Thou Shalt Be a Family Man

HOROSCOPE: Spend more time with your family--whether you like it or not.

It's not that I don't enjoy spending time with my family.

DAD: The gays across the street are having one of their ecstasy parties again.

It's just that I would prefer to do many, many other things.

ADAM: I love hanging out with my family.
ME: That's because they give you money and get you drunk. Mine give me guilt and get me agitated.
ADAM: And there's the difference between the Italian and the Irish.
ME: My Dad's side is Italian. We're just odd around each other because of the...thing.
ADAM: You being a homo?
ME: Yeah, that thing.

Luckily, my horoscope was forcing me to enjoy time with my father at a time when I would have had to anyway.

We were celebrating my niece's birthday party. Little Bella is already one-years-old, which is shocking to me. Even more shocking is that my brother hasn't forgotten her anywhere yet.

HARRY: Today she said crap. Can you believe it?
ME: That classy Broccoli nature is already blossoming.

Deana, my brother's wife, has developed quite a backbone. Whereas she used to be quiet and sweet, she's now constantly steering my brother away from Bella in case he makes some silly little "new father" blunder--like putting her in the refrigerator.

HARRY: It was a joke, Deana!
DEANA: Like your face. Now give me the baby.

See what I mean?

My stepmother Stacey has responded to being a grandmother with gusto. And by gusto, I mean shopping.

STACEY: Look at this new face cream I got.
ME: It has rubies in it?
STACEY: Big chunks of them.
ME: Has does rubbing rock against your face make it smoother exactly?
STACEY: It puts the smell of the rich into your pores.
ME: Yes, because who wouldn't want to smell like Rupert Murdoch? The man looks like the Crypt Keeper.

We were all celebrating Bella's birthday in our usual Broccoli style--by fighting.

DAD: Those damn gays.
ME: Dad, could you call them something else?
DAD: I'm sorry--what's the politically correct name?
ME: Homosexuals would be fine.
DAD: Those limp-wristed homosexuals and their raves are driving me nuts!
ME: Way to slip in an adjective.
DAD: Is that a new drug?

I looked out the window at the supposed rave, and found that it was actually an outdoor dinner party my father's neighbors were hosting on his patio.

ME: Yeah Dad, it looks like quite the Gomorrah over there.
DAD: Don't let them fool you. They're using the barbecue as a front to make porn and sell drugs.
STACEY: Big Kev, I went over there yesterday and I didn't see any cameras or drugs.
DAD: You went over there?
STACEY: Whatever they were making smelled so good I just had to ask for the recipe.
ME: You went to get fashion advice, didn't you?
STACEY: Well you're no help! You told me that blouse looked fine.
ME: It did!
STACEY: It made me look boxy! The gays confirmed it!

Annie came running into the room. She's about to go into fourth grade, and every time I think of that it makes me weep uncontrollably. There should be a button you can put on your younger siblings so that they'll never grow up to know what a schmuck you are.

ANNIE: Kevin, I'm opening a lemonade stand.
ME: Since when do you call me Kevin? I'm Butter!

(Like Brother)

HARRY: She's too old to keep calling you Butter.
ME: Who asked you?
DEANA: Time for dinner, Bella.
DAD: You're going to whip out that boob right at the table?
STACEY: It's perfectly natural, Kev.
DAD: It can be natural in another room. I'm trying to eat here.
ME: I don't like being called Kevin.
ANNIE: It's your name.
ME: Stop growing! Take up smoking or something.

She laughed and ran away. Meanwhile, Deana was feeding Bella.

DAD: So much for dinner.

Just then, we heard music wafting in through the windows. It sounded like Sinatra.

DAD: Are those gays playing Sinatra?
ME: See that, Dad? They're just like you.
HARRY: Gay guys like Sinatra?
ME: Are you kidding? Those eyes--
DAD: Nothing's sacred anymore. Nothing.

Watching my father's idol embraced by dinner party-throwing gay guys was pretty sweet. It reminded me that, as a member of the younger generation, the future is on my side.

And when it comes to family, isn't that all that really matters?

Thou Shalt Not Tolerate Lisa

Horoscope: Feeling like a pencil? Because it's time to erase somebody from your life.

