn't get eaten by the big hairy men.
I was going to step in and take over, but today I wasn't meddling. Meanwhile, Millie was in the fiction room weeding out the Steinbeck.
MILLIE: Is Cannery Row any good?
ME: It's a classic.
MILLIE: Not in Johnston it's not.
In Johnston, Jackie Collins' Hollywood Wives is a classic.
I was going to offer to help find some of the less desirable books in our collection (I was dying to get rid of half the Danielle Steel) but again, that would be meddling. So instead I went looking for a lost copy of The Virgin Suicides when I ran into...him.
He was standing in front of the the 'M's and I saw him pick out Gorgeous Lies and read the summary, after which he scooped it under his arm, thereby showing his good taste in contemporary literature.
I went to move back behind one of the stacks so that I wouldn't be found just standing there staring at him when I literally walked into the bookshelf instead, toppling over three Salmon Rushdie novels (Sorry Satanic Verses.)
He turned and saw me standing there with a pile of books at my feet and he did the most wonderful thing--he smiled. I smiled back, and then went to walk forward and tripped over Haroun and the Sea of Stories. Library Boy literally had to stop me from falling right on top of him.
ME: Sorry.
LIBRARY BOY: Don't worry about it.
ME: I just took out Salmon Rushdie.
LIBRARY BOY: I saw. I think you may be able to collect a reward from the Ayatollah.
Be still my heart.
ME: Can I help you find anything?
LIBRARY BOY: Actually I was looking for George Saunders.
ME: I think he's from Manhattan.
LIBRARY BOY: I mean, where in the library to find George Saunders.
ME: Oh...right.
Eesh...
ME: We actually don't have any of his books, but I'd be happy to put one on hold for you.
I'd be happy to put my life on hold for you actually. I can have it sent to you from any library in the state.
LIBRARY BOY: That would be great. I've been dying to read In Persuasion Nation.
ME: I just finished that! It's excellent.
LIBRARY BOY: Well, now I have to read it, since it comes highly recommended from a hired assassin.
I laughed...a little too hard.
Back at the Circ desk, I relayed the details of my meeting with Library Boy. The ladies were mostly encouraging.
MARTHA: You don't sound like you made too big a fool out of yourself.
ME: I know, right?
DAISY: Did he end up checking anything out?
ME: Yeah. He took out Talk Talk.
MILLIE: Isn't that your Book Club book for this month?
ME: Possibly.
MARTHA: Did you try to get him to join Book Club so you could see him again?
ME: I didn't try anything... I just happened to drop a Book Club flyer in front of him.
MARTHA: You know, sometimes, you remind me of that old movie star--
ME: Jimmy Stewart?
MARTHA: No, Eve Arden.
Hey, I'll take that. She was a fine looking woman in her prime.
While I discussed the plans for Library Boy and myself, I decided to check my e-mail (because that's how professional I am). There was the usual mix of spam, marriage proposals from loyal blog readers (by the way, yes Carter from Des Moines, I will be your life partner) and a rather curious e-mail from Nick, one of my good friends.
If you're not sure who Nick is, he's all over the other blog (www.100dates100boys.blogspot.com).
Nick is generally a really quiet person. Very laid back. Of all my friends, he's definitely the least flashiest. Getting an e-mail from him was a little strange. It just seemed way too formal. Especially since I had just talked to him last week.
It was a group e-mail and it read as follows:
To All My Friends,
I've been going through a really rough time recently with some personal issues that many of you do not know about, but that I don't feel are worth discussing at this point in time. I'm going to be going away for awhile, and I just wanted to let you all know I'm fine, and that I'll try to stay in touch if I can.
All My Love,
Nick
Uh...what?
CARLY: Sounds like he's pulling a Greta Garbo.
ME: Clearly.
CARLY: So give him what he wants.
ME: I don't get it, though. We're good friends. If there was a problem why didn't he tell me?
CARLY: Kevin, not everyone likes talking about their problems.
ME: Are you serious?
CARLY: I know, I find it hard to believe, too.
ME: How does he know I can't help him if he won't even give me a chance?
CARLY: Hey, aren't you done with meddling?
ME: Yes, yes, you're right. I'll leave it alone.
CARLY: Terrific, because I have a brand new idea to jumpstart your blog.
ME: Carly, I think the blog is going fine.
CARLY: Let's not kid ourselves here, Broccoli. Attach the paddles and yell 'Clear.'
ME: Clear.
CARLY: Here's the idea--
This Fall...
ME: I think this frog needs to kiss a few more princes.
