Thou Shalt Grant Freebies

I decided to hand out freebies.

This decision came after lunching with Dylan. The reason for the lunch was to discuss Nick's disappearance. Apparently Dylan knew something, but was only willing to share it in person. So, after some clam chowder and a grilled chicken salad, we got down to business.

Business being an admission.

DYLAN: Nick and I were sleeping together.
ME: What?

This was shocking on two levels. One, I was friends with Dylan and Nick and had no inclination that they would wind up in bed together (although with gay men, you never know). Secondly, Nick had been dating someone before he left.

ME: What about Juan?
DYLAN: Kevin, get real. Nick hated Juan. He only stayed with him because he didn't have the balls to break up with him.
ME: That doesn't sound like Nick.
DYLAN: Yeah, well, maybe you didn't know him as well as you think you did.
ME: Clearly. I would never have pegged him as a cheater.

Dylan shot me a look.

ME: That's what it was, Dylan. It was cheating. I can't believe--
DYLAN: Can't believe what? That Nick didn't tell you he and I were sleeping together? After the response you had just now can you blame him?
ME: So I'm supposed to say what? Good for you, Nick. Stay with someone you don't love and just fool around on the side.
DYLAN: It wasn't just about sex, you know. Nick and I really cared for each other.
ME: Is that why he kept you a secret?
DYLAN: It was only a secret from you, Kevin.
ME: Gee, is that why I wasn't invited to the adultery party?

I'll admit that I was in violation of my non-judging policy, but c'mon, how could you just take all this in stride?

DYLAN: You know, it's really funny. You want to know where Nick is, but the truth is, if the reason he left had anything to do with this or something that you wouldn't approve of, why would he tell you? You never let anyone get away with anything, Kevin. You always make everyone feel like they're such an awful person whenever they make any kind of mistake.

Was that true?

DYLAN: Look, if you think that Nick and I felt great about what we were doing, you're wrong. And he would have broken up with Juan, but...

He hesitated.

ME: But what?
DYLAN: You don't know what Juan was like, Kevin. Nick told me stories. He's... He's scary, Kev.
ME: Dylan, he's a 120lb drink. (Drink: Drunken Twink.)
DYLAN: I know that, but he threatened Nick a bunch of times.
ME: Threatened him how?
DYLAN: Saying if he ever left him Juan would have Dylan taken care of.
ME: By who? The gay mafia? He was going to have him dressed in something off-season and dumped in a Banana Republic?
DYLAN: I'm being serious. This whole Nick vanishing thing is really freaking me out. He wouldn't have just left without telling me.
ME: So you're thinking homo-cide?
DYLAN: I'm thinking that maybe something happened and he felt like he had to leave in a hurry and not leave any clues to where he was headed. Juan's into some messed up stuff.
ME: You mean he likes Georgia Rule?
DYLAN: I mean drugs.
ME: Oh--
DYLAN: Plus he's got a temper.
ME: So Nick--
DYLAN: I don't know, Kev. I just have a bad feeling.

This was starting to seem more serious than I originally thought.

It also got me thinking. Would Nick really not come to me if he were in trouble just because he was afraid I would think less of him for it? How many of my other friends feel the same way? Would they turn to me in a time of need?

I had to find a way to let people know it would be okay to let me know things. That I wouldn't get upset or tsk tsk them. Even though everyone knows that I'm following new rules, I haven't made any kind of retroactive policy so that if there's something people started keeping from me before I started the blog, they'd know they could tell me now and I wouldn't be mad.

That's when I got my idea.

I would give everyone a freebie. They could tell me whatever it is that they've been hiding from me and I would simply listen and then tell them it was no big deal.

Genius, right?

ADAM: That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard.

Okay, maybe "genius" was too strong a word...

