Thou Shalt Live Alone and Like It

HOROSCOPE: Be at peace tonight. Don't go out. Meditate.

Of course, this would be my horoscope on a Saturday.

If I was advised not to go out on a Tuesday, I'd be all about it. But I have to stay home on a Saturday night?

Is SNL even on anymore?

ADAM: What are you going to meditate on?
ME: My life.
ADAM: That should take about five minutes.
ME: I guess by always going out on weekends I'm just conforming to societal norms.
ADAM: So you're knocking societal norms? Does that mean you're going to give up bathing and watching the Olympics?
ME: Oh! I can watch the Olympics!
ADAM: Have fun. I think tonight is table tennis.
ME: Wah.

I would never say that I was Mr. Popular, but it would stand to reason that the one night I decide to stay in is the night I get the most offers to go out.

BETH: Come drink with me.
ME: Beth, you know I don't drink.
BETH: Come watch me drink and judge me.
ME: I can't--not because I wouldn't love to--but I have to stay in tonight and be at peace with myself.
BETH: Is that code for jerking off?

* * * * *

CARLY: But you have to be my wingman tonight!
ME: Carly, whenever I'm your wingman I end up at a straight bar by myself apologizing to the owner for something you did right before you left.
CARLY: I know! It's our Saturday night tradition!
ME: Ask Beth to be your wingman...woman...whatever. She's looking for someone to drink with tonight.
CARLY: Is she good at dealing with the cops?
ME: Not as good as me, but she'll do. Have her tell Officer Dan I said hi.
CARLY: Ohh Officer Dan. He's the best at frisking.

* * * * *

SHANE: So I'm on my own tonight?
ME: Sorry babe.
SHANE: It's okay. I can use the time to read.
ME: What are you reading?
SHANE: Poetry by some homo.
ME: Is that the official title?
SHANE: No, it's called something like "Lovers and Syphilis."
ME: I think that was an Oprah's book club selection.
SHANE: You going to be okay sitting at home alone with your thoughts?
ME: Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Two hours later...

ME: Niiiiite--oh. Me say niiite--oh. Saturday comes and I wanna go oooout.

It got worse. I resorted to the unthinkable.

Spending time with my family.

ME: Hey Mom, you want to watch a movie together?
MOM: I can't. Me and Grandma are going to Bingo.
ME: Wouldn't you rather spend time with your son than gamble?
MOM: Yes, I would...on a weeknight. But tonight is money night. Love you.

* * * * *

ME: Roger, do you want to have a philosophical discussion about something?
ROGER: Like what?
ME: Suicide.
ROGER: Is it weighing on your mind?
ME: It's a Saturday night and I'm actively seeking quality time with my stepfather. What else would be on my mind?
ROGER: Sorry Kev, I have poker night.
ME: It's all right. I'm sure I can have that discussion with myself while I drive to the nearest bridge.

* * * * *

ME: Hey Danny, whatcha doing?
DANNY: Reading the Bible.
ME: Okay, I'm not that desperate. Where's Rory?
DANNY: He's out.
ME: It's midnight.
DANNY: Yes it is.
ME: He's fourteen.
DANNY: Yes, he is.
ME: You don't think that's a little--
DANNY: I think we should have put him in a home years ago. Did you have a stricter curfew at fourteen?
ME: At fourteen, I was home watching SNICK.
DANNY: What's SNICK?

Oh Christ...

Danny took a break from Job, and ate some ice cream with me.

ME: I think I know why I have a problem not going out.
DANNY: Because this house smells like old cheerios.
ME: No, but now that you mention it--
DANNY: Are you afraid of being alone?
ME: No, I mean, I'm not alone now. It's just that...when I was a kid, I never did anything. I never went anywhere. I was such a homebody. Mom would try to get me to go out and I'd cry and pout and finally she just gave up. And even though it seemed like that was what I wanted, I was always so sad that I was by myself. I felt like there was this big party going on that I just wasn't invited to. And then once I broke out of that, I kept trying to find that party, and I keep thinking that if I go out--
DANNY: Maybe one day you'll run into it?
ME: But there is no party, is there?
DANNY: If there is, everybody there probably wants to be at another party. That's the downside of being social. It's not always very fulfilling.

So maybe that was why I needed to stay home. To learn that the only time you're satisfied being where you are is when you're satisfied with yourself.

Hey, look at me growing as a person!

ADAM: Oh my God, you missed such a good time tonight.

...And now that the lesson is learned, I can continue to go out all the time...

Yay!

Thou Shalt Not Cause a Scene

Horoscope: Don't cause a scene today, even though you may be tempted...

When have I ever caused a scene?

2002

ME: It's my goddammed graduation and if I want to throw my cap in the air I'm going to!
MOM: Honey, try to remember that you're graduating from a Catholic school, and saying goddam in a cathedral is frowned upon.

2004

ME: Fine! Break up with me! You couldn't get me a better birthday present!
CARLY: Should we all leave the room for this?
ME: No! I still want cake!

2006

ME: Who the fuck ate my English muffins?
GRANDMA: That would be me.
ME: Oh...carry on.

Okay, so maybe I've been known to be a little dramatic.

But lately I've been doing so well.

ADAM: That's because the drugs are working.
ME: They most certainly are not. I'm just mellowing with age.
ADAM: Is that why you disowned me last week when I saw The Mummy 3 without you?
ME: You know we always see bad movies together! It's our thing!
ADAM: Weren't you not supposed to freak out today?
ME: I...uh...I'm hanging up now.

Most normal people would avoid going out when they've been warned that they might be prone to theatrics, but hey, I'm a theater guy, theatrics are unavoidable.

Hence, I didn't even hesitate to go out with the boy in my life for a night on the town.

SHANE: So it's my job to make sure you don't punch someone tonight?
ME: Oh, like you don't have a temper?

Shane is pretty much everything you could want in a guy--passionate, funny, intelligent, tattooed, pierced, and willing to do karaoke.

Plus, he puts up with me.

Saying he makes me happy is like saying Ben and Jerry make ice cream.

SHANE: I only have a temper when creepy pervs are looking you over at the bar.
ME: Well tonight feel free to get into a fight with them about it. I can't be the one causing the fight if I'm the one breaking it up.
SHANE: So I get to be violent tonight?
ME: Happy belated birthday, babe.
SHANE: Yay!