From the Creator of 100 Dates, 100 Boys...
ME: If at first you don't succeed...
ME: ...Make out with 100 more boys!
Comes a new take on Kiss and Tell!
ME: ...Make out with 100 more boys!
100 Boys
ME: And this time--
100 Kisses
ME: There will be a winner.
1 Winner for Top Kisser
ME: Pucker up, boys.
100 Boys, 100 Kisses
ME: Mwuah.
Produced by Carly
Silence
Silence
More Silence
CARLY: So? What do you think?
ME: Um, I don't...hate it.
CARLY: Do you like the new slant?
ME: It sounds like a sluttier version of the dating blog.
CARLY: That's the point!
ME: I'm not sure I could find 100 boys I'd be interested in kissing.
CARLY: Don't worry. I'm giving you plenty of time to get it done. I figured we could unveil the winner at next June's pride.
ME: There's going to be a winner?
CARLY: Of course! Kevin, this is a competition. The person you feel is the best kisser wins the title and perhaps some sort of goodie bag, I'm still in negotiations with Coach and Banana.
ME: But Carly--
CARLY: We could even send you out to do press for it. Philadelphia, New York, Toronto, Minneapolis, Boise--
ME: Boise?
CARLY: You're huge in Idaho.
While Carly detailed the plans of my North American tour--at one point she suggested I open for the Twisted Sister reunion shows--I headed home for dinner.
When I got there, Rory was still sitting in front of the window staring at the Model House.
ME: Any new developments?
RORY: No, but I did figure out some of the relationships.
ME: Fine, it's been a long day. I'll bite. Who's dating who?
RORY: Blondie is with the Greek.
ME: That bitch.
RORY: And Smart Girl is dating Punky.
ME: So Odd Guy is single?
RORY: Does that surprise you?
ME: Poor bastard.
As I was sitting down to some lo mein, the phone rang. When I saw whose number it was on my caller ID, I nearly hit Reject. But, being the dutiful brother that I am, I picked up.
ME: Hi Harry, what's up?
Harry is my older half-brother. Before my Dad married my Mom, he was married to another woman and had a child--my brother Harry. They got divorced--it was particularly nasty. So much so that Harry's mom changed his last name. (Sometimes I'm a little bit envious of the fact that he got to rid himself of Broccoli.)
He appeared in my life when I was seven, but only for a brief moment when my Dad decided it was time to meet him. Apparently it took seven years for Harry's mother to cool off enough to let him meet his younger brother. By that point, however, Danny had already been born, and I felt a much greater kinship to the little newborn than to this eleven-year-old boy that my father told me was family.
I don't mention Harry when people ask me how many siblings I have. We barely saw each other over the years until he turned twenty, and started trying to become a part of my Dad's life again. It used to be a real sore spot between me and my father, since I always thought it was awful of him not to fight for joint custody of Harry, but Dad always acts as if that's something I don't need to know about.
Yeah, it's complicated.
But now Harry calls me once a week--usually to ask for something. It's not always money, sometimes it's just little favors here and there. I can't say he's grown up to be the most exemplary guy, which was why I was more than a little upset when he told me--
HARRY: You're going to be an uncle.
ME: Uncle who--wait, what?
I actually looked over at Rory to see if that was who he was talking about. Had Rory already gotten someone pregnant? I mean, I knew it was going to happen eventually but--
HARRY: Deena's pregnant.
Deena is Harry's incredibly sweet girlfriend. I instantly felt really sorry for her.
ME: Did you plan this?
HARRY: No, but we're both mad happy about it. I bought cigars and everything.
ME: Have you thought about other things you may need to buy--like a house?
HARRY: Haha, good one, Kev.
ME: How pregnant is Deena?
HARRY: Three months.
ME: Three months?! And you're just telling people now?
HARRY: No! I'm not telling people. I'm telling you. And you can't tell Dad. He'll flip.
ME: What do you plan on doing once she's born? Telling him you just like pushing around a carriage for fun?
Part of me wanted to scream at the top of my lungs--You cannot keep this baby! You will destroy it's life. You will create another messed up human being to walk the earth and mumble to themselves!
But then I remembered my resolution.
And instead I took another high road and said--
ME: Harry, I can't lie to Dad. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that.
HARRY: I'm not saying you have to say Deena's not pregnant. Just don't say anything at all.
ME: Harry--
HARRY: When do I ever ask you for anything?
ME: You asked me for twenty bucks last week.
HARRY: Anything important.
