Thou Shalt Be Mr. Popular

Horoscope: You're especially charismatic today, so go out and work it. Surround yourself with strangers, and treat them like friends.

Easier said than done, horoscope. I live in Rhode Island, what strangers am I supposed to meet? You can barely walk down the road in this state without running into a former boyfriend, your dentist, or both.

ADAM: Oh Dr. Schweitzer, we shared so much more than dental hygiene tips.

I decided that the only way to make new friends and be the life of the party was to find a party I could be the life of--

ADAM: Huh?

--or something like that.

ADAM: Try going to a straight bar.
ME: You want me to be a one-man guerrilla take-over? What am I supposed to win them over with? Witty anecdotes about my dating life?
ADAM: Yeah, pass out printed entries from your 100 Hookups blog and let the fun begin.
ME: Or I could just strive to be friendly and see who I meet?
ADAM: Chances are you're going to meet a lot of freaks. I say go for it!
ME: Laugh it up, broseph, but guess whose coming with me?
ADAM: Beth? Carly? Shane, whose required to because he's your love prisoner?
ME: Try again.

Adam and I went out and I made a solid effort to meet and talk to new people.

It didn't go over as I planned.

ME: Hi, I'm Kevin. I don't think we've met.
NEWBIE #1: Actually, we have. You attacked my boyfriend once.
ME: I did.
NEWBIE #1: You two went out on a date and when you got him back to your place you lunged at him.
ADAM: He had rabies for awhile there. You'll have to forgive him.
ME: I never lunged at anybody! I'm not a gazelle!
NEWBIE #1: Whatever. He and I have moved past it and we're now very happy together.
ADAM: Is that him making out with that shotboy?
NEWBIE #1: Jesus Christ, not again!

Second time around...

ME: Hi, I'm Kevin. I don't think we've met.
NEWBIE #2: Actually we went to school together.
ME: We did?
NEWBIE #2: Yeah, I was in your gym class in high school.
ME: Shut up! I don't remember you.
NEWBIE #2: That's because you called me Frosted Flakes.
ME: Frosted Flakes! With the flaky dandruff hair--ohhh, I'm so sorry. I was such a bitch in high school.
ADAM: Oh, so much has changed since then. Turn away, Ali Sheedy, I feel like its snowing.

Third time's a charm.

ME: Hi, I'm Kevin. I don't think we've met.
NEWBIE #3: You're right. We haven't.
ME: Jackpot!
NEWBIE #3: Wanna do some blow in my car?
ME: Como estas?
ADAM: Donde mi integrito?

I give up.

On the way back from the car, I felt despondent. Not only was I not Mr. Popular, but it seemed like way more people dislike me than I originally though.

ADAM: Look at it this way, most people barely have enough time for their friends. Why bother getting all new ones you're going to have even less time for?

Leave it to Adam to come up with an insensitive, and yet, practical solution.

ME: Want to get IHOP with me?
ADAM: Nah, I've had enough of you for the night.

And he keeps me very, very grounded.

I suppose I'll have to be charming and magnetic some other day.

Until then, I'm flying solo.