We went out to our usual stomping ground and everything was going fine. Shane sang Natalie Merchant doing Pat Benatar and I did "Private Dancer" because nobody channels Tina like I do, and the world demands that I do it--who am I to say no?

Smooth sailing, right up until Shane went outside to smoke....

VOICE: Nice job on the song.

Catty laughter.

I knew then I was going to fail today's mission.

Turning around, I saw a bunch of college bitches cackling.

ME: Thanks.
CATTY BITCH #1: I was being sarcastic.
ME: Sarcasm? Is that like when I say 'You and your boyfriend look so happy together' when really he's on craig's list under 'Raw and ready'?
CATTY BITCH #2: So are you on there under 'Tacky and tactless'?

Touche.

ME: I would think someone trying to sport a faux hawk after 2004 would be hesitant to use the word tacky...
CATTY BITCH #3: Are you upset because nobody pays attention to you?
ME: No, I'm upset because your shirt is giving me a headache and your attitude weighs almost about as much as your beer belly. I'd lay off the coors--being a shrew doesn't speed up your metabolism, you know.

With that, I walked away and right into Shane.

SHANE: I leave you for five minutes--
ME: That's why you need to quit smoking. I need a more committed baby-sitter.
SHANE: Hey, you're the one making resolutions.

Yeah, keep reminding me.

Thou Shalt Support a Friend

HOROSCOPE: Support a friend in need. Be a cheerleader.

As many of you know, I hung out with the drama kids in high school, not so much the cheer leading squad--are they even called squads anymore?

I always think squad sounds like the plural form of squid.

We were attacked by a squad in the Atlantic! The horror!

Proving that horoscopes are in fact omniscient, my friend Adam ended his relationship yesterday and really needed some supporting. Before I could do that though, I needed to confer with an actual cheerleader.

CARLY: The important thing is to give good head.

So of course, I called Carly.

CARLY: They love when you do it while you're wearing the actual cheer-leading outfit.
ME: Maybe I should have been more specific when I asked for help. I want to know how to make people feel better.
CARLY: There are things that make boys feel better than oral stimulation?
ME: Yes, Judd Apatow and undercooked meat.
CARLY: Eww...
ME: I just don't know if I'm very good at supporting people.
CARLY: That's because you live your life like a cathedral's roof. Everything has to support you or you'll fall down and kill us all.
ME: Thanks for not overdoing the metaphor.
CARLY: No problem.

I decided to just dive in and then learn to swim.

Another practice I need to give up...

Adam met me at a bar downtown. I was getting there after a show so I was running late and he was--

ADAM: Kevinnnnn Broccoliiiiiii!

Already drunk.

ADAM: Guess who hates their life?
ME: Any one of the Kardashians?
ADAM: Nope.
ME: Well, they should.
ADAM: I'm never going to know happiness again.

Time to be supportive!

ME: Of course you will! Lots of other stuff makes you happy besides being in a relationship.
ADAM: Like what?
ME: Bad reality television, Oprah, [title of show].
ADAM: I've consumed all of the above in the past twenty-four hours. I cried my eyes out to "A Way Back to Then" so many times the CD has a skip in it.
ME: You still buy CD's?

SUPPORTIVE, KEVIN, SUPPORTIVE!

ME: Hey! Let's get out of here and go get pancakes! Pancakes always make people feel better.
ADAM: And by people you mean truckers?
ME: I'm sorry. I suck at cheering people up.
ADAM: You don't have to try so hard. Just you being here is a big help.
ME: Really?
ADAM: Well, getting laid wouldn't hurt either, but yeah.
ME: Aw, that means a lot--the former, not so much the latter.

Maybe Carly was onto something. Maybe I do impose too much on people, forcing them to always support me so that when they need me I don't know what the hell to do.

Well, enough of that. I'm not going to be the cathedral roof anymore! From now on, I'm the...

...um...

The nave!

(Speaking of which, if you haven't read The Pillars of the Earth, I highly recommend it.)

ADAM: Oprah does.

Well, there you go.

Thou Shalt Stay Calm

So I've come up with a game plan for reforming myself.

I'm going to follow a tried and true method of living.

My horoscope.

ADAM: Hey, I checked your horoscope today. It says you're a tool.
ME: Did it give any advice?
ADAM: Yeah. Stop being a tool.
ME: I'll take that into consideration.
ADAM: This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard from you next to 'I'm sure it's not contagious.'
ME: You still can't prove that it was, in fact, contagious, and I think you can find some good, sound advice in your horoscope. Besides, I'm taking the whole thing with a grain of salt.
ADAM: You should try taking meds instead.

I realize it's not the most conventional idea, but it's better than reading those self-help books that tell you to realize that your energy is equal to that of a deer or a muffin.

HOROSCOPE: You will be put into a tense situation. Stay calm.

I had to get up early to drive my family to the airport so they could jet off to Florida. I'm doing a show right now, so I had to stay behind.

I didn't mind. A week in a house by myself with central air conditioning and no family is all the vacation I need.

But before I could enjoy all that, I had to get myself into a tense situation.

ME: You need to get over to the other lane!
MOM: I'll go when I need to go! I don't need to go yet!
ROGER: You're going to slide right into that semi!
DANNY: Our father, who art in Heaven...
RORY: Mom, do it! It'll be so spaz.
ME: Stop saying spaz like it's a cool thing! Mom, get over now!

Welcome to Tension Town. Next right, Aneurysm Alley.

My mother never lets me drive, even when it's my own car, so I'm subjected to seeing the car I haven't even paid off yet do things that no vehicle not owned by a NASCAR driver should be forced to do.

Then I remembered to stay calm.

ME: Mom, you might want to consider slowing down a little.
MOM: I'm doing forty.
ME: The speedometer says seventy.
MOM: You have to round down.
ROGER: Danny and Rory, I'm teaching you both how to drive.
MOM: Why? So little old ladies can pass them on the highway?
RORY: I think we ran over every old lady on this highway.

Dee breaths, deep breaths.

MOM: Don't forget to eat.
ME: Mom, eating really isn't something you forget to do.
MOM: No parties.
ME: I'm sorry. Am I Ferris Bueller?
RORY: Who's that?
ME: God help us.
DANNY: That's what I'm hoping for. There's construction near the airport.
MOM: I'll just go around it.
ROGER: You can't go around construction!

Lamaze breathing, lamaze breathing.