ME: I just don't--
Then I realized all the times Dad had slightly manipulated the truth where I was concerned--
DAD: I would have called you on your birthday, but I was on a secret government mission.
DAD: You'll die if a cat sneezes on you.
DAD: Your mother didn't just leave you here for the weekend; she moved to Beijing.
--And suddenly, I thought, What the hell?
ME: Fine. I won't say anything.
HARRY: You rock, Kev. You're going to make a great uncle.
ME: I'll start stocking up on nickels in my ear.
It's not that I wasn't thrilled to have a little niece or nephew on the way; it's just that it felt like it wasn't the real deal. Harry had been such a late addition to my life that everything about our relationship just felt fake.
Still, it gave me a legitimate reason to try contacting Nick. I had no intentions of meddling and telling him that he should have given me and his other friends more of a heads up before disappearing. All I was going to do was update him on my new gay uncle status and wish him luck on all his future endeavors.
But when I tried to send him an e-mail, I got the mailer demon back. He had deleted his e-mail address. Not only that, his myspace and facebook profiles were gone.
Now, I understand starting a new life, but who the hell gets rid of their facebook? That's like deleting your soul!
JOE: Maybe he wants a fresh start.
ME: If you want a fresh start, you get a new haircut. You don't erase yourself from the mainframe.
JOE: Kevin, all he did was delete an e-mail address and two online profiles. He didn't burn down his house and kill his family.
ME: We don't know that. I don't know anything his family or the possibly burned down house they live in.
JOE: You have no idea why he'd take off like this?
ME: Not a clue. Why would anyone take off like this? Have you ever done anything like that?
JOE: One time, I went to the mall and I didn't tell anyone.
ME: And that set off sirens all across Rhode Island I'm imagine.
JOE: Yeah...I had like...twelve text messages.
ME: And did you feel bad about making your friends worry?
JOE: Oh, nobody was worried. The text messages were about my new facebook photo. It was after I had let myself get a little scruffy. It was a big hit.
Wait a second--Text messages! Perfect. I sent Nick a text--no dice. When trying to phone him I discovered that the number had been disconnected.
What the hell was going on here?
Before I could think any more about it, my phone rang--it was Dad. I was determined to keep my promise and not spill Harry's secret until he was ready to tell our father.
ME: Hi Dad.
DAD: She's pregnant, isn't she?
F**k me.
ME: What? Who's pregnant?
DAD: Don't play dumb with me. The only person in this family that's a better liar than you is me, so talk.
ME: Dad, I can't do that.
DAD: Do I have to get your Uncle Vito and the backroom of a bar involved?
ME: Dad!
DAD: How could he be so irresponsible?
ME: Gee, I don't know. Maybe he learned from the best?
DAD: So that's an admission.
ME: An admission that Harry is irresponsible? Yes, I'll admit to that.
DAD: He comes over here asking if we have any of Annie's baby clothes still hanging around and he doesn't think I'll know what's going on. Asking for baby clothes. That moron.
ME: And what did he say he was asking for?
DAD: Said he wanted to give them to charity.
Bad lie. Really bad lie.
ME: Maybe he's taking on a more generous outlook towards life.
DAD: Or maybe he forgot to wrap it before he tapped it.
ME: Please never use that expression again.
DAD: I'm too friggin' young to be a grandfather!
ME: You were too young to be a father; that would just be the next step in the process--hypothetically speaking.
DAD: You should talk to him about this. Tell him to consider the options.
ME: No way, Dad. I've given up meddling with people. From now on I'm keeping my mouth shut.
DAD: Fine, but Kev, promise me one thing. Promise me you'll never get a girl pregnant until after you marry her.
ME: Gay gay gay, Dad. Remember? Interior design, Bravo, Cher--
DAD: Doesn't mean anything. Girls are tricky. They'll trick you.
ME: Yes, Dad, I'm sure Deana had to use a lot of smoke and mirrors to get Harry in bed.
DAD: Is that what you kids are into today? Smoke and mirrors?
ME: Get some sleep, Grandpa. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
I finished talking to Dad just as my Mom was coming into the kitchen.
MOM: Your father is going to be a Grandpa?
ME: Yes, Mom. Harry's having a baby.
MOM: Oh, thank you Lord, for making him old before me. The jokes shall be bountiful.
ME: Great. Now my biting wit is rubbing off on you.
That night I went out with Adam, Joe, and Beth. At the club, I had to put my new non-meddling skills to the test.
ADAM: That guy's hot.
No he's not. He's strung out on something--maybe lighter fluid.
ME: Mmm...
