Coming this fall...
ME: Things need to change.
ADAM: Like that shirt?
Thou shalt abandon caffeine.
DAISY: Kevin, honey, you said no more--
ME: Daisy, if you don't give me coffee right now, I'm going to find an infant and bathe it in cow's blood.
DAISY: How do you take it?
Thou shalt strengthen family ties.
MOM: I think you had a straight boy over last night.
ME: What makes you say that?
She holds up a pair of underwear.
MOM: No gay man would wear underwear like this.
ME: Mom, those are mine.
Thou shalt abandon negative influences.
ADAM: You would have been completely wrong in that role.
ME: Is there any role you think I would be right for?
ADAM: The Elephant Man?
Thou shalt not become a catty, bitchy queen.
RANDOM GUY: Hey, aren't you the guy with the blog?
ME: Yeah, that would be me.
RANDOM GUY: Want to make out and then you can blog about it?
Laughs.
ME: What would I write? Dear Journal, Today I made out with a troll...?
Thou shalt find inner peace.
DAD: So you're saying you won't go out with my friend's daughter?
ME: Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Thou shalt not obsess about boys.
CAL: Do you date a lot?
ME: Um...define 'a lot.'
Thou shalt find a gay mentor couple to look up to.
ME: You guys have been together for awhile. What's your secret?
UNCLE WILL: We opened up the relationship about three months in.
JEFF: Will, don't tease him.
ME: Thank God. I was worried.
JEFF: It was a year before we opened up the relationship.
ME: Phew, glad we got that cleared up.
Thou shalt educate thyself in ways school never did.
ME: Can I just tell you that I'm reading Anna Karenina and this bitch is a f**ked up mess.
Thou shalt stop swearing.
ME: Oh f**k that.
Thou shalt conquer thy fears.
ME: I can't feel my legs. We're too high up.
CARLY: Kevin, we're on the second floor.
ME: Is there a corner of this elevator I can crawl into that doesn't have bacteria crawling all over it?
Thou shalt live each day, each moment, each breath in gratitude and joy.
ME: I spend my whole life worried about what people think of me, and until now, I never actually worried about what I thought of me. Who I've become. I want to be better. I want to do better. I want to say I'm a good man and actually believe myself.
This September
NATHAN: So this is your new blog? All about becoming a better man?
It's time to play--
ME: Maybe after 100 dates the guy I need to find now is...me.
By a new set of rules
ADAM: You going to give up sex, showtunes, and scandals too?
ME: Let's not go crazy here.
ME: Let's not go crazy here.
http://thenewrulesofmylife.blogspot.com/
ME: I'm not running for pope just yet.
September 1st
ME: Oh, that reminds me--I need to find religion.