Normally, I would chalk that kind of foretelling up to a catty day at the astrologist's office, but with the arrival of my friend Lisa in town, I knew serendipity was in play.

ADAM: You're cutting Lisa out of your life?
ME: It's cold and unfeeling, I know.
ADAM: It's amazing! I'm doing it, too!
ME: So I'm not a bad person?
ADAM: Kevin, Lisa is impossible. She's self-centered, obnoxious, and pretentious.
ME: Aren't we all of those things too?
ADAM: Yeah, but we're funny too, so it all evens out.

Before you all start judging, I should probably give you some background on my friend Lisa.

I met her in high school, and we ended up going to the same college together. We've worked on shows together, we took most of the same classes together, and we've always lived within reasonable proximity of each other until she moved to Seattle upon graduating.

It was then that I realized something.

I don't like Lisa.

LISA: Oh my God! So that guy who I told you about? The one who was in love with me?
ME: Tim?
LISA: No. It turns out Tim is gay. I'm talking about AJ.
ME: Okay.
LISA: I thought AJ was in love with me.
ME: But he's not?
LISA: Oh, he totally is, but he won't admit it. He's like, getting married or something. And he like, won't return my phone calls.
ME: That's...well...he might be busy with the wedding.
LISA: Whatever. That's no reason to be rude.

Because Lisa and I have always--some might say forcibly--been a part of each other's lives, it just seemed logical that we should be friends. But once life wasn't demanding that we spend so much time together, it became clear that when the geographic closeness evaporated, so did every other kind of closeness.

It's not just that she's self-centered--

LISA: You have cancer? That's awful. It reminds me of when I had strep...

--Obnoxious--

LISA: You should hear me do that song. You know what? I'll just sing it for you a capella right now. That way you'll hear what I mean.

--Pretentious--

LISA: I mean, I just don't see how you can be a woman and not understand that the preeminent theatrical event of our time was A Streetcar Named Desire.

Like I said, everyone else I know exhibits those qualities too.

It's the fact that she's not aware she's any of those things. I know I do something tool-ish at least once an hour, and most of my friends revel in their cockiness. Lisa, on the other hand, likes to put on false humility when really you can see it in her eyes that she thinks she's better than everyone else. It's hard to be in a room with her where someone's telling a story without sensing how uncomfortable she is that nobody's paying attention to her.

And she's gone to some extreme lengths to get that attention.

LISA: Look, I don't want anyone's pity, but I just need you all to know that my Mom's cousin had two seizures yesterday and I'm just really upset about it.
ME: Lisa, have you ever met your Mom's cousin?
LISA: Like, once, I think. But I mean, a tragedy is a tragedy, even from afar. I think O'Neill said that.

See what I mean?

CARLY: I think O'Neill also said, "That bitch is crazy."
ME: She just sucks the energy out of you. It's like she's an energy vampire.
CARLY: Do I even have to say it?
ME: I know, Die Vampire Die. But this is Lisa! I've known her for years!
CARLY: Because you've had to know her for years. Now you don't have to.
ME: It's not like she can help being the way she is.
CARLY: Exactly. If there was any hope of her changing, I'd say stick it out and maybe she'll stop being a soul-crushing idiot, but since she's been this way forever, there's no point in waiting it out.
ME: I still feel bad.
CARLY: God, you sound like an abused husband still defending his wife.
ME: Lisa has hit me accidentally before--she was swatting at a fly and slapped me across the face.
CARLY: Yup, keep telling yourself that, Norma Lou.

I knew cutting ties with Lisa was going to be awful. She's prone to theatrics. And since I couldn't tell her the real reasons I wouldn't be talking to her anymore, but I didn't want to lie, I'd have to find some brilliant way to get my point across.

BETH: Fake amnesia.
ME: Remember me saying I can't lie?
BETH: Then you're screwed.
ME: Can you come with me?
BETH: No chance in hell.
ME: You're supposed to be her friend too!
BETH: As a show of solidarity with you, I'm cutting Lisa out of my life as well. Carly and Adam are doing the same.
ME: You can't do that! We can't all stop being friends with her! She'll be devastated!
BETH: If you can do it, why can't we?
ME: Because I thought of it first and I have a witty blog that needs material?
BETH: Nice try, Dear Abby.