ME: Why isn't it a good idea?
ADAM: Because you're never going to be able to follow through with that. You can't say you won't get mad about something if you don't even know what it is.
ME: Yes, I can. I can control my emotions, Adam.
ADAM: Fine, so can I use my freebie now?
ME: You don't want to wait until a time when--
ADAM: No, I have a good one now.
ME: Um...okay. Go ahead.
ADAM: And you're not going to get mad?
ME: No.
ADAM: You sure?
ME: Adam--
ADAM: Remember that play you were in that I went to go see? The one in Woonsocket?
ME: Yeah.
ADAM: I never saw it.
ME: Yes, you did. I hung out with you after the show.
ADAM: I went to a movie and then showed up at ten thirty when I knew the show would be done.
ME: Are you kidding?
ADAM: Nope.
ME: Oh.
ADAM: I didn't really want to see the show. It looked really bad.
ME: It was bad, but I was--Uh...never mind. Okay. That's your freebie.
ADAM: Wow, I feel a lot better now.
ME: Great. That's the goal. For you to feel better--

--You mean little oompah loompah.

ME: --About talking to me.
ADAM: Oh, so can I tell you? I was talking to a hot guy the other night at the club and this old looking troll interrupts me and starts hitting on him! The gaul!

Now that I had undergone one freebie, I was sure it would only get easier, because let's face it, I'm that naive.

That morning at breakfast, I explained my new policy to my family, even though I was fairly certain there wouldn't be anything anyone would actually need to confess.

MOM: I used to purposefully avoid giving you phone messages.
ME: What?
MOM: When you were in high school. I didn't always give you messages.
ME: Why not?
MOM: It's complicated.

We were all sitting around the dining room table. Rory was eating his usual breakfast of cold pizza and cheesy bread. Danny was having oatmeal. Roger was eating a bagel, and my Mom was scooping scrambled eggs onto my plate as she admitted to her deception.

ME: Try explaining.
MOM: Well, if it was a message from a boy who sounded a little...you know...
ME: Southern? Welsh? Sounded what?
MOM: Uh, like you...Then I wouldn't give you the message.
ME: And the point of that was?
MOM: I guess it was my way of delaying your...lifestyle.
RORY: She was trying to c**kblock you.
MOM: Rory!
RORY: What? It's a technical term.
DANNY: I keep telling all of you that an exorcism would make a world of difference in him.

This was insane. My own mother. And the worst part is, I didn't even know any gay people in high school!

ME: Who exactly did you stop giving me messages from?
MOM: Trevor.
ME: Mom, Trevor's not gay.
MOM: He seemed the closest thing to one.
ME: This is nuts.
RORY: Trevor's not gay?
ME: You don't even know Trevor.
RORY: He's a redhead, right? All redheads are gay.
ME: That makes no sense.
DANNY: Leave him alone. It's the schizophrenia talking.
ME: And the fact that you kept this secret all these--

Roger cleared his throat.

ROGER: Kevin, you promised you wouldn't get upset. Wasn't that the point of this whole freebie thing? So that you could give people a waiver on things they might be feeling guilty about but were afraid to tell you?

Leave it to Roger to ruin my fury.

ME: Thank you, Roger. You're right. I shouldn't be upset. I should be grateful. Mom, I'm grateful to you for being honest with me.
MOM: Your welcome. And we only get one of those freebies, right?
ME: Why? Why would you need another?

My Mom's eyes got wide. The phone rang.

MOM: I'll get it.

I'll get you next time, Mother. Next time.

RORY: Hey Kev, can I use mine?
ME: You did something you didn't tell me about?
RORY: Danny and I did it.
DANNY: Rory, be quiet.
ME: Danny, you were in on this?
RORY: So was Dad.
ME: Roger?!
ROGER: Rory, eat your pizza before it gets cold...er.
ME: No, I want to hear this.
DANNY: I don't need it as a freebie. I already confessed to it.
ME: To who?
DANNY: God.
ME: That doesn't count. Spill it, Rory.
RORY: The three of us were playing football downstairs--
ME: Oh no--
RORY: And we were the ones who broke your Lord Skeletor collectible figurine.
ME: That thing was worth a fortune!
ROGER: Kevin, it was a giant He-Man action figure.
ME: A nostalgiac fortune!
RORY: You can't get upset. Remember?
ME: Fine, but I never said anything about karma. If I were the three of you, I'd watch out for my rosary beads, briefcase, and...and...Rory, I doubt you own anything of value but one day you will and then watch out!

I got up to go outside when I noticed the Greek from the Model House sitting on the roof drinking from a bottle.