ME: Hee hee hoooooo...hee hee hooooo...
RORY: Mom, I think Kevin's giving birth!
DANNY: Why are you doing this?
ME: I want to stay calm.
DANNY: You should read this new book--it's all about the energy of muffins.
ME: Are we there yet?
MOM: Not unless the hearse in front of me decides to get the corpse wherever it's going before it thaws out.
DANNY: Mother!
ROGER: Don't bother, Danny. When Mom drives, she turns into Grandma.
MOM: Don't make me turn this car around!

Finally, we made it to the airport.

RORY: We're alive.
DANNY: Yeah, now we just have to get on a giant mechanism designed to stay afloat in the skies thereby defying God's will.
RORY: I call window seat!

I gave everybody a hug good-bye. Truth be told, I don't like having relatives travel, it puts me on edge.

MOM: You going to miss us?
ME: I'm holding back the tears, Ma.
MOM: Take care of yourself.

I could see her eyes tearing up.

ME: Aw, Mom, relax. I'll be okay.

But she was already hugging me again, and not showing any signs of letting go.

She just doesn't handle tense situations very well.

Thou Shalt Try Again

Whenever you think you're through improving yourself--

ADAM: You're a trainwreck.

--Ask your best friend what he thinks.

ME: I wouldn't say trainwreck.
ADAM: Please, the plane has crashed into the train on the plane in Spain.
ME: Well luckily I'm giving up everything I gave up last time, except this time it's going to stick.
ADAM: So no more--
ME: Nail-biting, coffee, judging people, meddling, or lying.
ADAM: You already broke the last one by saying you're going to do all that stuff.
ME: I haven't had coffee in days and I already stopped the nail-biting.
ADAM: The meddling and the judging?
ME: Did you hear me comment on the boy you're dating yet?
ADAM: Ohhh...that's why. So do you not like him?
ME: I like him, but I don't like the two of you together.
ADAM: So you think we should break up?
ME: That's something you have to decide.
ADAM: Do you think I'm an idiot for dating him?
ME: I think you should do what makes you happy.
ADAM: I hate it when you're loving and supportive.
ME: The Old New me is back, bitch.

Here we go again...

Thou Shalt Give Thanks (The Season Finale)

Kevin?

I looked down the table at my family. They were all waiting for my words of thanks.

AUNTIE DEB: Hon, it's your turn.
GRANDMA: What are you grateful for?

I try to come up with something, but my mind keeps flashing to other things...

UNCLE WILL: Come stay with us.
ME: Why would I do that?
JEFF: For the experience!
UNCLE WILL: And to be our live-in babysitter.
ME: Yeah, I don't think so.

The day before, Uncle Will and Jeff had called up to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. It was then that they proposed an idea to me that they clearly had been pondering for sometime.

UNCLE WILL: You need to get out of Rhode Island.
ME: Uncle Will--
JEFF: I agree with him, Kevin. You need some life experience that you're not going to get by staying where you are.
UNCLE WILL: Josh--

(Their roommate)

UNCLE WILL: --is moving out in two weeks, and we thought--
JEFF: --Instead of finding someone else, why not just have you move down here?
ME: What about my job?
UNCLE WILL: You'll get a new job.
JEFF: We'll get you all set up.
UNCLE WILL: Kev, you need to do this, and if you don't do it now...

What he didn't say, but what hung in the air was--"You may never do it."

JEFF: What do you say?
ME: I say--

But nothing was coming out. Auntie Deb was looking over her shoulder at the mashed potatoes still sitting on the counter that were going cold. Rory was texting someone. Danny had his head bowed but I swore I could see his left eye open slightly waiting for my voice to utter a prayer of thanks.

I looked down at my food.

ADAM: How's your chicken?
ME: It's good, but I don't have much of an appetite right now.

Adam and I were dining at the Nordstrom's Cafe.

ADAM: Do you come here a lot?
ME: Yeah...Well, I used to.
ADAM: So are you going to do it?
ME: Finish my chicken. No, go ahead.
ADAM: I wasn't--okay.

I pushed my plate in front of him.

ME: As for the move, I don't know.
ADAM: I think you should.
ME: Just because?
ADAM: Just because there's no reason for you not to. You don't have anything keeping you here. You're not with...um, you know...anymore.
ME: But friends--
ADAM: E-mail, text messaging, carrier pigeons--
ME: Family?
ADAM: It's not like you can get rid of them.
ME: Good point.
ADAM: Kevin, you need to do this. Most people would kill for the chance to leave everything behind and start fresh.
ME: I've already started fresh once this year.
ADAM: Uh huh, and look at your nails.

I looked down and saw that I had started gnawing on them again. Damaged cuticles don't necessarily qualify as an omen, but in this case...

COUSIN ANTHONY: Can we eat already?
GRANDMA: Nobody eats until we've all said thanks.
AUNTIE DEB: Maybe Kevin needs more time to think. What else is everyone thankful for?
RORY: The advances in technology that have led to text messaging.
COUSIN VICKY: Lipo.
UNCLE CHRIS: Forget it.
COUSIN VICKY: I hate you!

All I had to do was think of one thing. One lousy thing! And there were plenty. I just had a lot on my mind.

BETH: He's leaving.
ME: Carlos?
BETH: He's moving to New York.
ME: Oh honey, I'm so sorry.
BETH: I think I'm going with him.
ME: What?

Beth and I were having a trailer trash food night. She had made about two pounds of Mac and Cheese, while I ate pickles, Doritos, and of course, a block of cheese.

BETH: I can't let him go. He's my soulmate.
ME: I thought you didn't even like him that much?
BETH: I hide my true feelings. It's a defense mechanism!
ME: Have you been reading The Four Agreements again?
BETH: What's the worst that could happen?
ME: He could embrace his homosexuality leaving you in New York starving with nowhere to live while he sleeps with chorus boys in his midtown apartment?
BETH: You really think he can get a place in midtown?

I brandished her with a pickle.

ME: You need to think about this, Beth. This is serious.
BETH: I know it is! Don't wave your pickle at me! Wow, I never thought I'd say that to you.
ME: Is he really worth it?
BETH: Is anyone?
ME: Of course!
BETH: So if he doesn't work out maybe I'll find someone there who will.
ME: I wish I could think of things like that.
BETH: Hey, everything's an opportunity, right?
ME: Right.

After a bite out of my pickle, I texted Uncle Will and Jeff.