I wish people would stop calling me lady names.

Dinner with Lisa was in a few hours, and I still couldn't figure out how I was going to get rid of her with all the grace and poise I'm noted for...

I needed to go to somebody who could supply me with sage wisdom. Unfortunately, Yoda was out of town, so I asked my brother, Danny.

DANNY: Does it really bother you that much to have her in your life, or is it simply an annoyance?
ME: She makes me want to rip off my own skin and kick myself in the head.
DANNY: So that would be...?
ME: An annoyance.
DANNY: So put up with it. Life isn't supposed to be one cakewalk after another.
ME: I'm sorry, but you're seventeen and you just used the word 'cakewalk'--
DANNY: Whether or not she shows it, I'm sure you being in her life means a lot to her, probably more than having her in your life irritates you.

Leave it to my brother to make me feel guilty.

ME: You missed out on a great career as an Italian mother, Danny.
DANNY: Shut up and eat.

See what I mean?

I had dinner with Lisa. It was excruciating, as usual, but maybe that's me being dramatic. At the end of the meal we hugged, and promised to hang out again the next time she's in town.

It's fair to say I shouldn't have to put up with anybody I don't want to, but then again, that's life, isn't it?

Maybe Danny's right. Maybe, despite the difficulty I have in finding it, I bring Lisa some small bit of joy. And a small bit of joy can be worth a lot of aggravation.

So I guess that means I'm going against my horoscope for the day. Nobody gets erased.

ADAM: You're a wimp.

...Then again...

Thou Shalt Live Alone and Like It

HOROSCOPE: Be at peace tonight. Don't go out. Meditate.

Of course, this would be my horoscope on a Saturday.

If I was advised not to go out on a Tuesday, I'd be all about it. But I have to stay home on a Saturday night?

Is SNL even on anymore?

ADAM: What are you going to meditate on?
ME: My life.
ADAM: That should take about five minutes.
ME: I guess by always going out on weekends I'm just conforming to societal norms.
ADAM: So you're knocking societal norms? Does that mean you're going to give up bathing and watching the Olympics?
ME: Oh! I can watch the Olympics!
ADAM: Have fun. I think tonight is table tennis.
ME: Wah.

I would never say that I was Mr. Popular, but it would stand to reason that the one night I decide to stay in is the night I get the most offers to go out.

BETH: Come drink with me.
ME: Beth, you know I don't drink.
BETH: Come watch me drink and judge me.
ME: I can't--not because I wouldn't love to--but I have to stay in tonight and be at peace with myself.
BETH: Is that code for jerking off?

* * * * *

CARLY: But you have to be my wingman tonight!
ME: Carly, whenever I'm your wingman I end up at a straight bar by myself apologizing to the owner for something you did right before you left.
CARLY: I know! It's our Saturday night tradition!
ME: Ask Beth to be your wingman...woman...whatever. She's looking for someone to drink with tonight.
CARLY: Is she good at dealing with the cops?
ME: Not as good as me, but she'll do. Have her tell Officer Dan I said hi.
CARLY: Ohh Officer Dan. He's the best at frisking.

* * * * *

SHANE: So I'm on my own tonight?
ME: Sorry babe.
SHANE: It's okay. I can use the time to read.
ME: What are you reading?
SHANE: Poetry by some homo.
ME: Is that the official title?
SHANE: No, it's called something like "Lovers and Syphilis."
ME: I think that was an Oprah's book club selection.
SHANE: You going to be okay sitting at home alone with your thoughts?
ME: Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Two hours later...

ME: Niiiiite--oh. Me say niiite--oh. Saturday comes and I wanna go oooout.

It got worse. I resorted to the unthinkable.

Spending time with my family.

ME: Hey Mom, you want to watch a movie together?
MOM: I can't. Me and Grandma are going to Bingo.
ME: Wouldn't you rather spend time with your son than gamble?
MOM: Yes, I would...on a weeknight. But tonight is money night. Love you.