ME: Is he drinking?
RORY: Yup.
ME: It's not even noon yet.
DANNY: He's been doing that lately. We think he's an alcoholic.
ME: And he's going up on the roof to hide his addiction?
RORY: No, he drinks in front of everyone else in the house. I think he's just enjoying the weather.
ME: And nobody says anything to him? Blondie, Punky, Odd Guy--
ROGER: They must be turning the other cheek.

And there it was. My proof across the street. The evidence proving how important it is to let your friends and family know they can tell you anything.

Just then Mom came out of the kitchen.

MOM: Kev, Grandma's on the phone. She says she took a movie out of your room last year to see what it was about and then forgot to give it back.
ME: What?
MOM: But she says it wasn't really appropriate for you to be watching anyway.
ME: That's what happened to Latter Days!

Even though it seemed like the freebie policy was causing me some strife, I tried to look at the positive side of things. I now know why I always perceived Trevor to be bad at calling people back in high school. The cat was no longer going to get blamed for the shattered Skeletor. And I was now going to get my favorite gay tragedy involving Mormons (best sex scene ever) back. So the day wasn't turning out so badly after all.

Plus, people were now being honest with me.

BETH: I slept with Carlos.
ME: What?
BETH: That'll be my freebie.
ME: I thought Carlos was gay?
BETH: So did I, but apparently he's bisexual.
ME: Beth, what do we say about bisexuals?
BOTH OF US: Bi now, gay later.
BETH: I didn't mean for it to happen.
ME: When did it happen?
BETH: When I first got hired. I think that's always why he's so catty to me. Because I never returned his calls.
ME: Because you realized it was a mistake to sleep with your bisexual-but-more-likely-gay boss?
BETH: That and I hate his voicemail--it's this old Liza Minelli song that--
ME: Gotcha. So there's your freebie.
BETH: Wow, I'm glad I can finally talk to you about this.
ME: That's the point, Beth.
BETH: You should have seen him in bed. I mean, granted we were both drunk, and I think he might have put on Rufus Wainwright, but the way he--
ME: Got to go, I'm at work. Call you later.

Hey, I said I wasn't going to judge--that includes proceeding over the trial.

When I arrived at work, I explained to the ladies my new policy. I practically had to hose them down to keep them from getting too excited about telling me their secrets.

ME: Let's go in order. Martha?
MARTHA: When I wouldn't let you have that day off because I had a doctor's appointment, I really just sat in my living room all day and took in a Matlock marathon.
ME: Great. I'm calling my cousin later so you can explain to her why I missed her wedding. Daisy?
DAISY: I drink your chocolate milk when you bring it in.

Good to know my confrontation with Edie the 74-year-old library aide was merited.

ME: And Millie?
MILLIE: The first year you were hired I encouraged Martha to fire you because I thought you were a floozy.
ME: And now you don't feel that way anymore?
MILLIE: No, now I've just learned to be entertained by it.

Before I had time to absolve them of their apparently heart-wrenching guilt, Library Boy popped up at the desk with books on slam poetry.

LIBRARY BOY: Hey, how's it going?
ME: Good thanks. I didn't know you were into slamming.
LIBRARY BOY: Yeah, it's kind of my thing.
ME: Oh, cool. My friend Trevor is actually amazing at it.
LIBRARY BOY: I've seen Trevor before! Why doesn't he do more poems about being gay?
ME: Because he's not.
LIBRARY BOY: Oh...Awkward.
ME: No, it's fine. Some people have thought that in the past. He's also not bad at returning messages, just so you know.
LIBRARY BOY: Glad I found that out. You should come see me perform sometime.

I can't. I would rush the stage and make sweet love to you on what I imagine would be a very non-sterile stage.

ME: I'd love to.

This was awesome. I'd always dreamed of meeting a really hot poet at the library and becoming his life partner after seeing him perform. I couldn't wait to tell someone about it.