BETH: I think I'm going to take a cigarette break.
Don't do it! If your lungs were children, DCYF would have seized them already!
ME: Cool.
JOE: I have to use the men's room.
NO! GERMS! UGLY GUYS CHECKING OUT YOUR JUNK WHILE YOU PEE! GERMS!
ME: Okay.
This was going to be harder than I thought. At one point, a guy approached me.
GUY: Hey, you're Kevin, right?
ME: Um...yes.
GUY: I love your blog.
ME: Oh, thank you so much.
GUY: It's really clever.
ME: That's so nice of you to say.
I shot Adam the 'Ha Ha, I'm Famous' look, and he shot me the 'You're a Dorky Tool Who Writes About Biting Your Nails' look.
GUY: So, can I try?
ME: Try what?
GUY: The Kissing contest.
ME: You want to--I'm sorry, I'm very confused.
GUY: I get one try, right? One entry. I already have chapstick on. I think that might put me over the edge.
ME: Carly's idea? How did you hear about that?
GUY: I'm friends with her on Myspace and she posted a bulletin about it.
ME: Oh geez--
GUY: My friends tell me I'm an amazing kisser. I use a lot of lower lip.
ME: Well tempting as that sounds, I think I may have to--
GUY: Aw, c'mon--
And before I could say another word, I had been pulled in for the lip lock. It last about thirty seconds and wasn't altogether unenjoyable, although I was going to have to mention to Carly that I would not be kissing 99 more random strangers.
When the kiss was over, the guy shook my hand and said--
GUY: Trevor. The name's Trevor. Just so you have it right when you crown me winner. I'll message you my e-mail address.
ME: Um, thank you...Trevor. You may just win by default.
I looked over at Adam who was now giving me the--
ADAM: You're a skank.
Yeah, that look.
Across the club I spotted the guy Nick had been seeing for awhile. His name is Juan, and he's a local college student. I only met him a few times, but he seemed like a relatively nice guy. I figured if anyone knew where Nick was and what was going on with him, it would be Juan.
I made my way over, but before I could even get there, Juan spotted me and seemed to be searching for an escape route. Luckily, I moved too fast and before he could go anywhere I was standing right in front of him.
ME: Hey Juan.
JUAN: Hi--Kevin, right?
ME: Yeah, Nick's friend.
JUAN: Riiight.
I detected some hostility.
ME: Speaking of Nick, I got his message, but now there doesn't seem to be any way to contact him. His phone number--
JUAN: Yeah, he left my house the night before he sent that message out. We had a big fight and I told him I never wanted to see him again. Maybe that's why he spazzed.
ME: A fight? What was the--
JUAN: Really none of your business. Unless Nick wants to tell you, in which case--
ME: I would love for him to tell me, but he seems to have vanished into thin air.
JUAN: Don't be so dramatic. No wonder you two are friends. You have that in common.
With that, he walked away. There was a part of me that wanted to grab him by his little vanity "Push My Button" t-shirt and yank him back, but I thought better of it.
There was something about all this that was really unsettling to me.
Unfortunately, before I could think of what to do about it, the phone rang.
ME: Hi Uncle Will.
UNCLE WILL: Your Mom told us the good news.
JEFF: Congratulations Uncle Kevin!
This is why I don't talk to my mother. Harry's baby was probably going to be the headline of the New York Post tomorrow.
ME: Thank you for the well wishes, but keep it on the downlow.
UNCLE WILL: Aren't you excited?
ME: Well, it's Harry's kid.
JEFF: So what? He's going to let you see it, isn't he?
ME: See it? Are you kidding? He probably already has me booked to babysit the kid for the first six months until the kid learns to crawl, speak, and support itself financially.
UNCLE WILL: Just be supportive. This baby is going to need all the love it can get.
ME: I know, I know. I need to stop being so selfish and look on the bright side of things.
JEFF: Ironically, we've got a big announcement of our own.
ME: You finally figured out the secret to Aunt Dana's peach cobbler?
JEFF: No, but if that hag knows what's good for her she'll give it up soon.
UNCLE WILL: Jeff--
JEFF: Oh, right. We're adopting!
Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer.
That night when I got home, Mom was sitting by the window watching the Model House.
ME: Mom, it's 2am.
MOM: They all went to bed except for the strange one.
ME: His name is Odd Guy, Mom.
MOM: There was a scandal earlier tonight. Roger told me about it.
ME: You've got him watching too?
MOM: Let me have some joy in life, will you?
I got out the cheese block.
ME: Thanks for telling Uncle Will and Jeff about the baby, by the way.