TEXT: I'll let you know by tomorrow.

First I was going to have to run things by the family.

ME: Okay, so first I do dinner at Auntie's with Mom, then I come over here and we go to Grandma Number One's then Grandma Number Two's, then I take an overdose of Quaaludes and pray for the light to come and get me.

I was at Dad's house reviewing Thanksgiving plans.

DAD: I don't understand why you don't come to my house first.
ME: Because you don't start dinner until six o'clock.
DAD: We'll eat earlier.
STACEY: Kev, let him go over his Aunt's first. Not everything has to be an argument.

Stacey had just come back from shopping.

ME: Isn't the idea to shop tomorrow on Black Friday?
STACEY: I celebrate both Black Friday and Blue Wednesday.
DAD: Fine, but next year--
ME: Actually, I might...Well, I'll be here for next year, obviously, but--
DAD: But what?

I heard the front door open.

HARRY: Dad, where do you want these folding chairs?
DEANA: I have pot pie!
STACEY: Deana, honey, it's not Thanksgiving yet.
DEANA: Stacey, when you feel the urge to make pot pie, you just have to make it.
ANNIE: I like pot pie!

My little sister grabbed the pie from Deana as I went to help Harry with the folding chairs.

DAD: We were talking.
ME: I'm thinking of moving in with Uncle Will and Jeff for a little while.
DAD: The fruits?
STACEY: Kev!
DAD: I mean, the fairies?
ME: Yes, Dad. Although I think the acceptable derogatory term is now 'pansy.'
DAD: Why are you going to move in with them?
DEANA: That sounds exciting.
DAD: Nobody asked you.
HARRY: Dad!

I looked at Annie, whose eyes had suddenly gotten wide.

ANNIE: Butter going to move?

When she was little she couldn't say "brother," it always came out "butter," and for some reason it's always just been that. I knelt down next to her.

ME: Butter might, but he's not sure yet.
ANNIE: And I won't see you anymore?
ME: You will always see me no matter what. I will cling to you--

And I grabbed her and swung her around the room while she laughed. I could see that my Dad was not amused, but he wasn't my first concern.

ME: --until you're yelling, Butter stop!
ANNIE: Butter stop!

I put her down and gave Stacey a look.

STACEY: Annie, why don't we let brother talk to Daddy for a second, okay?
ANNIE: Okay.

Everyone but Dad left the room.

DAD: So you're going?
ME: It's not definite.
DAD: You won't go.
ME: How do you know that?
DAD: You were going to move before, and you didn't. For college.
ME: Because you--

I stopped myself.

DAD: Because I got sick.

All I could do was nod. I remember finding out I got into Emerson, and realizing that if I went and anything happened... Boston is just a stone's throw away from Providence, but when you're getting phone calls saying your father's been rushed to the hospital and he's unconscious--a stone's throw still seems to far.

DAD: You could have gone after college.
ME: That would be now.
DAD: Are you sure you could do it? You've never been on your own like that. No family nearby.
ME: I'll have Uncle Will.
DAD: Your uncle needs his own babysitter.
ME: I have to try, Dad.

My Dad seemed to take a moment, and then said.

DAD: If you go, don't come back.

I was stung. I couldn't believe what I just heard.

DAD: I don't mean you can't come back. What I mean is that no matter what happens, you have to stick with it. You can't keep looking behind you making sure everything stays where you left it. We'll all be okay here. You need to do what you need to do.

Every once in awhile, my Dad has one of these moments where I realize that he's not a bad guy. Don't get me wrong. He can be a downright terrible father, but overall he's not a bad guy. And it occurs to me that maybe he is trying his best, and that something like this is the best he can do with me.

JOEY: Should I pack this or give it away?
ME: What is it? Actually, if I have to ask 'what is it' you should probably just give it away.

Joey and I were at his place packing up all his things. He was moving in with his boyfriend, Bart, and I had agreed to help, even though I had some doubts on whether or not it was a good idea.

ME: Joey, do you ever worry that you might be moving a little too fast?
JOEY: With Bart? No.
ME: Um...it's just that, moving in is a big deal.
JOEY: I know.
ME: It's sort of--as far as you can go before...I don't know...marriage.
JOEY: But I love Bart.

Maybe my own insecurities about taking a step in a bold direction were the cause for doubting Joey's big step, but another part of me couldn't let the issue drop.

I had met Bart a few times, and even though he seemed like a great guy, he and Joey seemed far from a perfect match.

ME: How do you know it isn't just the convenience that you like--or the comfort?
JOEY: What else is there?
ME: Actual emotion.
JOEY: We have that, but even when we don't, we like being with each other. What more do you need than that?
ME: I don't know. I mean, I feel like with me... Well, with this place--I'm comfortable here. I like being here, but... I just feel like I can do better.
JOEY: A place is not a person, Kevin.
ME: Then why does it feel like I'm about to go through a break-up?

That day at the library, I had been thrown for a loop. I discussed the option of moving with the Golden Girls. They were hesitant to see me go.

MARTHA: Get the hell out of here as fast as you can.
ME: Does anyone have a 'That was easy' button?
DAISY: Everyone needs to spread their wings at some point in their life, Kevin.
MILLIE: And you should be spreading yours far away from here.

I was going to go into it further when I saw Library Boy in the fiction room.

ME: I'll be right back.

Okay, this was it. I was going to take that big step. If moving was in my future, I couldn't leave wondering what might have been with--

LIBRARY BOY: Hey Kev.
ME: Hey. Listen, I was wondering--
LIBRARY BOY: Kev, do girls usually like Nora Roberts?
ME: Um, yeah. Most of them. Getting something for your Mom?
LIBRARY BOY: No, my girlfriend.

Na-who-what-what? WHAT? WHAT?!?!

ME: Yeah...uh...most of them like Nora Roberts.
LIBRARY BOY: She's really particular though.
ME: I didn't know you--
LIBRARY BOY: She strikes me as an Anne Tyler type of person. She doesn't read much, but I'm trying to change that.
ME: How long have you been going out?
LIBRARY BOY: A couple of months.
ME: Oh.

That's all I could say--Oh. I mean, what else could you say?

CARLY: You say, Way to lead me on, asshole.

Carly and I were powerwalking in the park after I got out of work where I was recounting my Library Boy experience.

