Thou Shalt Abandon the Crutch of Caffeine

On Monday, I gave up caffeine.

Although I have yet to get the nails fully under control, the train has to keep rolling one way or another, and caffeine was next up on my list of things to go.

ADAM: Why do you keep making your life suck more than it already does?

Always count on Adam to turn a phrase.

ME: I just don't like the fact that without at least two cups of coffee every day I can't function until 4pm.
ADAM: That just makes you normal, which means you should cling to it for dear life.
ME: Some people jog in the morning. They make breakfast. They're coherent at 9am. I want to be one of those people.
ADAM: Those people are called freaks. You're not taking into consideration the fact that you're a night owl.
ME: I have taken that into consideration actually. I'm thinking of scaling back my late hours.
ADAM: You mean you'll be in bed before 3am?
ME: Probably before 1am even.
ADAM: Great. We'll never speak again.

I should probably mention that this conversation took place at 12:36 am. That meant I had to be getting to bed soon...but first I needed to get caught up on Weeds...then read some Cormac McCarthy...then...oh damn...

Cut to me waking up at 6am after going to bed at 4am.

ME: I don't care. I will not drink coffee. I don't need coffee.

I decided to go for a jog. The thing is...jogging is pretty boring with nobody to talk to. So I decided to bring my friend Beth along.

Beth is incredibly energetic, so I figured she'd be ideal to take along for a brisk morning jog. She's like an old Hollywood agent, a real pro at a lot of things. She's also a great support system and hearing her laugh tends to make my day. Of course, I didn't count on the fact that I've never actually seen or talked to Beth before 2pm.

BETH: Hello?
ME: Beth, it's me.
BETH: Oh my God...the brightness.
ME: Relax. It's just morning.
BETH: What--is that the taste in my mouth? Is that morning? Am I tasting morning?
ME: It's 6:30.
BETH: AM?
ME: Yeah.
BETH: Jesus Christ, I need a cigarette.

Click. Silence.

ME: Hello?

Well, there goes that.

Instead of a jog, I decided to make myself a healthy breakfast. Unfortunately I couldn't find anything in the house that didn't have the word "processed" in front of it. My mother walked into the kitchen as I was trying to decide whether or not frosted flakes could be considered part of a vitamin-rich morning meal.

MOM: Uh...
ME: Good morning.
MOM: Are you sleepwalking?
ME: Yes, Mom. I make pancakes in my sleep.
MOM: It's not even noon yet.
ME: I know. I'm trying to be more of a morning person.
MOM: So you're going to need coffee?
ME: I gave up coffee.
MOM: What about men?
ME: They'll be the next to go.
MOM: Good. They're all scum.
ME: Mom, you're married.
MOM: So then I don't have to say 'Ask a woman who knows.'

My phone rang. It was my Dad. I had phoned him earlier to say something like--

'Happy Morning, Dad! Um...I'm awake...This is awkward.'

DAD: Are you on drugs?
MOM: Whose that?
ME: Dad.
MOM: Is he one of the men you're giving up?
DAD: Why are you up so early?
ME: I decided to see a new world.
DAD: You sound like a chain letter.
MOM: Tell him you've given up coffee. He could never do that.
DAD: What's she saying I could never do?
ME: She's saying you could never give up coffee like I have.
MOM: That isn't all he could never do...
ME: Okay, you can curb that right there, Aunt Sassy.

I had tried to make my pancakes look like Mickey Mouse, but instead they had gelled together and now they looked like a cross between Mickey Mouse and the Elephant Man.

ME: Damn, I just screwed up Mickey.
DAD: Whose Mickey? Are you seeing a guy named Mickey?
MOM: It's not that bad. Mickey just looks like he has a brain tumor.
DAD: Why are you giving up all this stuff? Are you trying to tell us something? Is this a cry for help? Are you going to commit suicide because you're gay?
ME: Yes, Dad. I can't take living in a world without Judy anymore.
DAD: Judge Judy? She's on at four every day!
MOM: You know, this boy on Lifetime committed suicide right after he came out of the closet.
ME: First off, that boy was Chad Lowe, and he wasn't real. Secondly, would everyone please stop talking about suicide?
MOM: Sorry, I was trying to plant a seed in your father's head.
DAD: What did Cruella just say?
ME: It's too early in the morning for this.