JOEY: So you're going to his show?
ME: Yes, and I'm going to need back-up. A united front.
JOEY: I'm in.
ME: Great.
JOEY: Oh, and Adam told me about the freebies...
ME: Yeah, I was going to mention that. If you--
JOEY: I got one.
ME: You know, I keep waiting for someone to say they don't have anything to confess to me.
JOEY: It doesn't really involve you, but it is something I've been wanting to tell you, but couldn't.
ME: Joey, what is it?
JOEY: Kevin, my....my glasses are fake.
ME: Huh?
JOEY: The glasses I wear aren't real. I only wear them because I like how they look.
ME: So...you don't need them.
JOEY: In a way I do. I need them to fulfill my stylistic potential.
ME: But for seeing--
JOEY: No, not at all. The glass in them is clear.

I laughed for about a minute.

ME: And you didn't tell me about this because--
JOEY: I didn't want you to laugh at me.
ME: Oh...sorry.

The one person I knew wouldn't have any confessions for me was Dad. Everything bad he's ever done to me has been well-documented. He may not have been Father-of-the-Year, but he was always very honest about his screw-ups.

DAD: Sorry about this weekend, J.R. The Pats are on, and I need to focus all my energy on them right now. I hope this teaches you something about priorities.

DAD: If I buy you twelve Goosebumps books, will you agree to stay with your Grandma tonight and tell your Mom you were with me instead. Daddy's got a big date with your old third grade teacher.

DAD: It's your birthday?

All of us were still getting used to having dinner as a family, and by "all of us," I mean myself, my Dad, my stepmom Stacey, my little sister Annie, my older brother Harry, and the mother of his child Deana. Normally Harry and Dad weren't used to spending quality time together, so things were quieter than usual as they tried to converse.

DAD: You going back to school?
HARRY: No.
DAD: You getting a better job?
HARRY: No.
STACEY: Do you like the rigatoni?
HARRY: It's great.

I decided to jump in and let everyone about the freebies.

HARRY: Oh man, that's awesome.
ME: Thanks Harry. I appreciate that you--
HARRY: Deana, we can use what we talked about before as our freebie.
DEANA: Harry, sweetie, maybe we should--
ME: What were you talking about before?
ANNIE: Brother, you're going to give out frisbies?
ME: No, freebies, Annie.
STACEY: J.R.'s practicing forgiveness, honey.
HARRY: See? Forgiveness.
DEANA: Harry, please--he'll get mad.
DAD: Nobody's getting mad. Let's just eat our rigatoni.
ME: I won't get mad.
DAD: I know you. Whatever Harry has to say is going to make you mad.
ME: Then you really don't know me, because when I say I'm giving someone a freebie, I mean it. Now, Harry, what do you want to say?
HARRY: We picked someone else to be the baby's godfather.

Silence.

ME: One second.

I went into the bathroom and screamed at the top of my lungs, then came back out, and sat down at the table.

ME: May I ask why?
HARRY: Well, Kev, it's a religious thing. You're not all that religious, and Deana's friend Rocco is.
ME: Rocco? My nephew's godson is going to be someone named Rocco?
DEANA: He's a great guy.
ME: And he's your friend?
DEANA: Yeah, we used to work at Express Men's together.
ME: Wait a second, is he gay?
DAD: Oh Jesus...
DEANA: Well, yeah. He's like...my Will.

Gag me. Gag me. Gag me.

ME: So I can't be the godfather because I'm not religious enough, but Rocco can?
HARRY: You can be gay and be religious. You're just not.
DAD: Look, neither one of them is going to be the godfather. I'm going to be the godfather.
STACEY: Kev, you can't. You're his grandfather.
DAD: Well, it's that or the kid's spiritual guide is going to be guiding him to a Fruit Festival.

This caused an uproar. Deana was upset over Dad calling Rocco a fruit. I was upset about that and Rocco. Harry was upset that Dad was even butting in, and Stacey was upset because the rigatoni dinner was ruined. The only one laughing was Annie (We've taught her to laugh at yelling, since it's the only way to make sure she's not scarred for life by our family dynamics).

CARLY: I keep telling you to distance yourself from your family. All great celebrities do it.
ME: I've thought about it, but what if I ever need a blood transfusion?
CARLY: Never mind. Have you talked to Derek recently?

Derek is a friend of Carly's who I agreed to go out on a date with--unfortunately the date got too serious, too fast, and I wound up giving him a freebie of his own.