MOM: It just slipped out when they told me they were adopting.
ME: I don't know how this happened. My life has turned into thirtysomething--and I'm still only twentysomething.
MOM: You don't think your Uncle having a baby is a good idea?
ME: I don't think anybody in my life having a baby is a good idea. I don't think solving your problems by taking off to who knows where is a good idea. I don't think kissing strangers is a good idea. And I don't think spying on your neighbors is a good idea.
MOM: So say something about it.
ME: I just did. But I can't otherwise because then I'll be meddling and I'm not going to meddle.
MOM: Why not?
ME: Because I can't keep inserting myself into other people's business.
MOM: Great. Let me know when they make you a saint.
Mom got up and gave me a hug.
MOM: Make sure you turn the light off after you finish with your cheese.
ME: I will.
MOM: For what it's worth, I think it's nice that you try to help when you can.
ME: It's not always that selfless, Mom.
MOM: Maybe not, but at least your heart's in the right place.
She started to walk away, and then my curiosity got the best of me.
ME: Hey Mom?
MOM: Yeah?
ME: What was the scandal?
MOM: Oh...Saint Kevin wants to--
ME: Oh, just tell me, Joan Crawford.
My mother grinned like the Cheshire Cat. She lives for this stuff.
MOM: The Dumb Blonde and the Boy with the Weird Hair--
ME: Blondie and Punky.
MOM: Right. They were making out in the kitchen while the other two were out somewhere and Odd Guy caught them.
ME: Shut up!
MOM: I'm thinking of bringing over a cake tomorrow, but Rory says if I do that I'll contaminate the environment.
ME: What?
MOM: He says it's like National Geographic. If you stop the leopard from eating the lion cub, you've spoiled the whole thing.
She shrugged, patted my arm, and left. I looked out the window at Odd Guy in the living room watching television. I thought I could see a look on his face. That look you have when you're dealing with some you can't deal with because you're not supposed to be dealing with it in the first place.
Yeah, that sounds right.
I looked at him and thought, I know how you feel, Odd Guy. I know exactly how you feel. How do you not involve yourselves with other people's lives? Isn't that what being human is all about? Connecting with people? Becoming a part of their existence? How do you sit back and watch them do something you think will hurt them? How do you sit by and watch when they fall down--make mistakes...
Then I thought of my new niece or nephew. How I'll have to do exactly that. I'll have to let this baby make its own mistakes. Do its own thing. Lead its own life. And I realized...
I need to learn to get used to that.
Silence
More Silence
CARLY: So? What do you think?
ME: Um, I don't...hate it.
CARLY: Do you like the new slant?
ME: It sounds like a sluttier version of the dating blog.
CARLY: That's the point!
ME: I'm not sure I could find 100 boys I'd be interested in kissing.
CARLY: Don't worry. I'm giving you plenty of time to get it done. I figured we could unveil the winner at next June's pride.
ME: There's going to be a winner?
CARLY: Of course! Kevin, this is a competition. The person you feel is the best kisser wins the title and perhaps some sort of goodie bag, I'm still in negotiations with Coach and Banana.
ME: But Carly--
CARLY: We could even send you out to do press for it. Philadelphia, New York, Toronto, Minneapolis, Boise--
ME: Boise?
CARLY: You're huge in Idaho.
While Carly detailed the plans of my North American tour--at one point she suggested I open for the Twisted Sister reunion shows--I headed home for dinner.
When I got there, Rory was still sitting in front of the window staring at the Model House.
ME: Any new developments?
RORY: No, but I did figure out some of the relationships.
ME: Fine, it's been a long day. I'll bite. Who's dating who?
RORY: Blondie is with the Greek.
ME: That bitch.
RORY: And Smart Girl is dating Punky.
ME: So Odd Guy is single?
RORY: Does that surprise you?
ME: Poor bastard.
As I was sitting down to some lo mein, the phone rang. When I saw whose number it was on my caller ID, I nearly hit Reject. But, being the dutiful brother that I am, I picked up.
ME: Hi Harry, what's up?
Harry is my older half-brother. Before my Dad married my Mom, he was married to another woman and had a child--my brother Harry. They got divorced--it was particularly nasty. So much so that Harry's mom changed his last name. (Sometimes I'm a little bit envious of the fact that he got to rid himself of Broccoli.)
He appeared in my life when I was seven, but only for a brief moment when my Dad decided it was time to meet him. Apparently it took seven years for Harry's mother to cool off enough to let him meet his younger brother. By that point, however, Danny had already been born, and I felt a much greater kinship to the little newborn than to this eleven-year-old boy that my father told me was family.