ME: You know, usually I have pretty decent gaydar. Enough to know when someone I've been madly in love with has a girlfriend.
CARLY: Forget about him. Think of all the boys you're going to meet when you move.
ME: If I move.
CARLY: Is this not an omen that you need to get out of here?
ME: I don't necessarily believe in omens.

Just then a magazine flew down the path we were walking and smack dab into my leg. I grabbed it and went to throw it in the nearest trash barrel when I noticed it was a Travel magazine.

ME: Okay, so maybe this does mean something.

Ring...Ring...Ring...

ME: Hello?
VOICE: Kevin?
ME: Yeah.
VOICE: It's Nick.
ME: Nick? NICK?
VOICE: Sorry to wake you up.
ME: Nick, where the hell have you been?
NICK: I can't really talk for very long. I just didn't want you to worry.
ME: Worry? I've been going crazy.
NICK: I have a lot to tell you.
ME: So tell--
NICK: I can't right now. I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing really well. A lot of good things are happening for me.
ME: Nick, where are you?
NICK: I'm in a better place, Kev. A much better place.
ME: But--
NICK: I'll talk to you again soon.

Click.

Silence.

Kevin?

ME: The...um...food. I'm thankful for the food.
AUNTIE DEB: Good start.
RORY: We're going to be here all day.
ROGER: Rory!
ME: I mean, it's...um...really good food.
GRANDMA: I made the stuffing.
ANTHONY: Can we eat the food now?

What else? What else do I have beside the food?

DEREK: Do you not like your linguine?
ME: No, it's fine.

Derek had invited me out to dinner and I said 'Yes.' Why not? Contemplating major life changes give you a sort of 'What the heck' attitude towards just about everything.

DEREK: If you move, there's no point starting a commitment with anyone here.
ME: You're absolutely right.
DEREK: So would you just want to have a fling while you're around?
ME: Absolutely not.
DEREK: You're a hard nut to crack, Kevin Broccoli.
ME: Eh, you're not much of a squirrel, Derek.

It was then that I remembered the night I finally won over Mr. Right. It was very much like Say Anything. I was standing underneath his window with a guitar, which is funny, because I don't actually play guitar. He opened the window and I launched into good old Sweeney.

ME:

No one's going to hurt you
Not while I'm around

MR. RIGHT: What are you doing? It's 1am.
ME:

No one's going to harm you, no sir
Not while I'm around

MR. RIGHT: Kevin, I am not Roxanne. This is insane.

ME:

Demons will charm you with a smile
For awhile...
I...I can't hit that note!!!

MR. RIGHT: Haha--

ME:

Nothing can harm you
Not while I'm around

MR. RIGHT: Get up here, you crazy bastard.

I guess that means I need to learn to play guitar. (Hey, as cheesy as that was, it could have been worse. I could have played "Fire and Rain.")

Kevin?

Aside from food, all I could think of were the typical things you should be grateful for--family, friends, good health--

ME: I'm grateful for family, friends, good health--

Something distinct.

ME: Um...I'm grateful for new opportunities.

You need some life experience that you're not going to get by staying where you are.

ME: Best friends.

Most people would kill for the chance to leave everything behind and start fresh.

ME: Good times.

Everything's an opportunity, right?

ME: Being given a blessing.

You need to do what you need to do.

ME: The chance to go in a new direction.

A place is not a person, Kevin.

ME: Much needed support.

Get the hell out of here as fast as you can.

ME: Hearing from people you haven't heard from in awhile.

I'm in a better place, Kev.

ME: Faith in good things to come.

Get up here.

ME: And...
DANNY: Amen.
ME: Yeah, Amen.
ALL: Amen.

It's funny how we set aside one day a year to really give thanks for all we've been given. Really, we should do it all the time. As things happen we should stop and say "This is a good thing. I should appreciate this."

Imagine how different life would seem if you really recognized all the reasons you're lucky...

UNCLE WILL: So, are you coming?

That would be a good rule to follow.

To Be Continued...

Thou Shalt (Try To) Honor Thy Father

Five words to describe Mr. Theodore Colt, Nick's father:

1) A**hole
2) A**hole
3) A**hole
4) A**hole
5) A**hole

ADAM: Does that mean things didn't go well?
ME: Not at all, actually.

I had debated whether or not to go see Nick's family regarding his disappearance. I didn't want to worry them, but if they knew where he was, it could put this whole issue to rest. While I was wrestling with what to do, the problem was solved for me.

VOICEMAIL: Hi, this is Eugenia Colt, Nick's mother. He left this number with us and said you'd be by to pick up his belongings. Tuesday at four would be a good time for us. Have a good day.

It took me a second to realize it wasn't someone calling to find out when their dry-cleaning was going to be picked up. Mrs. Colt's voice was crisp and Connecticut-ian. Maybe Nick had alerted her that he was moving. Maybe, to her, it wasn't a disappearance at all. Either way, I was on my way to their house on Tuesday.

ADAM: And?
ME: That's where I met Teddy.

Mrs. Colt opened the front door. She was off and running on some sort of verbal tangent as she showed me around the house that Nick had lived in, but that I had never visited. It was the household of a wealth, which was surprising since Nick had never given anyone the impression that he was well off in any way.

It was in Nick's bedroom that we encountered Teddy.

Theodore "Teddy" Colt looked like a former linebacker. He's a big, foreboding man; the kind of man who runs a police force or kills for money.

And upon meeting him, he had a knife in his hand.

He motioned to me with the knife, and then stabbed a box on the floor which appeared to be filled with clothing.

TEDDY: What's he doing here?
EUGENIA: This is Nick's friend. He's here to get his things.
TEDDY: His things aren't going anywhere. You had no right to pack them either.
EUGENIA: Teddy, it's what he wants.
TEDDY: Damn what he wants!

Another stab wound in the box. I could imagine little slits being made in Nick's polos.

ME: I'm sorry, but where is Nick exactly?
TEDDY: You tell us. You're his--

He shuddered in disgust.

EUGENIA: Boyfriend, Teddy. He's his boyfriend.
ME: Excuse me?
EUGENIA: Teddy's still living in the 50's.
TEDDY: I don't have a problem with him being--you know--
EUGENIA: Gay.
TEDDY: Yeah, that. But I don't like my son lying to me and then skipping out in the middle of the night--
ME: What?
TEDDY: Then sending me a note saying he wants all his things packed up and given to somebody I haven't even met. If he wants his things, he's going to have to come and get them himself.
EUGENIA: Maybe if the last words you said to each other were screamed at the top of your lungs--
TEDDY: HE WAS SCREAMING, I--
EUGENIA: FINE!
ME: ONE SECOND!