CARLY: You should call him. He says he wants to hang out again.
ME: Then why isn't he calling me?
CARLY: Kevin, Derek is a catch. Catches don't call. They're chased.
ME: Yeah, well I'm not chasing anybody.
CARLY: I'm not saying you wouldn't catch him. You already caught him.
ME: Can we stop using this metaphor? It sounds like we're talking about gnono.
CARLY: I say you give him a real chance. It's not his fault you jumped his bones.
ME: I did not--
CARLY: Oh, and by the way, I put out the word about the kissing contest on facebook.

The Kissing Contest was Carly's idea to spice up the blog. It involves me kissing 100 guys. I've already kissed two, and I was determined not to kiss anymore...Well, none for the purpose of the contest anyway.

ME: Carly, how many times have I--
CARLY: Make that my freebie. Love ya lots. Gotta go. Manicure beckons.

Despite the fact that I disagree with Carly on almost everything when it comes to relationships, I did think she might be onto something in terms of Derek. Maybe we did deserve a real shot. So I called him and set up a date at a restaurant. I figured that would be safe since they don't use tablecloths, so there wouldn't be so much as a game of footsie as far as affection was concerned.

DEREK: So you finally came around, huh?
ME: Excuse me?
DEREK: I knew you'd break down and call.
ME: Derek, I wouldn't have called, but Carly told me how you wanted me to chase you.
DEREK: What?
ME: You know, you...um...

From the look on his face, it was clear.

ME: You never said any of that, huh?
DEREK: Nope.
ME: I'm going to kill her. Freebies be damned.
DEREK: No, but, I'm glad you called. I really thought you were sweet, and very cute. I'd like to get to know you better.
ME: I'm glad. I feel the same way.
DEREK: So why don't we go back to my place, put on a movie, and talk, huh?
ME: I'm afraid that might lead to more than talking.
DEREK: Isn't that the point?
ME: What?
DEREK: Kevin, I think the best way to get to know someone is to explore them sexually and then learn the rest as you go along.
ME: Is this Candid Camera? Are you somehow related to Art Linklater?
DEREK: Look, if two people click sexually the rest is all gravy.
ME: It is not! It is most certainly not gravy. Ugh, I can't believe I did this. I gave another chance to a sexmaniac!
DEREK: Do you like that I'm a sex maniac?
ME: Excuse me?
DEREK: What are you into?
ME: I'm into getting the check and getting the hell out of here.
DEREK: I like hairy legs--like yours.
ME: And we're done!

I knew it was a good idea to schedule the dinner early in the night. Since it turned out to be a bust, I had plenty of time to go home and change before Library Boy's poetry reading.

UNCLE WILL: Forget Library Boy. You just bailed on the Marco Polo of sex!
JEFF: He sounds like a manwhore, Kevin. Avoid him.
ME: Thank you, Jeff.
UNCLE WILL: He sounds like me, Jeffrey. I recall having a very frank sexual conversation with you when we first met.
JEFF: I knew you were all talk.
UNCLE WILL: Is that why you fooled around with me in the bathroom that night?
ME: Okay! Me! Here! On the line!
UNCLE WILL: By the way, we know you've been hearing admissions lately.
ME: God help us.
JEFF: Kevin, we feel awful.
ME: Here it comes.
UNCLE WILL: The last time you stayed with us...
JEFF: The boy we fixed you up with--
ME: The British guy?
UNCLE WILL: The gigolo.
ME: No, the British guy.
JEFF: Kevin, he was a gigolo.
ME: Uh...what?
JEFF: We didn't know.
UNCLE WILL: We found out later that he--
JEFF: He accepts money...for things.
UNCLE WILL: Dirty things.
ME: Are you kidding me? I was on a date with a gigolo? A male prostitute? A...a...
JEFF: Street walking homo-hussie?

Silence.

JEFF: Just trying to help.
UNCLE WILL: At least you didn't sleep with him.
ME: F**k me.
UNCLE WILL: Never mind.

That night it took all I had not to break my resolution and suck back coffee like there was no tomorrow. Adam, Joey, and Beth were all there as my united front. Library Boy was first up on the roster, which was good since I had promised the U.F. that they wouldn't have to stay past 9pm.