I don't mention Harry when people ask me how many siblings I have. We barely saw each other over the years until he turned twenty, and started trying to become a part of my Dad's life again. It used to be a real sore spot between me and my father, since I always thought it was awful of him not to fight for joint custody of Harry, but Dad always acts as if that's something I don't need to know about.
Yeah, it's complicated.
But now Harry calls me once a week--usually to ask for something. It's not always money, sometimes it's just little favors here and there. I can't say he's grown up to be the most exemplary guy, which was why I was more than a little upset when he told me--
HARRY: You're going to be an uncle.
ME: Uncle who--wait, what?
I actually looked over at Rory to see if that was who he was talking about. Had Rory already gotten someone pregnant? I mean, I knew it was going to happen eventually but--
HARRY: Deena's pregnant.
Deena is Harry's incredibly sweet girlfriend. I instantly felt really sorry for her.
ME: Did you plan this?
HARRY: No, but we're both mad happy about it. I bought cigars and everything.
ME: Have you thought about other things you may need to buy--like a house?
HARRY: Haha, good one, Kev.
ME: How pregnant is Deena?
HARRY: Three months.
ME: Three months?! And you're just telling people now?
HARRY: No! I'm not telling people. I'm telling you. And you can't tell Dad. He'll flip.
ME: What do you plan on doing once she's born? Telling him you just like pushing around a carriage for fun?
Part of me wanted to scream at the top of my lungs--You cannot keep this baby! You will destroy it's life. You will create another messed up human being to walk the earth and mumble to themselves!
But then I remembered my resolution.
And instead I took another high road and said--
ME: Harry, I can't lie to Dad. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that.
HARRY: I'm not saying you have to say Deena's not pregnant. Just don't say anything at all.
ME: Harry--
HARRY: When do I ever ask you for anything?
ME: You asked me for twenty bucks last week.
HARRY: Anything important.
ME: I just don't--
Then I realized all the times Dad had slightly manipulated the truth where I was concerned--
DAD: I would have called you on your birthday, but I was on a secret government mission.
DAD: You'll die if a cat sneezes on you.
DAD: Your mother didn't just leave you here for the weekend; she moved to Beijing.
--And suddenly, I thought, What the hell?
ME: Fine. I won't say anything.
HARRY: You rock, Kev. You're going to make a great uncle.
ME: I'll start stocking up on nickels in my ear.
It's not that I wasn't thrilled to have a little niece or nephew on the way; it's just that it felt like it wasn't the real deal. Harry had been such a late addition to my life that everything about our relationship just felt fake.
Still, it gave me a legitimate reason to try contacting Nick. I had no intentions of meddling and telling him that he should have given me and his other friends more of a heads up before disappearing. All I was going to do was update him on my new gay uncle status and wish him luck on all his future endeavors.
But when I tried to send him an e-mail, I got the mailer demon back. He had deleted his e-mail address. Not only that, his myspace and facebook profiles were gone.
Now, I understand starting a new life, but who the hell gets rid of their facebook? That's like deleting your soul!
JOE: Maybe he wants a fresh start.
ME: If you want a fresh start, you get a new haircut. You don't erase yourself from the mainframe.
JOE: Kevin, all he did was delete an e-mail address and two online profiles. He didn't burn down his house and kill his family.
ME: We don't know that. I don't know anything his family or the possibly burned down house they live in.
JOE: You have no idea why he'd take off like this?
ME: Not a clue. Why would anyone take off like this? Have you ever done anything like that?
JOE: One time, I went to the mall and I didn't tell anyone.
ME: And that set off sirens all across Rhode Island I'm imagine.
JOE: Yeah...I had like...twelve text messages.
ME: And did you feel bad about making your friends worry?
JOE: Oh, nobody was worried. The text messages were about my new facebook photo. It was after I had let myself get a little scruffy. It was a big hit.
Wait a second--Text messages! Perfect. I sent Nick a text--no dice. When trying to phone him I discovered that the number had been disconnected.
What the hell was going on here?
Before I could think any more about it, my phone rang--it was Dad. I was determined to keep my promise and not spill Harry's secret until he was ready to tell our father.
ME: Hi Dad.
DAD: She's pregnant, isn't she?
F**k me.
ME: What? Who's pregnant?
DAD: Don't play dumb with me. The only person in this family that's a better liar than you is me, so talk.
ME: Dad, I can't do that.
DAD: Do I have to get your Uncle Vito and the backroom of a bar involved?