They both looked at me.

ME: Have either of you talked to Nick since he left?
EUGENIA: He won't call. He's proud like his father.
ME: So you waited all this time to call me--
EUGENIA: We only just found the note when I started cleaning out his room the other day.
ME: Can I see the note?
TEDDY: I ripped it up. I won't bow down to what my son--
ME: It had my number on it?
EUGENIA: Yes.
ME: And he called me his boyfriend?
TEDDY: Look, I don't know what you people call each other--
ME: I'm not though. We're not dating. We're just friends.
EUGENIA: A more casual arrangement?
ME: No! No arrangement at all. And Nick hasn't spoken to me in months. I don't know why he'd want me to get his stuff and then not tell me where he was going.

Part of me worried that this would be when they'd freak out. They'd realize that their son had vanished and all hell would break loose.

EUGENIA: Well, I'm sure he's fine.

No such luck.

ME: Excuse me?
TEDDY: Nick used to do this all the time. Try to get us worried.
ME: Um, I'm worried.
EUGENIA: Don't be. He'll call eventually.
ME: But I--
EUGENIA: So you won't be getting his things?
ME: I--
TEDDY: Absolutely not! He doesn't even know where he is. How do we even know they were friends?

I was beginning to wonder that myself.

ADAM: Maybe you should start searching abandoned warehouses. Clearly this kid has gone off the deep end.
ME: Nick is not crazy, and he's not the type to do any of this. Why would he leave that note and then not call me to let me know what was going on?
ADAM: Do you think Teddy Pendergrass killed him and wrote the note as a decoy?
ME: How would that work?
ADAM: I don't know. You're the one who likes Angela Lansbury. You figure it out.
ME: I like Mame and Sweeney Todd Angela Lansbury, not Murder, She Wrote Angela Lansbury. I mean, I don't have anything against Murder, She Wrote Angela Lansbury, but--
ADAM: Is any of this really that surprising? Gays keep stuff from their parents all the time.
ME: I don't keep anything from my mom.
ADAM: What about your dad?
ME: Well, that's...different.

My father was the last person to find out I was gay. And he didn't take it...um...okay, "well" might not be the best--

DAD: Someone rip my heart out of my chest.

--Yeah, you get the point.

ADAM: So you don't think his family had anything to do with his disappearance?
ME: It's hard to say who or even why he might have disappeared. The whole thing is so confusing.
ADAM: Any chance of you giving up this wild goose chase and doing something productive with your time?
ME: Fat chance. I think this family angle may lead me to something significant.

Because, where there's family--

MOM: Airport security.

--There's trouble.

ROGER: You're not serious?

With Roger still out of work, and Christmas fast approaching, Mom's getting desperate. She's taken on extra-shifts at the hospital, and as for Bingo Night with Grandma--

Well, now she really tries to win.

And we've all been looking through the newspaper trying to find a new job for Roger. It's become our morning routine to spread out the Projo and scour it like its a page out of "Where's Waldo in the Classifieds?"

ME: Bookkeeper?
ROGER: I don't know how to bookkeep.
ME: It can't be that hard. They're just books.
DANNY: Youth minister?
ROGER: Danny, for the last time, that job doesn't pay.
DANNY: I think if you got back in with the Lord, maybe our luck would turn around.
ME: Do you have anything against being a pizza delivery guy?
ROGER: Besides the fact that I'm forty-five?
ME: How about just making the pizza?

Rory walked into the room still in his pajamas.

MOM: Rory, you have to leave for school in ten minutes.
RORY: I'm not going to school.
MOM: All right, let's hear it. Stomachache?
ME: Flu?
DANNY: Pop quiz in history?
ROGER: Earth science?

Without answering us, he sat down at the kitchen table and picked up the classified ads.

RORY: No, I'm going to get a job.
MOM: Don't be ridiculous. You're only thirteen.
DANNY: Besides, if Dad can't find a job what chance do you have.
RORY: Someone's gotta do something. We need money.
MOM: Honey, we're fine. Remember, I still have my job.
ROGER: And I'm going to get a new one soon, I promise. Even if it means airport security.
MOM: Now, c'mon. Time for school. Kev, don't forget to call the Troll today.

It's my father's birthday.

MOM: And tell him if he doesn't die by next year, I lose the ex-wife pool.
ME: Will do, Mom.

As she shuffled Rory off to get changed, I could see Roger's face fall.

ROGER: Good to know the kid's lost his faith in his old man.
ME: Roger, he's just worried. We all are, but everything's going to be fine. Besides, I think he has the right idea. Maybe I could start helping with some--
ROGER: No! Nobody is helping. We don't need any help. I can provide for this family just fine on my own.

With that, he got up and left the table.

ME: I didn't mean to make him mad.
DANNY: I think he was just afraid that his role as father was being challenged.
ME: By me?
DANNY: By all of us lately.

I guess it isn't always easy holding onto that position. Because it was my Dad's birthday, I decided my resolution would be to try--really try--to see the best in him. To honor my father in whatever way possible...

...This was going to be rough.

BETH: What about the Model House? Any new developments there?
ME: Actually, yes.

Blondie's parents had shown up the day before and they were already making waves. Blondie was bunking with Linda Cardellini, which must have been pretty awkward for her since she's sleeping with Punky, Linda's boyfriend. Her parents must be the conservative type, or so I thought, because The Greek didn't even attempt to sleep in the same room with him. Meanwhile, poor Odd Guy has the bedroom next door to Blondie's room, and I could tell he wasn't too happy with her parents' nighttime activities.

BETH: Shut up.
ME: Crazy sex.
BETH: What do you mean by crazy?
ME: Costumes.
BETH: In their daughter's bedroom?
ME: That seemed to be what was driving them the most.
BETH: And you watched this?
ME: Well, they're a very attractive couple.
BETH: Kevin!
ME: It was like a car crash! I couldn't look away!

I got all the way to the part where Blondie's Mom pretended to be Jennifer Connelly and her Dad was David Bowie before I had to bow out gracefully.

ME: I'm starting to wonder if anyone's parents are normal.
BETH: You think that's bad. You should meet Carlos' parents.
ME: Don't tell me you met them.
BETH: He needed me to be his beard.
ME: His what?
BETH: They don't know he's bisexual.
ME: So you weren't really a beard, you were more like a goatee.