ADAM: It's bad enough I missed Ugly Betty for this.
JOEY: Is anyone going to read Shel Silverstein?
BETH: Oh God, Carlos is sending me picture messages again.
ME: Of what?
BETH: It's either his elbow or--
ADAM, JOEY, ME: Jesus!/That was wrong./Eww...
BETH: That was accompanied by a text message where he reminds me to pick up his drycleaning.
ME: It's good you're able to achieve such a balance in your life, Beth.

Then, we heard hooting and clapping, and I realized it was because Library Boy was ascending the stage.

ME: It's him! It's him!
BETH: Oh my God, you're a groupie.
JOEY: When do they slam him?
ADAM: Joey, shouldn't you be wearing your glasses?
JOEY: No, it's okay. I'm...near-sighted.
ADAM: But we're--
ME: Let it go, Adam.

Library Boy did his poem, and...it was bad. Really bad. He's a really bad poet. We were all cringing right up until the last moment.

ADAM: Are you going to tell him how awful he was?
ME: No, I'm going to...
JOEY: What? You can't lie. You're all about honesty now, remember?
ME: Fine, then that leaves one option.
BETH: Run out the back door before he sees you.
ME: Everybody cover me.

On my way home, I got a phone call from an unmarked number. I hit Reject. Immediately I got another call; this time from Deana.

ME: Hey D.
DEANA: Hey JR.
ME: Did you just call me from an blocked number?
DEANA: No, why?
ME: Never mind. Probably just a wrong number.
DEANA: JR, I wanted to ask if you'd be the baby's godfather.
ME: But your friend Rocco--
DEANA: The only reason I asked Rocco is because... Well, I don't really have a family. It was just me and my Mom for the longest time and now we don't even talk anymore. Rocco's really all I have. It feels like Harry's giving the baby this great family, and I can't do that. So I just wanted to be able to offer something. It really didn't have anything to do with you being religious. I don't even think Rocco knows the people in the Holy Trinity.
ME: Snap, Crackle, and Pop?
DEANA: Right. I told Harry to use that as an excuse, becasue I didn't want you hating me.
ME: Deana, I could never hate you. And I think your reasoning makes perfect sense. But just know that you're going to be giving this baby so much; you don't have to worry about the family part, because you're a part of the family now, too. We're all in this together. And you know what? I think Rocco should be the godfather. I mean, I'm going to be the gay uncle, that's good enough.
DEANA: JR--
ME: I'm serious.
DEANA: I appreciate it. It's a lovely gesture.
ME: Well, that'll your be your freebie, I guess--or the baby's, depending on how you look at it.

When I got home, Greek was sitting out on the roof again, except this time Blondie was with him. Rory and Danny were on the couch watching the whole thing unfold.

DANNY: I think she finally got up the nerve to talk to him about his problem.
ME: How's it going?
RORY: So far so good.
ME: It takes a lot of guts to do what she's doing right now.
RORY: Whoa! I'll say.

It was then that I realized Blondie and the Greek were kissing.

DANNY: They're sharing a tender embrace. There's nothing wrong with--Oh no!

They were now on top of each other. Blondie was ripping his shirt off.

ME: Go to bed, you two.
RORY: Screw that! This is better than the staticy channel we get for free when Danny's in his closet.
DANNY: Is that why you always beg me to stand in there for an hour?

The Greek was kissing Blondie's stomach, her chest, her--

MOM: What are you boys doing up?

We all turned around quickly.

RORY: Science project.
ME: I was helping.
DANNY: Me, too.
MOM: What's the project on?
RORY, DANNY, ME: Biology/Reproduction/Giant whales.

It wasn't until Mom closed the curtains and sent us all away that I realized the blocked number had left me a message. As soon as I heard the voice I knew I was in trouble.

VOICEMAIL: Hello Kevin, this is Juan. Listen to me very carefully. Stop bugging people about Nick. Enough is enough. If you don't back off, I'm going to back you off myself. Do you understand me?

Oh, I understood. I understood that I had let Nick down. He was dating a psychopath and couldn't tell me. Well, maybe it was never going to be exactly easy to tell me or anyone the truth, but at least I knew that from this point on, there weren't going to be any secrets.

Haha...there's that naivete again.