ME: Dad!
DAD: How could he be so irresponsible?
ME: Gee, I don't know. Maybe he learned from the best?
DAD: So that's an admission.
ME: An admission that Harry is irresponsible? Yes, I'll admit to that.
DAD: He comes over here asking if we have any of Annie's baby clothes still hanging around and he doesn't think I'll know what's going on. Asking for baby clothes. That moron.
ME: And what did he say he was asking for?
DAD: Said he wanted to give them to charity.
Bad lie. Really bad lie.
ME: Maybe he's taking on a more generous outlook towards life.
DAD: Or maybe he forgot to wrap it before he tapped it.
ME: Please never use that expression again.
DAD: I'm too friggin' young to be a grandfather!
ME: You were too young to be a father; that would just be the next step in the process--hypothetically speaking.
DAD: You should talk to him about this. Tell him to consider the options.
ME: No way, Dad. I've given up meddling with people. From now on I'm keeping my mouth shut.
DAD: Fine, but Kev, promise me one thing. Promise me you'll never get a girl pregnant until after you marry her.
ME: Gay gay gay, Dad. Remember? Interior design, Bravo, Cher--
DAD: Doesn't mean anything. Girls are tricky. They'll trick you.
ME: Yes, Dad, I'm sure Deana had to use a lot of smoke and mirrors to get Harry in bed.
DAD: Is that what you kids are into today? Smoke and mirrors?
ME: Get some sleep, Grandpa. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
I finished talking to Dad just as my Mom was coming into the kitchen.
MOM: Your father is going to be a Grandpa?
ME: Yes, Mom. Harry's having a baby.
MOM: Oh, thank you Lord, for making him old before me. The jokes shall be bountiful.
ME: Great. Now my biting wit is rubbing off on you.
That night I went out with Adam, Joe, and Beth. At the club, I had to put my new non-meddling skills to the test.
ADAM: That guy's hot.
No he's not. He's strung out on something--maybe lighter fluid.
ME: Mmm...
BETH: I think I'm going to take a cigarette break.
Don't do it! If your lungs were children, DCYF would have seized them already!
ME: Cool.
JOE: I have to use the men's room.
NO! GERMS! UGLY GUYS CHECKING OUT YOUR JUNK WHILE YOU PEE! GERMS!
ME: Okay.
This was going to be harder than I thought. At one point, a guy approached me.
GUY: Hey, you're Kevin, right?
ME: Um...yes.
GUY: I love your blog.
ME: Oh, thank you so much.
GUY: It's really clever.
ME: That's so nice of you to say.
I shot Adam the 'Ha Ha, I'm Famous' look, and he shot me the 'You're a Dorky Tool Who Writes About Biting Your Nails' look.
GUY: So, can I try?
ME: Try what?
GUY: The Kissing contest.
ME: You want to--I'm sorry, I'm very confused.
GUY: I get one try, right? One entry. I already have chapstick on. I think that might put me over the edge.
ME: Carly's idea? How did you hear about that?
GUY: I'm friends with her on Myspace and she posted a bulletin about it.
ME: Oh geez--
GUY: My friends tell me I'm an amazing kisser. I use a lot of lower lip.
ME: Well tempting as that sounds, I think I may have to--
GUY: Aw, c'mon--
And before I could say another word, I had been pulled in for the lip lock. It last about thirty seconds and wasn't altogether unenjoyable, although I was going to have to mention to Carly that I would not be kissing 99 more random strangers.
When the kiss was over, the guy shook my hand and said--
GUY: Trevor. The name's Trevor. Just so you have it right when you crown me winner. I'll message you my e-mail address.
ME: Um, thank you...Trevor. You may just win by default.
I looked over at Adam who was now giving me the--
ADAM: You're a skank.
Yeah, that look.
Across the club I spotted the guy Nick had been seeing for awhile. His name is Juan, and he's a local college student. I only met him a few times, but he seemed like a relatively nice guy. I figured if anyone knew where Nick was and what was going on with him, it would be Juan.
I made my way over, but before I could even get there, Juan spotted me and seemed to be searching for an escape route. Luckily, I moved too fast and before he could go anywhere I was standing right in front of him.
ME: Hey Juan.
JUAN: Hi--Kevin, right?
ME: Yeah, Nick's friend.
JUAN: Riiight.
I detected some hostility.
ME: Speaking of Nick, I got his message, but now there doesn't seem to be any way to contact him. His phone number--
JUAN: Yeah, he left my house the night before he sent that message out. We had a big fight and I told him I never wanted to see him again. Maybe that's why he spazzed.