So I went into work a little bit early. There I was greeted by Miss Julia.

ME: Ahhhhh!

I should probably mention that Miss Julia was a ferret running around behind the circulation desk.

ME: What the hell is that?
DAISY: Martha turned Millie into a ferret...because she's a witch? Get it?

Giggle giggle.

MARTHA: Keep telling that joke. It never gets old.
ME: Where is Millie?
MARTHA: Downstairs getting coffee.
ME: Oh God, there's coffee.

I could already smell it. It smelled like a beckoning cabana boy and strawberry cheesecake all at once...Must be a new blend.

Meanwhile, the ferret was playing with what I believed to be the New Book stamp.

ME: Once again, what the hell is that?
DAISY: It belongs to my grandson. I'm taking care of it while he's in school. I thought we could make it the library pet.
ME: Daisy, every time a rodent comes near me, I have to shower for four hours with brilo pads. Could you please put it in your car or something?
DAISY: In this heat?
ME: Okay, I realize that's inhumane.
DAISY: You're not kidding! I'd have to ride home with the car smelling like ferret!

Millie arrived from the staff room with two mugs of coffee.

MILLIE: I heard you come in, so I got your coffee.
ME: I can't drink it, Millie. I've given it up.
MARTHA: What are you a Jehovah witness now?
ME: No, Martha, I think even they can drink coffee.
MILLIE: Guess I'll have to drink both cups. I even made it with half a hot chocolate mix like you like it.

I call it "Wake Me Up, Chocolate!" ...Clearly, I'm incredibly lame.

Miss Julia (I would find out her name later after Daisy made her an ID card and put it around her neck) started rubbing up against my legs. I jumped onto the Circulation desk and shrieked.

DAISY: Don't be a baby. It's just furry and friendly.
MARTHA: You work with Daisy all the time, you should be used to it.
DAISY: Martha, don't be jealous just because the ferret gets played with more than you do...

Millie noticed that I was slowly sliding down onto the Circulation desk into a lying down position.

MILLIE: Are you okay?
ME: Yeah, I'm just a little tired.
DAISY: Drink the coffee.
ME: No.
MARTHA: Kevin, you can't be asleep at work.
ME: I work at a library. Who would notice?
MARTHA: I can't argue with that.
DAISY: I think I might be asleep now!

Giggle giggle.

Throughout the day I escaped into the stacks to take cat naps. Do you have any idea what it's like falling asleep in the Dean Koontz section? I kept having dreams that I was a monk who could see Elvis.

After work, I called my Uncle Will to see if there was any other healthier supplement for coffee.

UNCLE WILL: Um, cocaine?
ME: Now how did I not think of that?

My Uncle Will and his partner Jeff live in Boston. I used to live with Uncle Will back when I first got out of college. He and I aren't that far apart in age, so we've always been more friends than anything else. He and Jeff are the only stable gay couple I know.

JEFF: Did your Uncle Will tell you I'm moving out?
UNCLE WILL: And the Oscar goes to--

...Of course, I'm constantly redefining the word 'stable' in my head.

JEFF: I am not a drama queen! You need to quit, Will!
ME: Quit what?
JEFF: Take an example from your nephew.
UNCLE WILL: It's not the same. You can't make money by drinking coffee.
ME: No, but it might cost me money when I lose my job for falling asleep onto a date due slip. What's going on?
JEFF: Your uncle has a problem with gambling.
UNCLE WILL: I do not.
JEFF: He's bet on everything from ponies to football.
ME: That's just insane. He's gay. He knows nothing about football. Ponies on the other hand--
JEFF: Ha ha, laugh it up.
ME: ...Are they pretty ponies?
UNCLE WILL: I happen to know a lot about football. I even dated a New England Patriot once.
ME: My Little Ponies?
JEFF: I'm serious, Kevin. Addiction runs in your family. Good luck trying to break the cycle. I have some great books on the subject if you want me to mail them to you.
UNCLE WILL: You mean like, My Gambler, My Lover?
JEFF: And the autobiography of Gladys Knight!