Beth had worn her best outfit to the office when Mama and Papa Delgado walked in and immediately exclaimed--

PAPA D: White? She's white?
MAMA D: Ay, Carlos. What are you thinking?

Apparently they thought Beth was short for Bethita, or something.

BETH: So he got a new one.
ME: A new goatee?
BETH: Yup.
ME: Already? What did he tell his parents?
BETH: That I was an April Fool's joke.
ME: Well, that's got to make you feel good.
BETH: Did you ever try that with your Dad?
ME: Not really. I brought a girl to my sister's first birthday party and I remember him tearing up and then offering her my grandmother's wedding ring.
BETH: Wow.
ME: Yeah, Grandma wasn't too happy. She was still wearing the ring at the time, but Dad thought it was for the greater good.

When I arrived at work, the ladies were already in a stew--literally. They were all huddled around a pot of what looked to be beef stew.

ME: I see the cooking class went well last night.
MARTHA: This stuff is better than sex.
DAISY: Martha, you can't say that, you're out of date. They've come up with new positions since 1921.
MILLIE: Would you two shut up? You're ruining the stew.
ME: What did that lady put in it?

We had a woman come in and show the library patrons how to cook. Programs like that always tend to do well, but it had been awhile since the Golden Girls had been to anything like it.

MARTHA: It's her family's secret recipe. She made this batch just for us.
ME: Let me try it.
DAISY: Get your own!
ME: Daisy!
DAISY: I'm sorry. But there's only so much--
MARTHA: And we're old and going to die soon. We need our simple pleasures.
ME: Fine, keep your stew.

As I was putting my coat away, I ran into Library Boy. He had been avoiding me altogether since I gave him a rather blunt opinion regarding one of his poems.

LIBRARY BOY: Hey.
ME: Hey--ah.
LIBRARY BOY: I'm sorry?
ME: I always hate when people go 'Hey' and 'Hey.' They do it in every episode of every banal primetime soap opera. So I always try to vary it, but then, what can you say? You can't say 'Hi' or just 'How you doing?' 'Hey' does work for all intents and purposes, but I mean, it's still banal--so instead I just add an 'ah' at the end. So it's a little more friendly--'Heya.'

Did I really just say that?

LIBRARY BOY: Okay...ah.
ME: Really just...works for 'Hey.'

He laughed--thank God.

LIBRARY BOY: I just wanted to apologize for the way I acted about the poem.
ME: No, really, I should be apologizing--
LIBRARY BOY: Yeah, but let me go first.
ME: Okay.
LIBRARY BOY: You were being honest and I couldn't handle it. If I'm actually going to what I do I need to have a tougher skin.
ME: I have the same problem. Someone once called a performance I gave 'too over-the-top' and I printed out the article, pinned it to a voodoo doll of him, and burned the whole mass outside in my front lawn.
LIBRARY BOY: Really?
ME: Um...No! Just joshing you.
LIBRARY BOY: Okay.

Note to self: Keep things like that private.

Before we could continue, I was summoned to the desk by Millie. Apparently Vinny had showed up with more contract double talk.

VINNY: I figured out a way to get you girls--
ME: Cough cough.
VINNY: --And boy, some more money.

He put down a piece of paper in front of us.

ME: Wow, that's a pretty substantial raise.
MILLIE: How much more is it an hour?
VINNY: It doesn't work that way. It's a weekly raise.
DAISY: A weekly raise?
ME: Wait a second, you have us working more hours.
VINNY: And getting more money for it.
MARTHA: Of course we're getting more money, we're working more.
VINNY: Which is how you make more!
ME: I don't think so, Ebeneezer. We're not working more hours.
VINNY: It's a good deal!
DAISY: Keep this up and we're not giving you any stew.

Vinny reminds me a lot of my Dad. He could talk Nicole Ritchie into getting liposuction...Okay, I guess it might not be that hard to talk Nicole Ritchie into liposuction, but still--

JOEY: You know, before you started this blog, it seems like you had a lot of your Dad's old traits.
ME: Like what?
JOEY: Lying, lots of caffeine intake, hypocrisy--
ME: Okay, okay. I get it.
JOEY: But now you're changing, so yay you.
ME: I feel like all these nasty things have been uploaded into my mainframe.
JOEY: Get spyware.
ME: I was using a metaphor.
JOEY: Oh...Get spyware--metaphorically.
ME: I always thought there was no way I would end up like my Dad because I was gay, which would automatically make me his complete opposite, but I guess that's not the case.
JOEY: You mean your Dad's gay?
ME: No, I mean, it's not the case that we're not at all alike.
JOEY: Oh. So how are you celebrating his birthday?
ME: Family disputes and cake.
JOEY: I like cake.

Harry had made the decision that the perfect time to integrate his newly found child into the family would be at Dad's birthday party. Deana had started speaking to him again, but coolly, and Stacey and I were just trying to keep the peace by having Annie walk around and make knock knock jokes (Nobody fights in front of eight-year-olds, it's a fact.)

At seven o'clock, the doorbell rang.

ANNIE: I'll get it!
ALL: No!
ME: I'll get it, Annie.

I didn't want my sister coming face to face with her nephew before we could figure out a way to explain all this to her. Stacey had tried earlier, but when you can't come right out and say 'Your brother's a ho' it makes things a little difficult.

When I opened the front door, I had to remind myself that Harry was fifteen when he got this girl pregnant, which explained the girl standing in front of me who was actually older than Annie.

ME: Uh...hi. Hi there. Heya.

The woman standing behind her didn't look too friendly. She was in her late twenties, and was clearly not relishing the opportunity to reacquaint her daughter with her father.

BABY MAMA: You must be JR?
ME: That's me.
BABY MAMA: I'm Aimee, and this is Sarah.
SARAH: Are you my Dad?
ME: God no! I mean, I'm your Uncle...I guess.
SARAH: Can I go in now?
ME: Sure.

But both of them took a step forward.

ME: Um, sorry, but--
AIMEE: I'm not letting her go in there by herself. I don't know you people.
ME: The only thing is--Harry's fiancee is in there as well, and she's pregnant and--
AIMEE: I know all about it, but the only way he's seeing his daughter is with me there.

God, if only Sally Jesse Raphael were still on the air.

ME: I guess everybody's coming in then.