ME: A fight? What was the--
JUAN: Really none of your business. Unless Nick wants to tell you, in which case--
ME: I would love for him to tell me, but he seems to have vanished into thin air.
JUAN: Don't be so dramatic. No wonder you two are friends. You have that in common.
With that, he walked away. There was a part of me that wanted to grab him by his little vanity "Push My Button" t-shirt and yank him back, but I thought better of it.
There was something about all this that was really unsettling to me.
Unfortunately, before I could think of what to do about it, the phone rang.
ME: Hi Uncle Will.
UNCLE WILL: Your Mom told us the good news.
JEFF: Congratulations Uncle Kevin!
This is why I don't talk to my mother. Harry's baby was probably going to be the headline of the New York Post tomorrow.
ME: Thank you for the well wishes, but keep it on the downlow.
UNCLE WILL: Aren't you excited?
ME: Well, it's Harry's kid.
JEFF: So what? He's going to let you see it, isn't he?
ME: See it? Are you kidding? He probably already has me booked to babysit the kid for the first six months until the kid learns to crawl, speak, and support itself financially.
UNCLE WILL: Just be supportive. This baby is going to need all the love it can get.
ME: I know, I know. I need to stop being so selfish and look on the bright side of things.
JEFF: Ironically, we've got a big announcement of our own.
ME: You finally figured out the secret to Aunt Dana's peach cobbler?
JEFF: No, but if that hag knows what's good for her she'll give it up soon.
UNCLE WILL: Jeff--
JEFF: Oh, right. We're adopting!
Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer.
That night when I got home, Mom was sitting by the window watching the Model House.
ME: Mom, it's 2am.
MOM: They all went to bed except for the strange one.
ME: His name is Odd Guy, Mom.
MOM: There was a scandal earlier tonight. Roger told me about it.
ME: You've got him watching too?
MOM: Let me have some joy in life, will you?
I got out the cheese block.
ME: Thanks for telling Uncle Will and Jeff about the baby, by the way.
MOM: It just slipped out when they told me they were adopting.
ME: I don't know how this happened. My life has turned into thirtysomething--and I'm still only twentysomething.
MOM: You don't think your Uncle having a baby is a good idea?
ME: I don't think anybody in my life having a baby is a good idea. I don't think solving your problems by taking off to who knows where is a good idea. I don't think kissing strangers is a good idea. And I don't think spying on your neighbors is a good idea.
MOM: So say something about it.
ME: I just did. But I can't otherwise because then I'll be meddling and I'm not going to meddle.
MOM: Why not?
ME: Because I can't keep inserting myself into other people's business.
MOM: Great. Let me know when they make you a saint.
Mom got up and gave me a hug.
MOM: Make sure you turn the light off after you finish with your cheese.
ME: I will.
MOM: For what it's worth, I think it's nice that you try to help when you can.
ME: It's not always that selfless, Mom.
MOM: Maybe not, but at least your heart's in the right place.
She started to walk away, and then my curiosity got the best of me.
ME: Hey Mom?
MOM: Yeah?
ME: What was the scandal?
MOM: Oh...Saint Kevin wants to--
ME: Oh, just tell me, Joan Crawford.
My mother grinned like the Cheshire Cat. She lives for this stuff.
MOM: The Dumb Blonde and the Boy with the Weird Hair--
ME: Blondie and Punky.
MOM: Right. They were making out in the kitchen while the other two were out somewhere and Odd Guy caught them.
ME: Shut up!
MOM: I'm thinking of bringing over a cake tomorrow, but Rory says if I do that I'll contaminate the environment.
ME: What?
MOM: He says it's like National Geographic. If you stop the leopard from eating the lion cub, you've spoiled the whole thing.
She shrugged, patted my arm, and left. I looked out the window at Odd Guy in the living room watching television. I thought I could see a look on his face. That look you have when you're dealing with some you can't deal with because you're not supposed to be dealing with it in the first place.
Yeah, that sounds right.
I looked at him and thought, I know how you feel, Odd Guy. I know exactly how you feel. How do you not involve yourselves with other people's lives? Isn't that what being human is all about? Connecting with people? Becoming a part of their existence? How do you sit back and watch them do something you think will hurt them? How do you sit by and watch when they fall down--make mistakes...
Then I thought of my new niece or nephew. How I'll have to do exactly that. I'll have to let this baby make its own mistakes. Do its own thing. Lead its own life. And I realized...
I need to learn to get used to that.
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