Thou Shalt Bang the Drum Slowly

Okay, so I've returned from a mini-hiatus.

www.thiscantbetheater.blogspot.com is still going.

But in the meantime, I still need to work on some things.

For one, I've always thought I should be able to play a musical instrument.

ADAM: Do you know how?
ME: No.
ADAM: Do you have the patience to learn?
ME: Sure. I can take a week or so.
ADAM: Why the sudden interest?
ME: It would be nice to have an actual skill.
ADAM: You mean besides being able to recite all of 'Modern Major General.'
ME: That's not a...yeah, I need to get on this.

I went through the list of potential musical instruments I could learn in a day or two.

The tambourine--a little too flaming.
The triangle--rock bands don't usually required them.
The xylophone--getting closer...

Drums.

I need to play the drums.

CARLY: Oooh drummers are hot.
ME: I know. I think I might have a shot at being legendary, like Pam's ex.
CARLY: Tommy Lee?
ME: Yeah, him.
CARLY: You'd be better off replicating some of his other...talents.
ME: Obvi, but for now let's talk about rhythm.
CARLY: Forget it. Use a condom.
ME: What?
CARLY: Oh, I thought you meant the method.
ME: Ah.
CARLY: Do you have any rhythm.
ME: Good question.

I decided to give my brother's set a try. I sat down and tried to play Wipeout.

I wiped out.

RORY: To be a drummer you have to lose all inhibition.
ME: Like Animal from the Muppets?
RORY: Who are the Muppets?
ME: Never mind, I'm old.
RORY: Just let yourself go.

I have major problems with that.

Anything that involves me letting loose makes me nervous.

Swing sets.
Twirling in a circle.
Letting people kiss the left side of my body.

It just makes me nervous.

BETH: I'm the same way with my right elbow. You kiss it; I scream and punch you.
ME: Why would anyone kiss your right elbow?
BETH: I dated a guy who was into elbows.
ME: Let's get off that topic as quick as possible.
BETH: Are you going to try the drums again?
ME: Yeah, tonight.
BETH: Just do it Animal.
ME: LADY! LADY!
BETH: Okay, that's just scary.

I sat down at the drum set, and tried to let go. After a few minutes, I was jamming away, but it didn't sound good at all.

My stepfather Roger heard me and came downstairs.

ROGER: I thought it was Rory, but I didn't hear any obscenities.
ME: It didn't sound good, did it?
ROGER: It sounded fun.
ME: Is that good or bad?
ROGER: Kevin, your problem starts with you even asking that question.
ME: Huh?
ROGER: Who cares if it's bad? Music is supposed to be fun. For you.
ME: Thanks Mr. Holland.
ROGER: Any time.

He went upstairs and I started to drum again.

Somewhere along the way, the music stopped being anything but a riot.

And I mean that in the best sense of the word.

I'm even thinking of starting my own band--

The Kevin Broccoli Tambourine Music Project But With No Tambourine Cause We're Better Than That

It could be kind of a big deal.