* * * * *

ME: Roger, do you want to have a philosophical discussion about something?
ROGER: Like what?
ME: Suicide.
ROGER: Is it weighing on your mind?
ME: It's a Saturday night and I'm actively seeking quality time with my stepfather. What else would be on my mind?
ROGER: Sorry Kev, I have poker night.
ME: It's all right. I'm sure I can have that discussion with myself while I drive to the nearest bridge.

* * * * *

ME: Hey Danny, whatcha doing?
DANNY: Reading the Bible.
ME: Okay, I'm not that desperate. Where's Rory?
DANNY: He's out.
ME: It's midnight.
DANNY: Yes it is.
ME: He's fourteen.
DANNY: Yes, he is.
ME: You don't think that's a little--
DANNY: I think we should have put him in a home years ago. Did you have a stricter curfew at fourteen?
ME: At fourteen, I was home watching SNICK.
DANNY: What's SNICK?

Oh Christ...

Danny took a break from Job, and ate some ice cream with me.

ME: I think I know why I have a problem not going out.
DANNY: Because this house smells like old cheerios.
ME: No, but now that you mention it--
DANNY: Are you afraid of being alone?
ME: No, I mean, I'm not alone now. It's just that...when I was a kid, I never did anything. I never went anywhere. I was such a homebody. Mom would try to get me to go out and I'd cry and pout and finally she just gave up. And even though it seemed like that was what I wanted, I was always so sad that I was by myself. I felt like there was this big party going on that I just wasn't invited to. And then once I broke out of that, I kept trying to find that party, and I keep thinking that if I go out--
DANNY: Maybe one day you'll run into it?
ME: But there is no party, is there?
DANNY: If there is, everybody there probably wants to be at another party. That's the downside of being social. It's not always very fulfilling.

So maybe that was why I needed to stay home. To learn that the only time you're satisfied being where you are is when you're satisfied with yourself.

Hey, look at me growing as a person!

ADAM: Oh my God, you missed such a good time tonight.

...And now that the lesson is learned, I can continue to go out all the time...

Yay!

Thou Shalt Not Cause a Scene

Horoscope: Don't cause a scene today, even though you may be tempted...

When have I ever caused a scene?

2002

ME: It's my goddammed graduation and if I want to throw my cap in the air I'm going to!
MOM: Honey, try to remember that you're graduating from a Catholic school, and saying goddam in a cathedral is frowned upon.

2004

ME: Fine! Break up with me! You couldn't get me a better birthday present!
CARLY: Should we all leave the room for this?
ME: No! I still want cake!

2006

ME: Who the fuck ate my English muffins?
GRANDMA: That would be me.
ME: Oh...carry on.

Okay, so maybe I've been known to be a little dramatic.

But lately I've been doing so well.

ADAM: That's because the drugs are working.
ME: They most certainly are not. I'm just mellowing with age.
ADAM: Is that why you disowned me last week when I saw The Mummy 3 without you?
ME: You know we always see bad movies together! It's our thing!
ADAM: Weren't you not supposed to freak out today?
ME: I...uh...I'm hanging up now.

Most normal people would avoid going out when they've been warned that they might be prone to theatrics, but hey, I'm a theater guy, theatrics are unavoidable.

Hence, I didn't even hesitate to go out with the boy in my life for a night on the town.

SHANE: So it's my job to make sure you don't punch someone tonight?
ME: Oh, like you don't have a temper?

Shane is pretty much everything you could want in a guy--passionate, funny, intelligent, tattooed, pierced, and willing to do karaoke.

Plus, he puts up with me.

Saying he makes me happy is like saying Ben and Jerry make ice cream.

SHANE: I only have a temper when creepy pervs are looking you over at the bar.
ME: Well tonight feel free to get into a fight with them about it. I can't be the one causing the fight if I'm the one breaking it up.
SHANE: So I get to be violent tonight?
ME: Happy belated birthday, babe.
SHANE: Yay!

We went out to our usual stomping ground and everything was going fine. Shane sang Natalie Merchant doing Pat Benatar and I did "Private Dancer" because nobody channels Tina like I do, and the world demands that I do it--who am I to say no?

Smooth sailing, right up until Shane went outside to smoke....

