Thou Shalt Not Spend Money

HOROSCOPE: Watch your finances today. Avoid spending if you can help it.

Can't I just say 'The Boy Can't Help It' and leave it at that?

ADAM: There is no way you can do a day without spending money frivolously.
ME: Sure I can! I didn't buy anything unnecessary yesterday.
ADAM: Didn't you buy a journal for eight dollars?
ME: It was green and pretty...
ADAM: You already have a journal.
ME: It's blue and filled with the ramblings of a whiny gay.
ADAM: Here's an entry for your new pretty journal--Today I went against my horoscope and--
ME: No chance. Today my wallet is going into lockdown mode.
ADAM: Sounds like my love life.

Everything started off well. I avoided getting my usual morning treat of two chocolate frosted donuts and an iced tea. Instead, I drank water at work.

Then, I ran into a snag.

RORY: Kevin, can you pick me up something at the bookstore?
ME: No.
RORY: Why not?
ME: If I go to the bookstore I'll spend money.
RORY: On what?
ME: Brazilian whores.
RORY: They those at Barnes and Noble?
ME: On books, Rose! I'll spend money on books. Do I have to get the cheesecake now?
RORY: But you work at a library.
ME: It doesn't matter. I buy books compulsively and I can't take the chance of going to the bookstore and seeing something I want.
RORY: So now I'm not going to do my summer reading and fail school!
ME: You don't want a summer reading book. You want the soundtrack to Camp Rock.
RORY: I--That's--Shut up!

Disaster averted.

BETH: How do you define frivolous?
ME: Unnecessary.
BETH: Would that include cigarettes?
ME: Considering I don't smoke, yes.
BETH: But I mean, for me--
ME: I'm pretty sure for you they're right up there with food and oxygen.
BETH: How about alcohol?
ME: That would still be frivolous.
BETH: Blockbuster movie rentals?
ME: Do they have any educational value?
BETH: They're all documentaries about the atrocities of war.
ME: Beth, you're perfectly capable of depressing yourself for free, you don't need movies to help you out.
BETH: Good point.

Nighttime was going to be the real test. Shane and I went out, and I avoided parking anywhere that would charge me, which wasn't so hard.

(Providence is fine when it comes to free parking. If I lived in Boston, I would have already given up on this venture and busted out my ATM card.)

Cover was cheap--about four dollars. I reasoned that it was necessary because otherwise I'd be sitting at home on a Wednesday night, which is so uncool.

Wednesday is the new Saturday, after all.

The real test came after the club. My hankering for my post-club meal started up--

I wanted pancakes.

SHANE: Pancakes are food. You can't say food is unnecessary.
ME: It is when I'm not really hungry.
SHANE: But you want pancakes.
ME: I want a lot of things. I want a new car. I want a vacation to Vegas. I want 30 Rock Season Two on DVD--
SHANE: Kevin, you work hard. You shouldn't feel guilty about spending your money.
ME: But if I spend recklessly--
SHANE: You're in your early twenties. If you're not going to be reckless now, when are you?
ME: I'm actually considered mid-twenties, but I see your point.
SHANE: So?
ME: Rooty Tootie Fresh and Fruity it is.

And I wasn't referring to the guys who had been dancing on the box all evening.

Ba dum bum.

As Shane and I ate our 2am breakfast, all I could think was--

What good is having money if you can't spend it...on fruit-covered flapjacks?

Sorry Horoscope, when you can't answer back, you can't argue.