When I walked up the stairs with Sarah and Aimee, I could see everybody's mouth drop. But I trusted my family to handle this with maturity and poise.

HARRY: What the hell are you doing here?
AIMEE: I'm here to look out for my daughter.
DAD: And you're going to start now?
AIMEE: Don't you talk to me like that! You're just mad because I stopped taking your hush money.
DAD: No, you didn't. I stopped offering it. That's why you're here.
SARAH: Mommy, I don't like it here.
ANNIE: Then leave!

Great, now even Annie was getting in on the act.

ME: She's not leaving. She's family, which is exactly the reason I can't leave.
DEANNA: This is awful.
AIMEE: So this is the new victim, huh?
HARRY: Hey!
STACEY: If you're going to start trouble--
AIMEE: I'm not starting anything. And who are you? Girlfriend number three?
STACEY: I'm his stepmother!
AIMEE: Somebody's got an empty cradle.
DAD: Out! Get out!
AIMEE: If I go I'm taking Sarah with me.
DAD: Fine!
ME: Dad, no.
DAD: I don't need this on my birthday.
HARRY: Dad, you promised!

But my father never has been good with promises.

DAD: You want to see that bitch and her spawn, then you can do it on your own time. This is my birthday, and I want her gone.
AIMEE: With pleasure. Come on, Sarah.

But before she left, she threw one last parting shot.

AIMEE: By the way, new girl, how much did he offer you to get out?
DAD: BEAT IT!

And with that, they were gone.

ME: Well, that went well.

There was a brief moment of silence, and then Harry posed the question.

HARRY: Did you?
DAD: Did I what?
HARRY: Did you offer Deana anything?
STACEY: Harry--
HARRY: To go, did you?
DAD: Harry, of course I didn't--
DEANA: Ten--same thing he offered her.

Eesh...

HARRY: I'm out of here.
ME: Harry, it's Dad's birthday.
HARRY: I don't care if it's his f**king parade--
ME: Whoa!
HARRY: I'm out of here. Come on, Deana.

Then they were gone too.

STACEY: You didn't, Kev.
DAD: Hey, it worked with the first one.
STACEY: Annie and I are going to have some cake in her room. Let's go, sweetie.

And once again...

ME: Just me and you, Dad.
DAD: Eh, who needs 'em?

I stayed. I stayed because I was determined to love my father no matter what. Despite everything he's done, I would be here if it weren't for him, and that has to count for something, right?

...Right?

But by loving him was I condoning everything he's done? And could I do them one day? In some perverse attempt at helping my loved ones, could I end up just driving them all away?

CARLY: Kev, don't worry about becoming your father.
ME: You're right.
CARLY: Worry about marrying your father.
ME: F**k me.

Carly had to bring up the Freudian angle.

ME: You think I might be attracted to guys who are like my father?
CARLY: Tell me your type.
ME: Meditteranean, charming, 'I can take care of that' attitude...
CARLY: Wa la.
ME: Great. I'm screwed.
CARLY: So just do the opposite. Look for boys who don't possess those traits. Keeping you unlike your Dad won't be nearly as hard as keeping you away from boys like him. It's going to be a built in, instinctual attraction.
ME: That means I should stay far away from Derek.
CARLY: Let's no go crazy. Sexy is sexy.
ME: But you just said--
CARLY: I'll try and work my magic, but I can't make any promises.
ME: There must be somebody whose the opposite of what I want.
CARLY: Yeah, but with the World Chess Tournament going on, it might be hard to snag you someone.

Against my better judgement, I wound up calling Derek. When he didn't answer I ended up going to Coffee Exchange to catch up on my reading. Unfortunately for me, I had picked The Great Santini for my new book club selection, which isn't the best choice for someone dealing with father issues.

As soon as I received my mocha concoction, I got a text.

TEXT FROM DEREK: Come over.

I knew what that meant.

TEXT FROM ME: Come get coffee with me. Let's be civilized.
TEXT FROM DEREK: Let's f**k instead.
TEXT FROM ME: I want something better than this.
TEXT FROM DEREK: I don't know if I can promise that right now.
TEXT FROM DEREK: Is that okay? We can still have fun :o)
TEXT FROM DEREK: ?

But by that point, I had already decided not to answer. Derek was like my father. He wanted things his way, and thought a flash of a smile was all it took to get them.

All this was making me wonder what kind of father I would be one day.

JEFF: Kev, we worry about that, too.
UNCLE WILL: Part of me doesn't know if I'm ready.
ME: So should you be doing it?
UNCLE WILL: That's the thing. I can't see myself ever being fully ready, but I know I want kids, so if I wait until I'm ready--
JEFF: It'll never happen.
ME: I just don't know if I'd repeat all the same mistakes my Dad did.
JEFF: Don't worry. You'll probably just end up making new ones.
UNCLE WILL: I think the key thing is to remember that your parents didn't go completely wrong.
JEFF: Don't throw up the baby with the bathwater.
ME: You mean throw 'out' the baby with the bathwater.
JEFF: Okay, that makes a lot more sense.

When I got home that night, I was exhausted. Mom was sitting at the kitchen table doing the budget. She also had one eye on Model House.

ME: Anything new?
MOM: Odd Guy caught Marilyn and Sid Viscious again.
ME: Are you serious?
MOM: They were going at it in the living room while everyone else was sleep. I think Blondie gets her sex drive from her parents.
ME: And how did Odd Guy catch them?
MOM: He was sleeping on the couch. I guess he can't get any rest with the Mr. and Mrs. Howell going at it next door to him.
ME: Okay, that's enough of that.

I sat down next to her and watched her crunch numbers.

ME: Mom, do you think I'll end up like Dad?
MOM: Absolutely not. You're nothing like your father.
ME: Actually, in a lot of ways, I am--was--Oh, I don't know.
MOM: You want to know the key difference to being someone different than your Dad?
ME: Please.
MOM: Realizing that it's important to be different. To do things differently. The problem with your father isn't what he does, it's that he won't admit that what he does is wrong.

And as I let that sink in, I realized that what she was saying is the key reason I'm doing all this. I want to acknowledge that how I was living before was the wrong way to live, and I want to try to do things a new way. My way.

ME: Maybe I'll be lucky and be like you, Mom.
MOM: Broke and bitter?
ME: And a good person.

Maybe the trick to not growing up to be like one parent is to admit that the other is one worth emulating.