Wow, was what Jeff said really true? Does addiction run in my family?

ADAM: Everyone has some kind of addiction.
ME: What are you addicted to?
ADAM: Fierce singing black bitches and lean cuisine.
ME: I feel like it's okay to be addicted to....Well, at least one of those things.
ADAM: What I'm trying to say is everyone needs something to get them through the day. If biting your nails and sucking back some java is what it takes to keep you from realizing your life is kind of pathetic, then why take that away from yourself?
ME: Aw, you're so caring.
ADAM: So guess what happened to me today--
ME: And there's another call I have to take. Voicemail me your story.

I switched over.

BETH: I had a dream you called me this morning.
ME: I did.
BETH: Hahahaha!
ME: Beth, I wanted you to come jogging with me.
BETH: HAHAHAahahaha!
ME: I'm serious. I wanted to take up jogging now that I'm up in the morning since I've given up coffee, biting my nails, and staying up until all hours of the night.

Silence.

BETH: Honey, did they put you in rehab? Because I can come bust you out--or smuggle you in cigarettes...if you give me money.

I was still so tired that I almost thought of cancelling my date with this guy Nathan, but then decided to go since...Well, since I had nothing else to do.

Of course, what did he feel like doing?

NATHAN: Let's just get coffee.

F**k me sideways.

NATHAN: So you've given up coffee?
ME: Yup.
NATHAN: How's that going for you?
ME: I feel like lighting someone on fire and then falling asleep.
NATHAN: Well do you have anything else to fall back on in terms of vices?
ME: Like?
NATHAN: Do you drink?
ME: No.
NATHAN: Smoke.
ME: Nope.
NATHAN: Sex?
ME: Not nearly enough.

We continued to converse but after a half an hour I called it quits when I realized that when I become as tired as I was, I say things like:

ME: You know who's actually still sort of attractive? Corey Haim.

--And--

ME: Why doesn't Anderson Cooper just come out of the closet?

--Plus my favorite--

ME: As a kid, I was really scared of the Fanny the Flame video.

And we're done.

Once again I trudged home feeling worse than before the new resolution was made. I thought the point of this blog was to make me feel better about my life. Instead having all these distractions taken away was just making me deal with stuff I really didn't want to deal with--so why was I doing it?

My brother Danny asked the same thing. Danny is one of the coolest 16-year-old's on the planet. He's got an amazing heart; he's very kind and a great little brother. He's also obsessed with religion. He's convinced that he has a higher calling in life, and plans on traveling to Tibet as soon as possible, because...Well, I guess that's where people with higher callings go. He even has a t-shirt that says "Ask Me About Jesus." I keep telling him Jesus never went to Tibet, but he doesn't listen.

When he saw me fall down on the couch in the living room and attempt to pass out, he asked--

DANNY: Kevin, why don't you let the Lord give you strength?

I ignored that. I'll take strength wherever I can get it, but at the moment it didn't seem to be coming from anywhere--let alone the Lord. Then he asked--

DANNY: Why is this so important to you?

I got up. I went to the bookshelf where I keep my ridiculously large collection of books--considering I work in a library--and I took one down. I opened it up to the page I knew what I wanted was on, and I handed him the book.

It was the last page of the first part of To Kill a Mockingbird when Atticus tells the kids about the old woman dying after she finally loses her battle with mortality while winning her battle with morphine. Danny read about Atticus, the best father in all of literature, telling his kids that even though it's okay to take whatever you need to take to make life easy, she wanted to die "beholden to nothing and nobody."

I lay on the couch looking up at the ceiling wanting to bite my nails and make a "Wake Me Up, Chocolate" but I didn't move. I let my exhaustion force me to stay where I was--to keep me in the moment of wanting something but not giving into it. Then I turned my head and looked at Danny.

ME: I want to be beholden to nothing and nobody.
DANNY: Amen, big brother.
ME: Oh Christ...

And that was the last thing I remember saying before the blissful sleep took me over while feeling unsatisfied, but proud.