VOICE: Nice job on the song.

Catty laughter.

I knew then I was going to fail today's mission.

Turning around, I saw a bunch of college bitches cackling.

ME: Thanks.
CATTY BITCH #1: I was being sarcastic.
ME: Sarcasm? Is that like when I say 'You and your boyfriend look so happy together' when really he's on craig's list under 'Raw and ready'?
CATTY BITCH #2: So are you on there under 'Tacky and tactless'?

Touche.

ME: I would think someone trying to sport a faux hawk after 2004 would be hesitant to use the word tacky...
CATTY BITCH #3: Are you upset because nobody pays attention to you?
ME: No, I'm upset because your shirt is giving me a headache and your attitude weighs almost about as much as your beer belly. I'd lay off the coors--being a shrew doesn't speed up your metabolism, you know.

With that, I walked away and right into Shane.

SHANE: I leave you for five minutes--
ME: That's why you need to quit smoking. I need a more committed baby-sitter.
SHANE: Hey, you're the one making resolutions.

Yeah, keep reminding me.

Thou Shalt Support a Friend

HOROSCOPE: Support a friend in need. Be a cheerleader.

As many of you know, I hung out with the drama kids in high school, not so much the cheer leading squad--are they even called squads anymore?

I always think squad sounds like the plural form of squid.

We were attacked by a squad in the Atlantic! The horror!

Proving that horoscopes are in fact omniscient, my friend Adam ended his relationship yesterday and really needed some supporting. Before I could do that though, I needed to confer with an actual cheerleader.

CARLY: The important thing is to give good head.

So of course, I called Carly.

CARLY: They love when you do it while you're wearing the actual cheer-leading outfit.
ME: Maybe I should have been more specific when I asked for help. I want to know how to make people feel better.
CARLY: There are things that make boys feel better than oral stimulation?
ME: Yes, Judd Apatow and undercooked meat.
CARLY: Eww...
ME: I just don't know if I'm very good at supporting people.
CARLY: That's because you live your life like a cathedral's roof. Everything has to support you or you'll fall down and kill us all.
ME: Thanks for not overdoing the metaphor.
CARLY: No problem.

I decided to just dive in and then learn to swim.

Another practice I need to give up...

Adam met me at a bar downtown. I was getting there after a show so I was running late and he was--

ADAM: Kevinnnnn Broccoliiiiiii!

Already drunk.

ADAM: Guess who hates their life?
ME: Any one of the Kardashians?
ADAM: Nope.
ME: Well, they should.
ADAM: I'm never going to know happiness again.

Time to be supportive!

ME: Of course you will! Lots of other stuff makes you happy besides being in a relationship.
ADAM: Like what?
ME: Bad reality television, Oprah, [title of show].
ADAM: I've consumed all of the above in the past twenty-four hours. I cried my eyes out to "A Way Back to Then" so many times the CD has a skip in it.
ME: You still buy CD's?

SUPPORTIVE, KEVIN, SUPPORTIVE!

ME: Hey! Let's get out of here and go get pancakes! Pancakes always make people feel better.
ADAM: And by people you mean truckers?
ME: I'm sorry. I suck at cheering people up.
ADAM: You don't have to try so hard. Just you being here is a big help.
ME: Really?
ADAM: Well, getting laid wouldn't hurt either, but yeah.
ME: Aw, that means a lot--the former, not so much the latter.

Maybe Carly was onto something. Maybe I do impose too much on people, forcing them to always support me so that when they need me I don't know what the hell to do.

Well, enough of that. I'm not going to be the cathedral roof anymore! From now on, I'm the...

...um...

The nave!

(Speaking of which, if you haven't read The Pillars of the Earth, I highly recommend it.)

ADAM: Oprah does.

Well, there you go.

Thou Shalt Stay Calm

So I've come up with a game plan for reforming myself.

I'm going to follow a tried and true method of living.

My horoscope.

ADAM: Hey, I checked your horoscope today. It says you're a tool.
ME: Did it give any advice?
ADAM: Yeah. Stop being a tool.
ME: I'll take that into consideration.
ADAM: This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard from you next to 'I'm sure it's not contagious.'
ME: You still can't prove that it was, in fact, contagious, and I think you can find some good, sound advice in your horoscope. Besides, I'm taking the whole thing with a grain of salt.
ADAM: You should try taking meds instead.

I realize it's not the most conventional idea, but it's better than reading those self-help books that tell you to realize that your energy is equal to that of a deer or a muffin.

HOROSCOPE: You will be put into a tense situation. Stay calm.

I had to get up early to drive my family to the airport so they could jet off to Florida. I'm doing a show right now, so I had to stay behind.

I didn't mind. A week in a house by myself with central air conditioning and no family is all the vacation I need.

But before I could enjoy all that, I had to get myself into a tense situation.

ME: You need to get over to the other lane!
MOM: I'll go when I need to go! I don't need to go yet!
ROGER: You're going to slide right into that semi!
DANNY: Our father, who art in Heaven...
RORY: Mom, do it! It'll be so spaz.
ME: Stop saying spaz like it's a cool thing! Mom, get over now!

Welcome to Tension Town. Next right, Aneurysm Alley.

My mother never lets me drive, even when it's my own car, so I'm subjected to seeing the car I haven't even paid off yet do things that no vehicle not owned by a NASCAR driver should be forced to do.

Then I remembered to stay calm.

ME: Mom, you might want to consider slowing down a little.
MOM: I'm doing forty.
ME: The speedometer says seventy.
MOM: You have to round down.
ROGER: Danny and Rory, I'm teaching you both how to drive.
MOM: Why? So little old ladies can pass them on the highway?
RORY: I think we ran over every old lady on this highway.

Dee breaths, deep breaths.

MOM: Don't forget to eat.
ME: Mom, eating really isn't something you forget to do.
MOM: No parties.
ME: I'm sorry. Am I Ferris Bueller?
RORY: Who's that?
ME: God help us.
DANNY: That's what I'm hoping for. There's construction near the airport.
MOM: I'll just go around it.
ROGER: You can't go around construction!

Lamaze breathing, lamaze breathing.

ME: Hee hee hoooooo...hee hee hooooo...
RORY: Mom, I think Kevin's giving birth!
DANNY: Why are you doing this?
ME: I want to stay calm.
DANNY: You should read this new book--it's all about the energy of muffins.
ME: Are we there yet?
MOM: Not unless the hearse in front of me decides to get the corpse wherever it's going before it thaws out.
DANNY: Mother!
ROGER: Don't bother, Danny. When Mom drives, she turns into Grandma.
MOM: Don't make me turn this car around!

Finally, we made it to the airport.

RORY: We're alive.
DANNY: Yeah, now we just have to get on a giant mechanism designed to stay afloat in the skies thereby defying God's will.
RORY: I call window seat!

I gave everybody a hug good-bye. Truth be told, I don't like having relatives travel, it puts me on edge.

MOM: You going to miss us?
ME: I'm holding back the tears, Ma.
MOM: Take care of yourself.

I could see her eyes tearing up.

ME: Aw, Mom, relax. I'll be okay.

But she was already hugging me again, and not showing any signs of letting go.

She just doesn't handle tense situations very well.

Thou Shalt Try Again

Whenever you think you're through improving yourself--

ADAM: You're a trainwreck.

--Ask your best friend what he thinks.

ME: I wouldn't say trainwreck.
ADAM: Please, the plane has crashed into the train on the plane in Spain.
ME: Well luckily I'm giving up everything I gave up last time, except this time it's going to stick.
ADAM: So no more--
ME: Nail-biting, coffee, judging people, meddling, or lying.
ADAM: You already broke the last one by saying you're going to do all that stuff.
ME: I haven't had coffee in days and I already stopped the nail-biting.
ADAM: The meddling and the judging?
ME: Did you hear me comment on the boy you're dating yet?
ADAM: Ohhh...that's why. So do you not like him?
ME: I like him, but I don't like the two of you together.
ADAM: So you think we should break up?
ME: That's something you have to decide.
ADAM: Do you think I'm an idiot for dating him?
ME: I think you should do what makes you happy.
ADAM: I hate it when you're loving and supportive.
ME: The Old New me is back, bitch.

Here we go again...